Hello. I'm pretty new to this forum, though I've lurked here in the past before ever creating this account.
I've had suicidal thoughts since middle school, but I think my depression started earlier than that. I've never been truly happy. My heart longs for friendship and human interaction, but my brain doesn't know how to keep those friends. Every time I've tried to be a part of a community, I failed. I almost failed high school, because of my low attendance and the only positive relationships I had during that time were with my teachers, who probably talked with me out of pity. I dropped out of university twice, because I couldn't manage all the different aspects of student life, as well as my ever present depression and loneliness. Now I'm enrolled again. I'm attending therapy, I'm prescribed antidepressants. I've been managing everything better then ever. But then there are days when I forget to take my meds. And suddenly everything that was wrong with my life is back with doubled force, it seems. It happend from time to time and it's never expected and every time it happens, I take another small step towards planning my own death. And frankly, I'm not even scared, you know? I don't have much to live for. The only reason I haven't jumped in front of a train just yet is that my mother would be heartbroken. Also, my dog would probably miss me, too. But even when I'm better mentally, I catch myself planning what I'll do next with intentions like "I want to read this voice novel once more before I die", "I want to do this before I kill myself". When I talk about it with people I say it scares me, but in reality, death is the only thing I'm really looking forward to in life. The only long-term goal I have in mind. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe I can find a person who loves me and live a happy life together. I'm disgusted with myself and I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to tie their future with my person.
Well, that's it for my rant. Thank you for reading it and have a peaceful night.
I've had suicidal thoughts since middle school, but I think my depression started earlier than that. I've never been truly happy. My heart longs for friendship and human interaction, but my brain doesn't know how to keep those friends. Every time I've tried to be a part of a community, I failed. I almost failed high school, because of my low attendance and the only positive relationships I had during that time were with my teachers, who probably talked with me out of pity. I dropped out of university twice, because I couldn't manage all the different aspects of student life, as well as my ever present depression and loneliness. Now I'm enrolled again. I'm attending therapy, I'm prescribed antidepressants. I've been managing everything better then ever. But then there are days when I forget to take my meds. And suddenly everything that was wrong with my life is back with doubled force, it seems. It happend from time to time and it's never expected and every time it happens, I take another small step towards planning my own death. And frankly, I'm not even scared, you know? I don't have much to live for. The only reason I haven't jumped in front of a train just yet is that my mother would be heartbroken. Also, my dog would probably miss me, too. But even when I'm better mentally, I catch myself planning what I'll do next with intentions like "I want to read this voice novel once more before I die", "I want to do this before I kill myself". When I talk about it with people I say it scares me, but in reality, death is the only thing I'm really looking forward to in life. The only long-term goal I have in mind. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe I can find a person who loves me and live a happy life together. I'm disgusted with myself and I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to tie their future with my person.
Well, that's it for my rant. Thank you for reading it and have a peaceful night.
