Desiring someone to murder me

[wellitisnotwhatitis]

I am going through a lot of stuff now, but I wanna say in advance that my brain probably took an inspiration from one person(in no way their fault, i love them). A person dear to me, who spiraled down in self-hatred and suicidal thoughts themselves, once shared with me, how their brain creates very detailed scenes and plots of someone violently killing them, very detailed, not just in a matter of violence, but places, people, reasons, time. It is a manifestation of a feeling that u deserve to be killed like a human trash you think you are(Tho this person is incredibly sweet and wonderful, but u guys know how self-hatred is). It's not about forcing someone to do so, but basically about placing yourself in a situation where you are exposed to dangerous people. I started feeling the same way, tho until now my preferred methods were and probably will remain jumping or sn, but hearing these fantasies of someone violently killing me kind of influenced me. I cant stop thinking about this, as a sort of punishment I desire, but I dont have detailed scenes popping up in my head, as well as it contradicts my preferred methods of ctb which are presumed to be fast and painless. Does anybody have anything of this sort going on in their minds? Thank you

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

I used to have these thoughts. Many nights losing sleep because of them, thinking of many ways people could kill and torture me etc. I kinda miss the feeling now that it's gone for some reason. I still remember vividly in class, I used to imagine myself from the future coming into the class to kill me. I remember one time where I was sitting down and imagined myself bursting into the room with a shotgun, walking calmly towards my other self and taking aim. When I imagined this I remember I let out what I still believe to this day my most genuine smile.

 

[dontlook]

I struggle with similar. I started actively looking for someone to meet with when it got really bad but I backed out.

 

[wellitisnotwhatitis]

I used to have these thoughts. Many nights losing sleep because of them, thinking of many ways people could kill and torture me etc. I kinda miss the feeling now that it's gone for some reason. I still remember vividly in class, I used to imagine myself from the future coming into the class to kill me. I remember one time where I was sitting down and imagined myself bursting into the room with a shotgun, walking calmly towards my other self and taking aim. When I imagined this I remember I let out what I still believe to this day my most genuine smile.

Do u think this sort of thinking is also partially coming from paranoia?

I struggle with similar. I started actively looking for someone to meet with when it got really bad but I backed out.

I am glad u backed out! I truly think nobody deserves to die like this. but ngl these ideas get more and more comfortable within my brain

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Do u think this sort of thinking is also partially coming from paranoia?

Idk. Maybe back then I was a bit but can't remember for sure. But even if it was it probably wasn't a big cause. Why do you ask?

 

[Abbadab]

I'm sure your friend is a kind soul and only wants the best for you. If you're currently in this mentally vulnerable of a place, however, it might make sense to tailor where you're spending time and with whom.

Even as a pro-choice and severely chronically suicidal person, I think harming or killing yourself when it wasn't actually right for you is one of the most tragic things that can happen.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. No matter what your brain tells you, you aren't at all deserving of pain or scorn

 

[wellitisnotwhatitis]

Idk. Maybe back then I was a bit but can't remember for sure. But even if it was it probably wasn't a big cause. Why do you ask?

We have different sources of self-hatred, but usually one of them comes from generally feeling guilty, and such premise convinces your brain that eventually u will get punished by some act of horrible violence for what u believe u did to your life/others, and only such punishment is sufficient. It can automatically induce some sort of paranoia that it will actually happen, making your imagination more and more vivid or contributing to one eventually feeling more comfortable with such an outcome, as it is "inevitable", moving the perception of such death to even something pleasant. Idk i am overthinking and probably there's no logical structure in what I just typed. I am really disassociated rn sorry
I am obv omitting ptsd-related paranoia in this case

I'm sure your friend is a kind soul and only wants the best for you. If you're currently in this mentally vulnerable of a place, however, it might make sense to tailor where you're spending time and with whom.

Even as a pro-choice and severely chronically suicidal person, I think harming or killing yourself when it wasn't actually right for you is one of the most tragic things that can happen.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. No matter what your brain tells you, you aren't at all deserving of pain or scorn

Oh ofc! A person I described is in no way at fault. I love them, and they are the best thing that happened in my life. It's just like a kid looking at what an adult is doing and thinking and adapting, this sort of influence.
Thank You for Your kind message and words of support

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

We have different sources of self-hatred, but usually one of them comes from generally feeling guilty, and such premise convinces your brain that eventually u will get punished by some act of horrible violence for what u believe u did to your life/others, and only such punishment is sufficient. It can automatically induce some sort of paranoia that it will actually happen, making your imagination more and more vivid or contributing to one eventually feeling more comfortable with such an outcome, as it is "inevitable", moving the perception of such death to even something pleasant. Idk i am overthinking and probably there's no logical structure in what I just typed. I am really disassociated rn sorry
I am obv omitting ptsd-related paranoia in this case

It's well structured don't worry. I guess the guilt source is spot on for me, although I don't really remember being afraid of it actually happening. I always knew something would happen someday and that was that and eventually I started hoping for it. Maybe I did fear something and just don't remember, it was very long ago.

 

[dontlook]

I am glad u backed out! I truly think nobody deserves to die like this. but ngl these ideas get more and more comfortable within my brain

I definitely feel you about our brains kind of embracing it. I think about it a lot and I hate that I do

In the end I knew that if I went through with it that it would probably be my biggest regret. I could even be forced to stay alive even longer if trafficking came into play

 

[wellitisnotwhatitis]

I definitely feel you about our brains kind of embracing it. I think about it a lot and I hate that I do

In the end I knew that if I went through with it that it would probably be my biggest regret. I could even be forced to stay alive even longer if trafficking came into play

:( I am once again glad u are out of it. I would absolutely not be surprised if awful people seeing how vulnerable we are and that we actually want them to kill us, would basically turn to even worse stuff, like torture, and yea, so many other things...

 

[Abbadab]

Oh ofc! A person I described is in no way at fault. I love them, and they are the best thing that happened in my life. It's just like a kid looking at what an adult is doing and thinking and adapting, this sort of influence.

Depression/suicidality can be contagious and mutually exacerbating unfortunately :(

If it persists, maybe you guys can come up with a less triggering way of talking about it.

Your friend deserves a listening ear, but maybe there's a professional who can help them unpack the specifics.

I hope both of you feel better soon <3

 

[dontlook]

:( I am once again glad u are out of it. I would absolutely not be surprised if awful people seeing how vulnerable we are and that we actually want them to kill us, would basically turn to even worse stuff, like torture, and yea, so many other things...

Thanks for the support

Do you have anything you do that seems to help with it?

 

[wellitisnotwhatitis]

Thanks for the support

Do you have anything you do that seems to help with it?

It's a very new thing for me, so not really, sorry. But I am glad I am able to safely talk about it with u guys! It does help! Honestly, I am at the lowest point one can be in their life rn, but such thoughts still seemed very concerning even after being suicidal for several years already

 

[brickedup]

i've wanted someone to murder me for a long time. even thought of how it would play out. i feel it would be better if i got murdered than if i suicided. if i killed myself, theyd forever think of me in another way. but if i get murdered? sometimes those things cant be prevented. i think it would have a much more negative impact if i suicided than if i got murdered. i'd wanna do whatever is easier for my family to move on with

 

[dontlook]

It's a very new thing for me, so not really, sorry. But I am glad I am able to safely talk about it with u guys! It does help! Honestly, I am at the lowest point one can be in their life rn, but such thoughts still seemed very concerning even after being suicidal for several years already

I understand that. And I'm sorry that things are so low right now

And I agree: being able to relate to others and talk really helps. If you or anyone ever wanted to talk more I'd be happy to

 

[wellitisnotwhatitis]

I understand that. And I'm sorry that things are so low right now

And I agree: being able to relate to others and talk really helps. If you or anyone ever wanted to talk more I'd be happy to

Thank you for your words!
I am always open to talk! It's indeed what can slightly help each of us

 

[thecreepycanadian]

I've been thinking a lot about placing myself in situations where I could end up getting killed, like walking around the rough areas of the city and maybe fighting with a mugger and getting shot. I know I currently would never do that, but my brain loves to think about it

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

If someone wants to die it is only natural and logical that these ideas come. I had these imaginations too. It is possibly one way to trick out my survival instinct. In my experience SI becomes the strongre the close I come to the planned date of death, so an early point of no return could help. I could hire a hitman and tell him that he has to kill me even if I beg for my life.

What are the problems:
1. I am not familiar with the darknet.
2. Of course I have to give him the full amout of money in advance, because I cannot do it when I am dead. So he could take the money and dissapear without killing me.
3. If I find a perverted who would kill me for free. He could torture me bevore killing me or in worst case without killing me.

I have heard that point 2. and 3. happened to people. So, in the end it is a bad idea.