Desire to make my family suffer

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I was always a loveless child

My mother seemed to make it her life goal to abuse me. Calling me every horrid name, such as bitch at whore,a s early as age 5. It could be because I failed an exam, bothered her or said the "wrong" thing, upset her, etc. She reminded me that my existence was a burden to her. That I shouldn't tell anyone about the abuse because shed "go to jail". So, she was a free woman. Free to make as many friends as she wanted, flaunting her fake persona and made herself loom like the perfect mother. But....surely my dad cared right?

Oh wait....no. No he didnt. While he was at work when the absue happened, he didnt do much when it did happen. one naught my mom made me cry on purpose telling me my dad died since she knew I loved him. Jealous bitch she was. Anyways, my dad just enabled her and even blamed me for it. So much for a father

So....what about extended family? You know, grandparents, aunts, uncles? Too bad they are all abusive. My grandmother abused my mom, my aunt abused her son (my cousin) and my uncle abused my cousin as well. So it was a cluster fuck

Ok ok, but what about outside sources? Like teachers? Well, my teachers bullied me. Made me cry daily, and so did other classmates. It seemed I was lifespan's bitch and sadly still is

Nobody ever wanted me.

Man, I was such an idiot. An idiot for thinking that there were people who would eventually love and cared for me. Thats why I held on. But now, looking at how life turn out:
Sexual abuse in college, bullying in college, sexual assault by "bff", family assault, etc

Even with therapy, meds, and so on, nothing ever changed

I cry as I write this because while I believe I am done mentally, I dont have the guts to kill myself. I wish I did, to get back at all those fuckers who got off on my pain. I dont believe that "living is the best revenge" how can you when it hurts to even breathe?

In a way, I hope I can be ready for death one day. So that way, I can maybe look down on heaven and see the karma that has bestowed upon my enemies. And then I will truly be at peace.

 

[crybaby]

Man, I was such an idiot. An idiot for thinking that there were people who would eventually love and cared for me

My experience is very similar to yours. Sad, i'm crying

 

[reichan66]

So that way, I can maybe look down on heaven and see the karma that has bestowed upon my enemies. And then I will truly be at peace.

I really feel this. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I can relate.

An idiot for thinking that there were people who would eventually love and cared for me

I have a relative. She's in her 30s and can't do anything by herself. Everyone takes care of her and waits on her hand and foot. I'm so jealous. Why does life have to be like this? Even though I don't know you, I feel you

 

[Bct]

Sorry for what you've been going through. You never asked to born, especially in an abusive family. You don't deserve this at all.

 

[rhiino]

No child deserves this. It is devastating what you have gone through. There are lots of assholes out there and by chance some people have surroundings only consisting of those.

 

[Aonewayticketplease]

Sorry to hear this.

Sounds like you were surrounded by a bunch of twunts. Fuck 'em.

 

[DyslexicForeigner]

I was always a loveless child

My mother seemed to make it her life goal to abuse me. Calling me every horrid name, such as bitch at whore,a s early as age 5. It could be because I failed an exam, bothered her or said the "wrong" thing, upset her, etc. She reminded me that my existence was a burden to her. That I shouldn't tell anyone about the abuse because shed "go to jail". So, she was a free woman. Free to make as many friends as she wanted, flaunting her fake persona and made herself loom like the perfect mother. But....surely my dad cared right?

Oh wait....no. No he didnt. While he was at work when the absue happened, he didnt do much when it did happen. one naught my mom made me cry on purpose telling me my dad died since she knew I loved him. Jealous bitch she was. Anyways, my dad just enabled her and even blamed me for it. So much for a father

So....what about extended family? You know, grandparents, aunts, uncles? Too bad they are all abusive. My grandmother abused my mom, my aunt abused her son (my cousin) and my uncle abused my cousin as well. So it was a cluster fuck

Ok ok, but what about outside sources? Like teachers? Well, my teachers bullied me. Made me cry daily, and so did other classmates. It seemed I was lifespan's bitch and sadly still is

Nobody ever wanted me.

Man, I was such an idiot. An idiot for thinking that there were people who would eventually love and cared for me. Thats why I held on. But now, looking at how life turn out:
Sexual abuse in college, bullying in college, sexual assault by "bff", family assault, etc

Even with therapy, meds, and so on, nothing ever changed

I cry as I write this because while I believe I am done mentally, I dont have the guts to kill myself. I wish I did, to get back at all those fuckers who got off on my pain. I dont believe that "living is the best revenge" how can you when it hurts to even breathe?

In a way, I hope I can be ready for death one day. So that way, I can maybe look down on heaven and see the karma that has bestowed upon my enemies. And then I will truly be at peace.

I'm so sorry about your life situations/struggles... I have sh!t parents too, and they deserves to be traumatized by discovering my bluish corpse in their house soon!

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

My experience is very similar to yours. Sad, i'm crying

*hugs* we deserved better

 

[ceelo]

I was always a loveless child

My mother seemed to make it her life goal to abuse me. Calling me every horrid name, such as bitch at whore,a s early as age 5. It could be because I failed an exam, bothered her or said the "wrong" thing, upset her, etc. She reminded me that my existence was a burden to her. That I shouldn't tell anyone about the abuse because shed "go to jail". So, she was a free woman. Free to make as many friends as she wanted, flaunting her fake persona and made herself loom like the perfect mother. But....surely my dad cared right?

Oh wait....no. No he didnt. While he was at work when the absue happened, he didnt do much when it did happen. one naught my mom made me cry on purpose telling me my dad died since she knew I loved him. Jealous bitch she was. Anyways, my dad just enabled her and even blamed me for it. So much for a father

So....what about extended family? You know, grandparents, aunts, uncles? Too bad they are all abusive. My grandmother abused my mom, my aunt abused her son (my cousin) and my uncle abused my cousin as well. So it was a cluster fuck

Ok ok, but what about outside sources? Like teachers? Well, my teachers bullied me. Made me cry daily, and so did other classmates. It seemed I was lifespan's bitch and sadly still is

Nobody ever wanted me.

Man, I was such an idiot. An idiot for thinking that there were people who would eventually love and cared for me. Thats why I held on. But now, looking at how life turn out:
Sexual abuse in college, bullying in college, sexual assault by "bff", family assault, etc

Even with therapy, meds, and so on, nothing ever changed

I cry as I write this because while I believe I am done mentally, I dont have the guts to kill myself. I wish I did, to get back at all those fuckers who got off on my pain. I dont believe that "living is the best revenge" how can you when it hurts to even breathe?

In a way, I hope I can be ready for death one day. So that way, I can maybe look down on heaven and see the karma that has bestowed upon my enemies. And then I will truly be at peace.

If you want to make her suffer you're doing it ass backwards, work hard and become a success that'll bother them much more. You sound like a bit of a professional victim to me which you should work on.

 

[autumnal]

Sorry to hear this.

Sounds like you were surrounded by a bunch of twunts. Fuck 'em.

Heh heh, 'twunts'. Love it!

 

[disabledandhopeless]

Relatable. Your post is so heartbreaking. *hugs*

 

[VabeniPokojneTmy]

I am really sorry, hope you find peace :(

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

If you want to make her suffer you're doing it ass backwards, work hard and become a success that'll bother them much more. You sound like a bit of a professional victim to me which you should work on.

Thank you for responding. I felt hurt when you referred to me as a professional victim. I can see from an outside perspective how it can seem that way. However, I feel as if I have genuinely tried my hardest, and even trying has been seeming impossible. I don't mean to disregard your words, I just felt like being honest in how I felt.