spoiledsick
bones to earth, back to god, i'm sick of waiting.
- Jan 4, 2023
- 30
in deep regret for every bad thing i have ever done to anyone, for i did not understand, could not comprehend all the bad things that had been done to me.
maybe everyone is like this. all we do is walk around this earth inflicting the same pain upon others that has been inflicted upon ourselves, intentionally or unintentionally. either way, the pain is still the same. everything still hurts.
starting to understand why people make their last rounds, that feeling of wanting to apologize, get one last word in, set the record straight. nobody has ever apologized to me for any of the evils i have experience, nor do i think it would make any difference. don't know what i think it would accomplish to tell people i'm sorry for the pain i caused by my own ignorance and unhealed trauma. i know everyone is living in their own hell of this, but i think most people are able to justify their own evil by feeling it pales in comparison to what others have done, continue to do...i did it for a long time, too.
the closer i get to feeling ready to really leave, the more these deep emotions keep resurfacing. some sick impulse to connect to other people, to the outside world, to make sense of the nonsense, to tie up all my loose ends.
tbh, kinda makes me regret not kms sooner when i had the reckless drive. thought it would be better to take my time, plan it out peaceful and nice. idk. i go back and forth always, never making up my mind. yeah i guess i'm alive, but i've never really been living. whole thing feels like it's been a simulation. maybe i'm just lacking stimulation.
this isn't a proper introduction, but let me at least say hello before saying goodbye.
maybe everyone is like this. all we do is walk around this earth inflicting the same pain upon others that has been inflicted upon ourselves, intentionally or unintentionally. either way, the pain is still the same. everything still hurts.
starting to understand why people make their last rounds, that feeling of wanting to apologize, get one last word in, set the record straight. nobody has ever apologized to me for any of the evils i have experience, nor do i think it would make any difference. don't know what i think it would accomplish to tell people i'm sorry for the pain i caused by my own ignorance and unhealed trauma. i know everyone is living in their own hell of this, but i think most people are able to justify their own evil by feeling it pales in comparison to what others have done, continue to do...i did it for a long time, too.
the closer i get to feeling ready to really leave, the more these deep emotions keep resurfacing. some sick impulse to connect to other people, to the outside world, to make sense of the nonsense, to tie up all my loose ends.
tbh, kinda makes me regret not kms sooner when i had the reckless drive. thought it would be better to take my time, plan it out peaceful and nice. idk. i go back and forth always, never making up my mind. yeah i guess i'm alive, but i've never really been living. whole thing feels like it's been a simulation. maybe i'm just lacking stimulation.
this isn't a proper introduction, but let me at least say hello before saying goodbye.
