Help desire to ctb

[dopamineDeluge]

hellooo… my name is finn and i want to ctb very badly… i don't feel as though i have anything left. i am a first year biology student but i am struggling with most of my classes and have even failed one. i also have a girlfriend (who i love more than anything) but can't seem to feel loved by. i want more than anything to find a will to live, but so far i cant. i have my cat, who is currently the most important thing to me. i have my girlfriend too, who i cant seem to be comforted by. although i love her, i can't trust or believe her. there is also my family. i have attempted several times in the past and each time i have woken up to them sobbing around me. i can't do this anymore. i understand how much people love me but i don't enjoy my life and don't feel like i have anything worth living for. i want to get married and have kids, sure, but that's such a far off goal. i was born well off and have people to help me get through school, but it still seems to be more effort than it's worth. i am diagnosed with bpd, gad, and mdd, and i can't figure out what is making life so hard. i would like honest, mixed responses. both from those who are pro-suicide, as i have seen on this forum, and anti-suicide. i just need advice at this point. how do i make life worth living or kill myself. sorry if this is practically illiterate, i'm also drunk.
i am also transgender.. if. i can't continue with my transition i will probably ctb. i'm ftm and can't find any hormones on my area because they are considered steroids. i just want to be who i want to be and be loved and be happy. i am so tired and need help. please help.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't get why anyone who is suicidal and is suffering themselves would want to bring life into this world, the nonexistent should just be left alone in peace, they don't deserve to suffer in this hellish world.
But anyway I wish you the best, it does sound tiring what you are going through, it's true that life really is so unnecessarily cruel.

 

[molassesmorasses]

One of the few things that keeps me going, if poorly, is that I've seen change in myself and so I know that it is possible. A lot of what you've said here is reminiscent of my first semester---struggling academically, struggling with life change, having issues transitioning, etc.---and I ended up in the hospital because of those struggles. It was COVID, I had a psychotic break, etc. I ended up taking a break. In the time in between, after a relatively long period of being nearly non-functional and ending up in the hospital again, I moved out of my abusive mother's house, and over the course of a year and a half here I am now in my own apartment. Things change, and I'm not saying that things will change for you in the ways they have for me (at the same pace, same direction, what have you) but I am saying that we are capable of immense change. It's frightening in a lot of ways, and many issues will still follow you, but I'm sure you've seen change yourself, yeah? Even incremental?

We don't always know what is making life unbearable, and we don't particularly need to. I almost CTB earlier today, but my SI kicked in (hence why I'm visiting this site again). Regardless, we've all put a lot of time and effort into these lives we lead, yeah? You have a cat, you have a girlfriend, you have you.

You have you, I have me, and we've both spent our whole lives fighting to keep living and figuring this shit out and understanding ourselves. You want good things, though I cannot say what that will mean for you since I only know myself.

I'd struggle to say I'm anti-suicide, or pro-suicide. I just know that everything is frightening and that I know what you're feeling, or at least my own approximation of it.

(Also, nice Jake pfp. I hope this isn't inappropriate given the subject matter.)

 

[dopamineDeluge]

I don't get why anyone who is suicidal and is suffering themselves would want to bring life into this world, the nonexistent should just be left alone in peace, they don't deserve to suffer in this hellish world.
But anyway I wish you the best, it does sound tiring what you are going through, it's true that life really is so unnecessarily cruel.

thank you, i appreciate the response. i don't think life is inherently bad, i think the opposite is true actually. i am one of the few ss users who think (as long as you are in a good position and receive good care) life can be worthwhile and honestly quite a beautiful thing. this is likely because of therapy after my attempts, but i don't doubt it. ithink life dan be beautiful. i aso would adopt since i can't give birth as my gf and i are both trans. i just want to take in pre existing life and help nurture it and make it better.

One of the few things that keeps me going, if poorly, is that I've seen change in myself and so I know that it is possible. A lot of what you've said here is reminiscent of my first semester---struggling academically, struggling with life change, having issues transitioning, etc.---and I ended up in the hospital because of those struggles. It was COVID, I had a psychotic break, etc. I ended up taking a break. In the time in between, after a relatively long period of being nearly non-functional and ending up in the hospital again, I moved out of my abusive mother's house, and over the course of a year and a half here I am now in my own apartment. Things change, and I'm not saying that things will change for you in the ways they have for me (at the same pace, same direction, what have you) but I am saying that we are capable of immense change. It's frightening in a lot of ways, and many issues will still follow you, but I'm sure you've seen change yourself, yeah? Even incremental?

We don't always know what is making life unbearable, and we don't particularly need to. I almost CTB earlier today, but my SI kicked in (hence why I'm visiting this site again). Regardless, we've all put a lot of time and effort into these lives we lead, yeah? You have a cat, you have a girlfriend, you have you.

You have you, I have me, and we've both spent our whole lives fighting to keep living and figuring this shit out and understanding ourselves. You want good things, though I cannot say what that will mean for you since I only know myself.

I'd struggle to say I'm anti-suicide, or pro-suicide. I just know that everything is frightening and that I know what you're feeling, or at least my own approximation of it.

(Also, nice Jake pfp. I hope this isn't inappropriate given the subject matter.)

heheh thank u :3 for the jake pfp comment and everything said. you are one of the few people on this website who have pushed me to not kill myself. i have seen change, and i'd like to continue to see it in the future. i am relatively lucky and life and hope to bring that upon other people. maybe, if i don't give up as i have so many times before, i can bring myself to change and help other people. maybe i can make this life a little less insufferable

One of the few things that keeps me going, if poorly, is that I've seen change in myself and so I know that it is possible. A lot of what you've said here is reminiscent of my first semester---struggling academically, struggling with life change, having issues transitioning, etc.---and I ended up in the hospital because of those struggles. It was COVID, I had a psychotic break, etc. I ended up taking a break. In the time in between, after a relatively long period of being nearly non-functional and ending up in the hospital again, I moved out of my abusive mother's house, and over the course of a year and a half here I am now in my own apartment. Things change, and I'm not saying that things will change for you in the ways they have for me (at the same pace, same direction, what have you) but I am saying that we are capable of immense change. It's frightening in a lot of ways, and many issues will still follow you, but I'm sure you've seen change yourself, yeah? Even incremental?

We don't always know what is making life unbearable, and we don't particularly need to. I almost CTB earlier today, but my SI kicked in (hence why I'm visiting this site again). Regardless, we've all put a lot of time and effort into these lives we lead, yeah? You have a cat, you have a girlfriend, you have you.

You have you, I have me, and we've both spent our whole lives fighting to keep living and figuring this shit out and understanding ourselves. You want good things, though I cannot say what that will mean for you since I only know myself.

I'd struggle to say I'm anti-suicide, or pro-suicide. I just know that everything is frightening and that I know what you're feeling, or at least my own approximation of it.

(Also, nice Jake pfp. I hope this isn't inappropriate given the subject matter.)

also btw forgot to say this earlier since i was in such a hurry, but i'm glad you are still around. this post is really helpful and i'm glad you stayed to make this today, even though i know it's shitty. i'm proud of you and happy you were here to make this little difference in my life. i will make a change as a result, and i appreciate your kindness <3 much love from the jake pfp

 

[molassesmorasses]

thank you, i appreciate the response. i don't think life is inherently bad, i think the opposite is true actually. i am one of the few ss users who think (as long as you are in a good position and receive good care) life can be worthwhile and honestly quite a beautiful thing. this is likely because of therapy after my attempts, but i don't doubt it. ithink life dan be beautiful. i aso would adopt since i can't give birth as my gf and i are both trans. i just want to take in pre existing life and help nurture it and make it better.

heheh thank u :3 for the jake pfp comment and everything said. you are one of the few people on this website who have pushed me to not kill myself. i have seen change, and i'd like to continue to see it in the future. i am relatively lucky and life and hope to bring that upon other people. maybe, if i don't give up as i have so many times before, i can bring myself to change and help other people. maybe i can make this life a little less insufferable

also btw forgot to say this earlier since i was in such a hurry, but i'm glad you are still around. this post is really helpful and i'm glad you stayed to make this today, even though i know it's shitty. i'm proud of you and happy you were here to make this little difference in my life. i will make a change as a result, and i appreciate your kindness <3 much love from the jake pfp

Change is terrifying! But more good things come from that terror than from easy things---that's eustress for you. We're all just little people on the other side of a screen ping-ponging back and forth, but I do think the little differences made are worth something. Go get that third, fourth, fifth semester of bio or whatever direction you end up going, my man. Maybe some day in the bio-neuroscience sphere we'll bump into each other and never even know it (I jest, there's a lot of people out there, but you get it).

 

[dopamineDeluge]

Change is terrifying! But more good things come from that terror than from easy things---that's eustress for you. We're all just little people on the other side of a screen ping-ponging back and forth, but I do think the little differences made are worth something. Go get that third, fourth, fifth semester of bio or whatever direction you end up going, my man. Maybe some day in the bio-neuroscience sphere we'll bump into each other and never even know it (I jest, there's a lot of people out there, but you get it).

i'd love that man :3 you seem responsible and intelligent, at least moreso than the the other users here and honestly more than some of my classmates, so i'd love to bump into you <3 i am very interested in neuroscience and hey, maybe we could even end up being et al together. you seem awesome? i hope you make it through this with me :3

 

[Solek]

I've been having similar troubles, I have been struggling with university, programming is my only saving grace. I feel like I won't be able to continue with this academic enviroment for long, and getting a job doesn't sound all that appealing either. I lack ambitions or plans for my future and just go where the current brings me. The lack of motivation has been the biggest issue and my reserved attitude isn't helping either. I hope you have luck in your search for a reason to live, I'm still looking for mine.

 

[dopamineDeluge]

I've been having similar troubles, I have been struggling with university, programming is my only saving grace. I feel like I won't be able to continue with this academic enviroment for long, and getting a job doesn't sound all that appealing either. I lack ambitions or plans for my future and just go where the current brings me. The lack of motivation has been the biggest issue and my reserved attitude isn't helping either. I hope you have luck in your search for a reason to live, I'm still looking for mine.

i understand, and wish you luck too! i think there are many more options available for you, especially if you open up <3 if you want keep me posted!! if not i understand,, regardless, i hope the best for you <3 life is worth it, regardless of what a lot of people here say, and i wish you the best!