Destiny doesn't want me to kill myself

[Defenestration]

Destiny doesn't want me to kill myself...

2024:
-January: my birthday, birthday to my father, my cousin is traveling far away so out of respect I couldn't see myself killing myself to ruin her vacation and she has to come back. --February: beginning: my sister's birthday, then my sister was sick
March: birthday of my mother and me + sick dog
-April: I tried to jump, I didn't succeed because of the si
May: I was thinking about changing my method
-June: I went back on the jump, canceled at the last moment my jump which was scheduled because of the
-July: I love the Tour de France and then my sister came for the holidays I wanted to enjoy it one last time
-August: guardian of the tower from which I had to jump on vacation
-September: I had to accompany my mother to medical appointments
-October: I went for ctb the guard did not have the right key to open the terrace for me. postponed
-November: change of method with the sn...I had to wait before meeting people from an association + wait for sn to arrive
- December: I had to contact someone for information on the origin of the sn and the possibility of being accompanied but he was not often available to talk about it, it was postponed until January. from the 20th with the family for the holidays.

2025
-January : 3 weeks of work at my house

-February: very early birthday of my sister, I had planned for mid February but currently our 2 sick dogs are under treatment, waiting for them to get better... I wasn't going to kill myself while my parents and my sister is upset with their dog... in short all the time postponed...

 

[Defenestration]

Always here and lost where i want to jump

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

It's not just you. I was in a somwhat similar predicament last year. Every month, there was something going on. Something I didnt want to ruin by me CTB. Not the same reasons, obviously, but birthdays, anniversaries, or just small things. Life can be cruel. At least, it's cruel to those of use who don't want to be part of it. Maybe life is vindictive like that.
When you say "lost where I want to jump" do you mean you lost access to it, and now need to find a new place?

 

[Defenestration]

Tu n'es pas seul(e). J'étais dans une situation assez similaire l'année dernière. Chaque mois, il se passait quelque chose. Quelque chose que je ne voulais pas gâcher en m'absentant. Pas pour les mêmes raisons, évidemment, mais des anniversaires, des fêtes, ou juste des petites choses. La vie peut être cruelle. Du moins, elle l'est pour ceux d'entre nous qui ne veulent pas y prendre part. Peut-être que la vie est vindicative, tout simplement.
Quand vous dites « perdu là où je veux sauter », voulez-vous dire que vous n'y avez plus accès et que vous devez maintenant trouver un nouvel endroit ?

Yes i think ctb but sn because i have not where to jump...