Venting depression is back (bipolar)

[OutOfTheVoid]

i have bipolar, and i was in a manic episode for a while recently. it was easily the most intense mania ive ever experienced and i had full on psychosis. but i knew, as always, that it would eventually end and i'd flip back into a depressive episode. well, thats happened now.

its been gradual, but the manic energy has been dissipating from my body, and leaving behind an empty void of despair in this shell of a soul. my apathy has turned to anhedonia. when before i could feel only pleasure and was numb to pain, now i feel only pain and am numb to pleasure.

the mania made it easier for me to tolerate existing, but with that gone and depression back i can feel the weight of existential dread pulling me down. i cant ctb yet but my desire to is growing. i have urges to self harm again. i want to use drugs to cope through this, but im saving those in case i use them when i ctb, so i cant even resort to hedonism like i usually do.

i wish i could just sleep this off, but i have too much anxiety to rest. guess ive got the worst of both worlds: the anxious energy of mania and the debilitating despair of depression.

this is only going to get worse, i can tell.

 

[Calicocat]

Not sure if it is appropriate to talk about this here, since this is a venting place and i'm new to the site (i'm probably gonna be needing to vent in a bit, too...) If anything, lemme know and i'll delete this post.
Anyway!.. Depending on your treatment approach, a adjusting a few doses can work to make you feel better at medium term by helping increase your humor stability.
The larger the Manic episode, the worst the Depressive backlash is, usually.
Also, if you're into BZDs (like clonazepan) for the current treatment, adjusting the doses for now might be helpful for anxiety. Also, weak, purely serotoninergic anti-psychotics (Mainly Aripiprazole), which i've seen been used for treating very strong Manic episodes, can and do help as a combo, if needed later on. They don't kill off your energy too much, while helping with psychosis, and anxiety.
If you're using lithium carbonate, you wanna make sure your blood dosage of lithium is between 1.0 - 1.2 (the closest to 1.1 is usually the best for most people). If it's not, you could try increasing dosage slowly and carefully, and always with follow-up if possible.
Be very careful if you're using anti-depressants. These can worsen your cycle and increase the manic episodes, which in turn increase the aftermath of depression and such.
TLDR: Benzos can help in short term treatment of anxiety, and in medium-long term i suppose adjusting your treatment might be useful. Careful with anti-depressants.
Wish you the best.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

Not sure if it is appropriate to talk about this here, since this is a venting place and i'm new to the site (i'm probably gonna be needing to vent in a bit, too...) If anything, lemme know and i'll delete this post.
Anyway!.. Depending on your treatment approach, a adjusting a few doses can work to make you feel better at medium term by helping increase your humor stability.
The larger the Manic episode, the worst the Depressive backlash is, usually.
Also, if you're into BZDs (like clonazepan) for the current treatment, adjusting the doses for now might be helpful for anxiety. Also, weak, purely serotoninergic anti-psychotics (Mainly Aripiprazole), which i've seen been used for treating very strong Manic episodes, can and do help as a combo, if needed later on. They don't kill off your energy too much, while helping with psychosis, and anxiety.
If you're using lithium carbonate, you wanna make sure your blood dosage of lithium is between 1.0 - 1.2 (the closest to 1.1 is usually the best for most people). If it's not, you could try increasing dosage slowly and carefully, and always with follow-up if possible.
Be very careful if you're using anti-depressants. These can worsen your cycle and increase the manic episodes, which in turn increase the aftermath of depression and such.
TLDR: Benzos can help in short term treatment of anxiety, and in medium-long term i suppose adjusting your treatment might be useful. Careful with anti-depressants.
Wish you the best.

no thanks, not interested in being medicated (aside from recreational use). my depression is a realistic response to a miserable existence and a fucked up world. and my mania is the only thing that has ever made living worthwhile or at all enjoyable. even my psychosis is something im proud of.

if you want to 'help' people, go find someone in the recovery subforum to reply to

 

[Calicocat]

no thanks, not interested in being medicated (aside from recreational use). my depression is a realistic response to a miserable existence and a fucked up world. and my mania is the only thing that has ever made living worthwhile or at all enjoyable. even my psychosis is something im proud of.

if you want to 'help' people, go find someone in the recovery subforum to reply to

Okay! i'm sorry. Didn't realize this subforum was not for helping at all (even if only by sharing purely logical information and non phylosopical positivity bullshit). Should i delete the post?

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

Okay! i'm sorry. Didn't realize this subforum was not for helping at all. Should i delete the post?

you can leave it, i dont care

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds awful and tiring what you have to go through and I do believe that the reality is that there is simply no real relief from suffering in this world. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

Okay! i'm sorry. Didn't realize this subforum was not for helping at all (even if only by sharing purely logical information and non phylosopical positivity bullshit). Should i delete the post?

i see you edited your reply to add a snarky defensive side comment in parentheses. nothing you said was "purely logical", you just spewed pro-life & pro-psychiatry nonsense and wrongly assumed that im receiving psychiatric treatment and wrongly assumed that im at all interested in treatment or getting better in the first place. there's nothing "logical" about making assumptions like that and writing an essay with unsolicited advice based on those wrong assumptions in reply to a venting post in a suicide forum. there's also nothing "logical" about promoting psychiatry and giving the pharmaceutical industry free advertising. psychiatry is corrupt and only exists to pacify people and make sure we stay obedient workers. and mental health diagnoses are just made up constructs to pathologize people's responses to the suffering of existence and the oppression of this fucked up capitalist hellhole. i shouldnt have even mentioned im dx'd with bipolar, even tho i use the term to reclaim it, bc clearly its not worth reclaiming if i have to deal with being pathologized all over again.

im in this forum because i want to ctb and plan to ctb in the future. there are no alternatives for me. ive tried meds and all they did was give me addictions. im specifically here to get away from the pro-life & pro-psychiatry bs thats forced on us everywhere. if i wanted to hear pro-life and pro-psychiatry bs, i'd have talked to a therapist or posted in recovery.

 

[ManicNarcissus]

i have bipolar, and i was in a manic episode for a while recently. it was easily the most intense mania ive ever experienced and i had full on psychosis. but i knew, as always, that it would eventually end and i'd flip back into a depressive episode. well, thats happened now.

this is where im at right now. almost a month straight of pure mania is ending and fast. it doesnt ever get better for me.