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D

Deleted member 14177

not home
Jan 20, 2020
345
Ive been spending a lot of time in therapy and have been in search of "finding myself", both within relationships and through meditation.. This time spent has allowed me to realize I am in complete denial about who I am. I've managed to push away thoughts about my sexuality for months and years. I've pushed people that loved and cared about me far away. Anytime a little bit of reality surfaces I panic and I run. My previous relationship was becoming so very real, I loved her so much but the pain of the wanting things to be a specific way grew to be too much for me and I ran. If I feel out of control, I become frantic and withdrawal. I pretend everything is fine but it's really not. I feel that isolating myself from life maybe makes me think I have some kind of control on things but it doesn't. I ache so badly for what I wish things could be. The months go on and now I find myself obsessing over the idea of being alone. I then go into this loop, convincing myself I'll never have a chance at happiness, not feeling confident to express how I feel, terrified to be honest about who I am. Terrified to admit it. It's so incredibly depressing and lonesome. I just wish I could be happy, I don't want to live this way. It isn't as easy as just accepting myself. There are so many moving parts, things that follow in line, it's all too much to think about sometimes. I'm just so sad.
 
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HeavensOpenDoor

HeavensOpenDoor

Jul 6, 2020
87
I think you just have to be true to who you are and if people don't understand then screw them. To thine own self be true.
 
WillOxyWork

WillOxyWork

Student
Jul 4, 2020
126
Life is a mess. I get how it feels to push people who love you away. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I could alienate someone who has nothing but love for me.
 
Deleted member 17949

Deleted member 17949

Visionary
May 9, 2020
2,238
You sound emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. Seems like you really need to take the pressure off yourself here.
 
W

Wisdom3_1-9

he/him/his
Jul 19, 2020
1,939
Accepting myself has been a huge challenge. I'm a gay Catholic and used to teach at a Catholic school and work for the Church. It was so difficult to reconcile my religion with my sexuality and to be comfortable in my own skin. That's just one example. There are still aspects of myself that I don't reveal to the world and even have trouble accepting them myself.

I think life is particularly unfair to people who struggle with their sexuality. The journey is usually wrought with troubles. Finding happiness can seem impossible at times. Find strength in others who have been through similar experiences.
 

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