Did something good ig

[woofwag]

I had a job interview today. It was for a direct support professional role, which how I understand it is someone who works directly with people who have intellectual/developmental disabilities and help them with day-to-day living tasks. I'm honestly not sure if I'm prepared for a job like this, since I'll have to be helping with tasks like basic grooming, feeding, transportation, medication management, and a lot more things that were on the list. I worked with some special ed kids in high school, but I'm almost 23 now so that was a while ago. I also have POTS, so if this job is too physically demanding, I'll just be fucked.

I don't... want to be fucked. I don't want to have no option but to suffer or die. But the interview went well, so, I do have a decent chance at getting this job once I get the second interview scheduled. And I have another interview for a nurse training job tomorrow, but oof that one might really be way too much for me. Idk anymore. All these things that I'm supposed to do, these things I have no idea how to handle and seem to all be equally important and unavoidable, I'm not prepared to handle them like this. And my friends too, I love them and I don't want to lose the capacity to talk to them just because I'm overwhelmed. I have been overwhelmed as it is and still do accidentally ghost people I deeply care about. I want to die because of my trauma, but equally I want to die because it feels like it wasn't enough to justify the way that I am. Sometimes I still seek out situations I know will be dangerous because I want that push to get it over with. A final, devastating reason to lie on the floor of my car and stare at the lake one last time before I fall into a permanent sleep. But at the same time, if all this pain and pressure could just go away, I think I would actually want to stay. The uncertainty of that is the worst bit.

I can never know if I'll be able to achieve a life I feel like is fulfilling. I think I want to. Getting there is such a grueling process. But with the amount of effort it's taking me to tie up loose ends so I can ctb, it seems like both options are going to involve some sort of long exhausting process. The fact that it's my choice, the guy who seems to always choose wrong, terrifies me. I hope I don't regret my decision, whatever it may be.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I had a job interview today. It was for a direct support professional role, which how I understand it is someone who works directly with people who have intellectual/developmental disabilities and help them with day-to-day living tasks. I'm honestly not sure if I'm prepared for a job like this, since I'll have to be helping with tasks like basic grooming, feeding, transportation, medication management, and a lot more things that were on the list. I worked with some special ed kids in high school, but I'm almost 23 now so that was a while ago. I also have POTS, so if this job is too physically demanding, I'll just be fucked.

I don't... want to be fucked. I don't want to have no option but to suffer or die. But the interview went well, so, I do have a decent chance at getting this job once I get the second interview scheduled. And I have another interview for a nurse training job tomorrow, but oof that one might really be way too much for me. Idk anymore. All these things that I'm supposed to do, these things I have no idea how to handle and seem to all be equally important and unavoidable, I'm not prepared to handle them like this. And my friends too, I love them and I don't want to lose the capacity to talk to them just because I'm overwhelmed. I have been overwhelmed as it is and still do accidentally ghost people I deeply care about. I want to die because of my trauma, but equally I want to die because it feels like it wasn't enough to justify the way that I am. Sometimes I still seek out situations I know will be dangerous because I want that push to get it over with. A final, devastating reason to lie on the floor of my car and stare at the lake one last time before I fall into a permanent sleep. But at the same time, if all this pain and pressure could just go away, I think I would actually want to stay. The uncertainty of that is the worst bit.

I can never know if I'll be able to achieve a life I feel like is fulfilling. I think I want to. Getting there is such a grueling process. But with the amount of effort it's taking me to tie up loose ends so I can ctb, it seems like both options are going to involve some sort of long exhausting process. The fact that it's my choice, the guy who seems to always choose wrong, terrifies me. I hope I don't regret my decision, whatever it may be.

Wow, congrats on those interviews! I hope that everything will work out for you!

I really relate to what you said about seeking out situations that you know will be dangerous because you want to get that push to get it over with. I feel like I do the same thing, can't believe I've survived this long, but somehow it hasn't worked yet.

I hope that you will be able to achieve a fulfilling life, I'm trying to do the same thing! I'm 23 also, so the same age as you, so that's pretty cool! I think you are doing great, try to be kind to yourself and just remember to practice self care and try not to push yourself too hard!!

 

[woofwag]

Wow, congrats on those interviews! I hope that everything will work out for you!

I really relate to what you said about seeking out situations that you know will be dangerous because you want to get that push to get it over with. I feel like I do the same thing, can't believe I've survived this long, but somehow it hasn't worked yet.

I hope that you will be able to achieve a fulfilling life, I'm trying to do the same thing! I'm 23 also, so the same age as you, so that's pretty cool! I think you are doing great, try to be kind to yourself and just remember to practice self care and try not to push yourself too hard!!

Thank you it's cool we're so similar haha. I am also autistic, since I know you mentioned that in your other post. It really is wild that we made it this far despite everything. Funnily enough, sometimes me seeking danger gets me into good situations. I was going out clubbing a lot this summer and instead of it getting me fucked up I just made really cool friends lol. Funny how everything I do seems to backfire, but ig that means some of the more dangerous things can backfire into being good.

Same for you :) I think with enough strength, we can do this. I want to try at least, and if it keeps getting worse, there are always other options ig

 

[justanotherbody]

Hey, best of luck!

I work a similar job. I am also autistic, have sensory issues, and am highly prone to sensory overload and panic attacks, so there are very rough days when clients are...particularly overwhelming. It's something you have to have a lot of resilience for.

I hope that doesn't scare you. At the end of the day, I really wish my personal life were as incredibly rewarding and fulfilling as my professional life. I'm a bit older, with a lot more wasted time, so hopefully things work out for you earlier.