eattwinkiesseejesus
Praying for death to a God that doesn't answer
- Jan 18, 2025
- 43
I've gone ghost again, started shutting everyone and everything out but this time I don't miss any of it. About 2 years ago I was a surrogate for a couple in NY, I did a compassion journey - for those of you not familiar with surrogacy a compassion journey is when a surrogate carries for free or at a much lower compensation rate. I did it because I enjoyed being pregnant, I wanted to help another family achieve what I had, and because my husband had gone and put our family in debt again. I ended up carrying for a nightmare couple that made the entire journey more traumatizing than you could imagine. The mother was constantly calling MY doctors office and giving them a hard time, arguing with them, accusing them of being incompetent and me of being neglectful - it got so bad every time I came in the doctors were checking on my mental health to see if I was doing ok. When it came time to deliver I nearly died from blood loss, my doctor spent close to a half hour after my delivery digging out blood clots from my insides trying to stop the blood loss and keep me alive - for me to come home and find out a few weeks later my husband had been cheating and sleeping around the whole time. The day I was in hospital delivering a baby to an ungrateful couple to help this man undo the financial hole he had put us in he was inviting other women into MY bed in MY home with MY kids present.
I spent the next few weeks going thru that man's phone and every day I found something that broke me a little more, after 2 or 3 months I snapped. I cried until I couldn't anymore and all that was left was pain and rage, I spent the next year and a half as an explosive force to be reckoned with. I became an ugly, bitter, aggressive, abusive shell of the person I was. It drained the very little bit of love, hope, and light I had left in me. I've always been a very in control, collected person because I knew the damage I could do if I didn't keep myself in check. After years of being bullied and abused by those that were supposed to love and protect me I just felt that I had to let go and show them that I was not someone to be walked all over but a force to be reckoned with -- and though it surely got a message across, most of me wishes it could be undone. I came to find that while it's easy to lose control, it's much harder to regain that control. The harder I tried to contain my wrath and fix my behaviors the harder it was and the more it consumed me. For months now I've been seeing myself in a new light and how I've changed and the person I became - I used to have my brother over twice a week for game nights, go to my sister's once a week for movie nights, and my mom most every night for dinner (started with my dad's passing some years ago, she lost the will to live and if I hadn't force fed her in the beginning I fear we would've lost her too. Having her for dinner just became habit eventually) but back in September/October sometime I cut them off. I saw myself hurting those around me and I couldn't seem to stop so I did the only thing I knew how to do - I just deleted them from my life to protect them. After Thanksgiving I ended up crashing and burning and landed in the pysch ward after taking one of my "pill cocktails" in an attempt to sleep (insomniac). I've been exhausted and too depressed to have energy for anything (including the bouts of rage) since. While I'm thankful the anger has finally passed and I'm finally regaining my self control and finding myself again, my depression and suicidal desires and at an all time high, I'm still struggling with the ptsd from being locked up, my anxiety is through the roof, and feelings of paranoia are rampant. I'm an avoidant that can also dissociate so hard I feel absolutely nothing for those I would've given my life for.... it's been an unfortunate tact of survival for as long as I can remember but I've always had a big heart for people and it never lasted long until recently. Ever since the ward I feel like I've slowly disconnected from everyone and everything in my life, it's gotten to where I don't even miss my family anymore and the rare occasion I do have them over I just feel increasingly agitated by their presence.
....I don't have anything keeping me here but guilt of how they might be affected by my suicide. Nothing brings me joy, I have no good memories, I have nothing to work towards or fight for. I've spent the last 10 years in a very destructive and abusive relationship with a narcissistic that has turned everyone against me and destroyed me with his disgusting and unnatural sexual behaviors, trying to raise two children I adore in an environment that's far more toxic than they deserve with a mindset too broken to give them the care and healing attention they deserve becoming far too frustrated and defeated in body and mind to keep going. I've considered and looked into placing them up for adoption a few times this past year just because I don't think I can do it anymore. They deserve better, they need better - if I didn't have them I could ctb with peace of mind as to their care and upbringing. If I ctb now I fear what their father could or would do to them with me gone (tried explaining such fears to the stupid doctors that locked me away in the pysch ward who gave no care to the fact they were leaving them alone unattended with a dad that shouldn't be trusted but no one listened to me) - another thing that leaves me hopeless. After being in the ward I realized no one actually cares, and there's no help to be found. I cried out for help several times while there about different issues and was told to keep quiet. They didn't care what led me to being broken enough that I even ended up there, all they wanted was compliance....
I'm at my wits end, I'm tired and broken. I hate who I've become, who I've been made into. All I see is pain, all I experience is pain and the only thing that makes sense to my mind is that I must've been created to endure limitless pain. I keep thinking of Pharoah in the Bible who's ultimate purpose was to end up having his heart hardened so he could be a means to an end for other people. No matter how many people I've helped, no matter how many people I sat in as a human tissue for - I'm still the one left alone and broken. Everyone just comes to hurt me and leave. Even my family, my mother has called me demonic and morbid because my favorite color is red (the color of rage and death as she sees it) and has basically called me a jezebel anytime I've mentioned divorce, one of my older sisters had an affair with my spouse, my younger sister stands besides my husband more often than not - the last time he put hands on me she said "well, what did you do to piss him off?", my brother said rape inside marriage isn't real because my husband owns me but that if I was raped then I was "asking for it", my eldest sister literally told me the reason she abused me growing up was because I was 'a goody two shoes' and that my decaying mental health was simply a pathetic cry attention. My only friend from the last 10 years disappeared after I got locked up, my child's godmother - didn't even acknowledge my sons recent birthday.
I've been fighting to stay for all these people, to keep THEM happy to keep THEM from hurt but at the end of the day I just find myself alone and broken. I'm nearly 27, I'll soon be 30 - i feel like my life should be settling down and I should've found some sort of peace or something by now, I've been praying I don't reach 40 since I was 4 - in my mind my life is most lived and I'm still left with nothing. I've graduated, I've had jobs, I've been married, had children, had children for other families, buried family members, been separated, owned pets - the only thing in life I ever really enjoyed that made me happy and brought me peace I lost when I graduated and is unobtainable now. (Please don't misunderstand - my children *are* my life, the only reason I still breathe is to keep them safe but the pain of raising them and wishing I could provide better only brings pain and feelings of worthlessness) But as far as literally anything else in life outside of them I have NOTHING and constantly thinking about and knowing how much better off they would be without me is only the final straw in my need to ctb.
I feel like I've dwindled over the last decade into nothing, the upsides of my bipolar highs don't seem to exist anymore all I've felt since the ward is depression. My self harm addiction is in full swing again, I'm falling apart - I don't even know if this is a rant, a cry for help, or a public notice - at this rate I don't see me making 30. I've made attempts in the past and failed, but that was before the pysch ward and finding SaSu - my next attempt will assuredly be my last. I'm just trying to figure if I have any brain power left to figure out something for my kids first or if I just need to let go, end it, and let someone more capable handle it when I'm gone.
I spent the next few weeks going thru that man's phone and every day I found something that broke me a little more, after 2 or 3 months I snapped. I cried until I couldn't anymore and all that was left was pain and rage, I spent the next year and a half as an explosive force to be reckoned with. I became an ugly, bitter, aggressive, abusive shell of the person I was. It drained the very little bit of love, hope, and light I had left in me. I've always been a very in control, collected person because I knew the damage I could do if I didn't keep myself in check. After years of being bullied and abused by those that were supposed to love and protect me I just felt that I had to let go and show them that I was not someone to be walked all over but a force to be reckoned with -- and though it surely got a message across, most of me wishes it could be undone. I came to find that while it's easy to lose control, it's much harder to regain that control. The harder I tried to contain my wrath and fix my behaviors the harder it was and the more it consumed me. For months now I've been seeing myself in a new light and how I've changed and the person I became - I used to have my brother over twice a week for game nights, go to my sister's once a week for movie nights, and my mom most every night for dinner (started with my dad's passing some years ago, she lost the will to live and if I hadn't force fed her in the beginning I fear we would've lost her too. Having her for dinner just became habit eventually) but back in September/October sometime I cut them off. I saw myself hurting those around me and I couldn't seem to stop so I did the only thing I knew how to do - I just deleted them from my life to protect them. After Thanksgiving I ended up crashing and burning and landed in the pysch ward after taking one of my "pill cocktails" in an attempt to sleep (insomniac). I've been exhausted and too depressed to have energy for anything (including the bouts of rage) since. While I'm thankful the anger has finally passed and I'm finally regaining my self control and finding myself again, my depression and suicidal desires and at an all time high, I'm still struggling with the ptsd from being locked up, my anxiety is through the roof, and feelings of paranoia are rampant. I'm an avoidant that can also dissociate so hard I feel absolutely nothing for those I would've given my life for.... it's been an unfortunate tact of survival for as long as I can remember but I've always had a big heart for people and it never lasted long until recently. Ever since the ward I feel like I've slowly disconnected from everyone and everything in my life, it's gotten to where I don't even miss my family anymore and the rare occasion I do have them over I just feel increasingly agitated by their presence.
....I don't have anything keeping me here but guilt of how they might be affected by my suicide. Nothing brings me joy, I have no good memories, I have nothing to work towards or fight for. I've spent the last 10 years in a very destructive and abusive relationship with a narcissistic that has turned everyone against me and destroyed me with his disgusting and unnatural sexual behaviors, trying to raise two children I adore in an environment that's far more toxic than they deserve with a mindset too broken to give them the care and healing attention they deserve becoming far too frustrated and defeated in body and mind to keep going. I've considered and looked into placing them up for adoption a few times this past year just because I don't think I can do it anymore. They deserve better, they need better - if I didn't have them I could ctb with peace of mind as to their care and upbringing. If I ctb now I fear what their father could or would do to them with me gone (tried explaining such fears to the stupid doctors that locked me away in the pysch ward who gave no care to the fact they were leaving them alone unattended with a dad that shouldn't be trusted but no one listened to me) - another thing that leaves me hopeless. After being in the ward I realized no one actually cares, and there's no help to be found. I cried out for help several times while there about different issues and was told to keep quiet. They didn't care what led me to being broken enough that I even ended up there, all they wanted was compliance....
I'm at my wits end, I'm tired and broken. I hate who I've become, who I've been made into. All I see is pain, all I experience is pain and the only thing that makes sense to my mind is that I must've been created to endure limitless pain. I keep thinking of Pharoah in the Bible who's ultimate purpose was to end up having his heart hardened so he could be a means to an end for other people. No matter how many people I've helped, no matter how many people I sat in as a human tissue for - I'm still the one left alone and broken. Everyone just comes to hurt me and leave. Even my family, my mother has called me demonic and morbid because my favorite color is red (the color of rage and death as she sees it) and has basically called me a jezebel anytime I've mentioned divorce, one of my older sisters had an affair with my spouse, my younger sister stands besides my husband more often than not - the last time he put hands on me she said "well, what did you do to piss him off?", my brother said rape inside marriage isn't real because my husband owns me but that if I was raped then I was "asking for it", my eldest sister literally told me the reason she abused me growing up was because I was 'a goody two shoes' and that my decaying mental health was simply a pathetic cry attention. My only friend from the last 10 years disappeared after I got locked up, my child's godmother - didn't even acknowledge my sons recent birthday.
I've been fighting to stay for all these people, to keep THEM happy to keep THEM from hurt but at the end of the day I just find myself alone and broken. I'm nearly 27, I'll soon be 30 - i feel like my life should be settling down and I should've found some sort of peace or something by now, I've been praying I don't reach 40 since I was 4 - in my mind my life is most lived and I'm still left with nothing. I've graduated, I've had jobs, I've been married, had children, had children for other families, buried family members, been separated, owned pets - the only thing in life I ever really enjoyed that made me happy and brought me peace I lost when I graduated and is unobtainable now. (Please don't misunderstand - my children *are* my life, the only reason I still breathe is to keep them safe but the pain of raising them and wishing I could provide better only brings pain and feelings of worthlessness) But as far as literally anything else in life outside of them I have NOTHING and constantly thinking about and knowing how much better off they would be without me is only the final straw in my need to ctb.
I feel like I've dwindled over the last decade into nothing, the upsides of my bipolar highs don't seem to exist anymore all I've felt since the ward is depression. My self harm addiction is in full swing again, I'm falling apart - I don't even know if this is a rant, a cry for help, or a public notice - at this rate I don't see me making 30. I've made attempts in the past and failed, but that was before the pysch ward and finding SaSu - my next attempt will assuredly be my last. I'm just trying to figure if I have any brain power left to figure out something for my kids first or if I just need to let go, end it, and let someone more capable handle it when I'm gone.
