Schizotypal
I live to be hated
- Feb 2, 2019
- 89
Hi, my name is Nightshade, I'm 22 and I identify myself as a necrosexual. I have some question about what I'm experiencing now, maybe someone here can identify with.
First time I felt suicidal I was like 10, maybe about insecurity/uncertainty, I was too young to understand it. As the time went by I realized that my suicidal thoughts was rooted in guilty feelings, is almost all about guilt. About what? I don't know. I'm a addict person, I did a lot of substances but I am specially an alcoholic now, and addicted to "dissociative anesthetics".
I think my childhood was pretty normal, but I grew up in a alcoholic family. In fact, you must be thinking that it is a bad thing because alcoholism in general bring some dirty and violent aspects for someone's life but I rarely saw violent fights in my family, so I know that my childhood wasn't bad, it could be so fucking worst. But I had experiences that probably a lot of children doesn't had. In my childhood was common to see my parents and uncles and my grandma acting like drunks all the time, falling around, lying down in blackout. Typical things. One of these experiences is about my alcohol consume, that started too early. I WANNA MAKE CLEAR HERE THAT I'M NOT BLAMING NO ONE BY MY ADDICTION, OF COURSE I DID WRONG CHOICES BUT ADDICTION IS SOMETHING INHERITABLE, UNFORTUNATELY. In weekends always had family reunions, and alcohol was in all that reunions. My family knows that they're alcoholics and how destructive that illness is, so they could never accept a child ingesting alcohol. But at weekends in my home when was only me and my parents, without the presence of other family members they allowed me to drink wine sometimes. Not a lot of wine, just like a couple cups but it when I was like 8. I never get drunk as a child but in most times I just slept.
My teenage was complex. My brother born when I was close to complete 12. My mother had a lot of complications during her second pregnancy (the first too, but much less) and my brother born with 5 months... As a result he have cerebral palsy. Around this time my parents was fighting daily, and I really hate this (still happening today, although less than before). My father have some kind of paranoid disorder, but undiagnosed. I can say 80% of the fights was due to my dad paranoia. I could not be in peace at home, was ever crying, wishing they just stop to fight and act like a happy, or at least, normal family. Out of home things was much worst for me. I didn't had a lot of friends, I always was a schizotypal child, I don't know how to describe me at this time, a little bit autistic, far away from other kids. Around this time I started to be bullied in school. It became very worse with the time, the name calling progressed to physical aggression and humiliation. I was being beated daily, by a lot of guys, sometimes even girls. My parents was too busy with their fights, my mom busy with my brother (as she had a big responsability to care him for the rest of her life) and nothing could be done. I remember that I felt only me existed in the world. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WANNA TALK ABOUT LATER.
When I was 14 I started to drink like an adult. When I was 15 every weekend I was drinking until blackout, waking up in my own vomit. Trying to find people who I could form a band, but I had no luck.
Okay, fast foward. I tried suicide a lot of times in the last 4 years, and my experience with the last times is that I don't really want to die. I wish I had a way to fix it all, but I can't find and is the reason why people look to suicide - they want to escape from a no-solution situation. I was thinking about suicide and feeling guilty and sad everyday, since I woke up until I finally sleep. After a hard time with it, I finally realize that I'm depressed. I ever said to my friends that, although I'm suicidal, I'm not depressed. But in the last 1, 1 1/2 year other symptoms of depression came. It was really mad when mixed with my anxiety and sleep problems (that I'm dealing since 15). Last suicidal episode I told to myself I will say "fuck off" to everybody and stop to feel guilt. I'll don't give a fuck and just work to be a narcissistic, heartless psychopath, only to be happy without other's thoughts. So it's been 5 or 6 months since I'm running from suicidal thoughts, it seems to be working well. I'm not telling that I'm cured, you know? Of course it comes in waves, periods. I got quit the last episode but I've been suffering from other symptoms, maybe residual symptoms of depression. Lack of motivation are hurting me so much. I'm not playing guitar everyday, I don't know why. Music is my only real love in this world, always was and always shall be. But I'm only doing something when my bands have some rehearsal, or show, or record to do. I don't know what is happening to me, even do paintings. I'm spending my time in my bed - I don't work. And I will tell you why.
Remember when I said that I felt like I'm alone in this world? Well, in the last 2 1/2 year I'm suffering from something called Truman Show delusion. I cannot describe, but is like all the existence around me is fake, it's only to make me believe that is real but is not. Like our reality is fake, and people are actors pretending. All the existence seems to be only to humiliate me and for the amusement of who is watching me. But I know isn't humans, is something in another dimension that I don't understand and I only will when I die - of suicide. I had a lot of mental disorders before I went to a doctor, but never got a diagnosis. Anyway I don't think I'm mad, and it is not due to my drugs use because I remember since I was a child that I had the sensation of being observed, watched. I'm paranoid, I'm ignoring this to be able to write it. My "delusions" mixed with my extreme anxiety/panic and paranoia about people are impeding me to have a job. I can't even get out of my bedroom.
Thoughts?
I'm sorry, english isn't my language.
First time I felt suicidal I was like 10, maybe about insecurity/uncertainty, I was too young to understand it. As the time went by I realized that my suicidal thoughts was rooted in guilty feelings, is almost all about guilt. About what? I don't know. I'm a addict person, I did a lot of substances but I am specially an alcoholic now, and addicted to "dissociative anesthetics".
I think my childhood was pretty normal, but I grew up in a alcoholic family. In fact, you must be thinking that it is a bad thing because alcoholism in general bring some dirty and violent aspects for someone's life but I rarely saw violent fights in my family, so I know that my childhood wasn't bad, it could be so fucking worst. But I had experiences that probably a lot of children doesn't had. In my childhood was common to see my parents and uncles and my grandma acting like drunks all the time, falling around, lying down in blackout. Typical things. One of these experiences is about my alcohol consume, that started too early. I WANNA MAKE CLEAR HERE THAT I'M NOT BLAMING NO ONE BY MY ADDICTION, OF COURSE I DID WRONG CHOICES BUT ADDICTION IS SOMETHING INHERITABLE, UNFORTUNATELY. In weekends always had family reunions, and alcohol was in all that reunions. My family knows that they're alcoholics and how destructive that illness is, so they could never accept a child ingesting alcohol. But at weekends in my home when was only me and my parents, without the presence of other family members they allowed me to drink wine sometimes. Not a lot of wine, just like a couple cups but it when I was like 8. I never get drunk as a child but in most times I just slept.
My teenage was complex. My brother born when I was close to complete 12. My mother had a lot of complications during her second pregnancy (the first too, but much less) and my brother born with 5 months... As a result he have cerebral palsy. Around this time my parents was fighting daily, and I really hate this (still happening today, although less than before). My father have some kind of paranoid disorder, but undiagnosed. I can say 80% of the fights was due to my dad paranoia. I could not be in peace at home, was ever crying, wishing they just stop to fight and act like a happy, or at least, normal family. Out of home things was much worst for me. I didn't had a lot of friends, I always was a schizotypal child, I don't know how to describe me at this time, a little bit autistic, far away from other kids. Around this time I started to be bullied in school. It became very worse with the time, the name calling progressed to physical aggression and humiliation. I was being beated daily, by a lot of guys, sometimes even girls. My parents was too busy with their fights, my mom busy with my brother (as she had a big responsability to care him for the rest of her life) and nothing could be done. I remember that I felt only me existed in the world. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WANNA TALK ABOUT LATER.
When I was 14 I started to drink like an adult. When I was 15 every weekend I was drinking until blackout, waking up in my own vomit. Trying to find people who I could form a band, but I had no luck.
Okay, fast foward. I tried suicide a lot of times in the last 4 years, and my experience with the last times is that I don't really want to die. I wish I had a way to fix it all, but I can't find and is the reason why people look to suicide - they want to escape from a no-solution situation. I was thinking about suicide and feeling guilty and sad everyday, since I woke up until I finally sleep. After a hard time with it, I finally realize that I'm depressed. I ever said to my friends that, although I'm suicidal, I'm not depressed. But in the last 1, 1 1/2 year other symptoms of depression came. It was really mad when mixed with my anxiety and sleep problems (that I'm dealing since 15). Last suicidal episode I told to myself I will say "fuck off" to everybody and stop to feel guilt. I'll don't give a fuck and just work to be a narcissistic, heartless psychopath, only to be happy without other's thoughts. So it's been 5 or 6 months since I'm running from suicidal thoughts, it seems to be working well. I'm not telling that I'm cured, you know? Of course it comes in waves, periods. I got quit the last episode but I've been suffering from other symptoms, maybe residual symptoms of depression. Lack of motivation are hurting me so much. I'm not playing guitar everyday, I don't know why. Music is my only real love in this world, always was and always shall be. But I'm only doing something when my bands have some rehearsal, or show, or record to do. I don't know what is happening to me, even do paintings. I'm spending my time in my bed - I don't work. And I will tell you why.
Remember when I said that I felt like I'm alone in this world? Well, in the last 2 1/2 year I'm suffering from something called Truman Show delusion. I cannot describe, but is like all the existence around me is fake, it's only to make me believe that is real but is not. Like our reality is fake, and people are actors pretending. All the existence seems to be only to humiliate me and for the amusement of who is watching me. But I know isn't humans, is something in another dimension that I don't understand and I only will when I die - of suicide. I had a lot of mental disorders before I went to a doctor, but never got a diagnosis. Anyway I don't think I'm mad, and it is not due to my drugs use because I remember since I was a child that I had the sensation of being observed, watched. I'm paranoid, I'm ignoring this to be able to write it. My "delusions" mixed with my extreme anxiety/panic and paranoia about people are impeding me to have a job. I can't even get out of my bedroom.
Thoughts?
I'm sorry, english isn't my language.
