crowbait
they/them
- Oct 4, 2022
- 65
I normally use edibles from my favorite company to sleep; weed has always just made me feel super tired and these put me in a coma (they also are the best-tasting edibles ever). I hadn't used any since August but ordered some new ones in.
I was having a bubble bath when I suddenly entered a really weird obsessive suicidal state (BPD thing?). I'd intended to use the edible to sleep after the bath but I grabbed it right then and took twice as much as I normally did, thinking I would drown in the bath (deeply funny I know). But once it kicked in instead of falling asleep, I entered a severe dissociative episode and my heart started racing.
I immediately remembered I have a heart condition and ran to get my roommate and told her I was having palpitations and needed to be monitored. She grabbed her doctor's shit and kept an eye on my heart for the next three hours. I proceeded to lose majority of my hearing and sight, got a headsplitting headache and pain in my back and neck, and could barely move. I've also not slept for more than 3.5 hours for 2 weeks now and have been taking my meds on and off so that probably didn't help.
It was the most awful experience of my life. I experience pretty bad hallucinations/delusions/disassociation due to my BPD sometimes but it just went into full overdrive. I couldn't comprehend life or existence- everything was just a colour and a number, and every thing and concept had an incomprehensible shape. My life wasn't my own and with each word I could feel my internal clock ticking and had the extreme awareness that I could die at any moment. Everytime I had a thought about an action it felt like I was doing it, when I wasn't. I was twitching so violently I dropped my phone everytime I tried to hold it. My mouth was so dry I could hear the loud clicking it made when I talked. The world felt so unreal I decided I should kill myself just for fun, because life was just my imagination/simulation and I didn't think I would feel the pain. I tried to take a knife from the kitchen and my roommate stopped me. Thank God because I was so uncoordinated I would have done little damage. It was just overall a massively embarassing experience and attempt. Can't tell which would have been more embarassing, trying to drown myself in a sparkly orange Lush-scented bubble bath or trying to stab myself with a steak knife while so high I can't see.
I was having a bubble bath when I suddenly entered a really weird obsessive suicidal state (BPD thing?). I'd intended to use the edible to sleep after the bath but I grabbed it right then and took twice as much as I normally did, thinking I would drown in the bath (deeply funny I know). But once it kicked in instead of falling asleep, I entered a severe dissociative episode and my heart started racing.
I immediately remembered I have a heart condition and ran to get my roommate and told her I was having palpitations and needed to be monitored. She grabbed her doctor's shit and kept an eye on my heart for the next three hours. I proceeded to lose majority of my hearing and sight, got a headsplitting headache and pain in my back and neck, and could barely move. I've also not slept for more than 3.5 hours for 2 weeks now and have been taking my meds on and off so that probably didn't help.
It was the most awful experience of my life. I experience pretty bad hallucinations/delusions/disassociation due to my BPD sometimes but it just went into full overdrive. I couldn't comprehend life or existence- everything was just a colour and a number, and every thing and concept had an incomprehensible shape. My life wasn't my own and with each word I could feel my internal clock ticking and had the extreme awareness that I could die at any moment. Everytime I had a thought about an action it felt like I was doing it, when I wasn't. I was twitching so violently I dropped my phone everytime I tried to hold it. My mouth was so dry I could hear the loud clicking it made when I talked. The world felt so unreal I decided I should kill myself just for fun, because life was just my imagination/simulation and I didn't think I would feel the pain. I tried to take a knife from the kitchen and my roommate stopped me. Thank God because I was so uncoordinated I would have done little damage. It was just overall a massively embarassing experience and attempt. Can't tell which would have been more embarassing, trying to drown myself in a sparkly orange Lush-scented bubble bath or trying to stab myself with a steak knife while so high I can't see.
