donsie
She whispered and it echoed
- Jan 9, 2024
- 75
My bus has been delayed…
This has been a very up and down last few months, I should be gone by now. Every time I get close my brain tricks me into delay. Like I keep finding reasons to delay it to the next day or I chose a different day.
I came within inches of telling my best friend and my father last night, but I didn't. For a moment I had this hope that life could shift and I sat with that feeling and then I thought about how many times I've been here. How many times I attempted and how I put in solid effort and how many times I end right back to wanting close my eyes and never wake up.
Someone one time asked me what my drug of choice was, I told them suicide. Every time I ended up in the hospital and got out and how it was this rush of okay "new beginnings" time. Time to reinvent yourself again….
This time is different, I don't want to push forward. I've did this song and dance so many times and the world still ends up ugly and I still don't want to live.
I think back to my first attempt and remember all the reasons why and 75% of those reasons are the same today…. 29 years later.
I've lurked on this site for about a year now and I'm a new member. I joined so I could search and post a few things I needed help with. This place is a safe place with like minded people and without I likely would have made some very rash decisions that would have caused a lot of collateral damage. Not only is it a shame we can't choose to end our life, but the fact that we can't have these open conversations without fear of being caught and persecuted is a crime in itself. This place doesn't encourage, it comforts.
So now that I've had my clarity and I know this is for sure what I want… now it's a weather delay … or is this my brain?
The bus is delayed, but I got my ticket and I will board this week.
Thanks for viewing and thanks for creating a space where I can put my thoughts and read others.
This has been a very up and down last few months, I should be gone by now. Every time I get close my brain tricks me into delay. Like I keep finding reasons to delay it to the next day or I chose a different day.
I came within inches of telling my best friend and my father last night, but I didn't. For a moment I had this hope that life could shift and I sat with that feeling and then I thought about how many times I've been here. How many times I attempted and how I put in solid effort and how many times I end right back to wanting close my eyes and never wake up.
Someone one time asked me what my drug of choice was, I told them suicide. Every time I ended up in the hospital and got out and how it was this rush of okay "new beginnings" time. Time to reinvent yourself again….
This time is different, I don't want to push forward. I've did this song and dance so many times and the world still ends up ugly and I still don't want to live.
I think back to my first attempt and remember all the reasons why and 75% of those reasons are the same today…. 29 years later.
I've lurked on this site for about a year now and I'm a new member. I joined so I could search and post a few things I needed help with. This place is a safe place with like minded people and without I likely would have made some very rash decisions that would have caused a lot of collateral damage. Not only is it a shame we can't choose to end our life, but the fact that we can't have these open conversations without fear of being caught and persecuted is a crime in itself. This place doesn't encourage, it comforts.
So now that I've had my clarity and I know this is for sure what I want… now it's a weather delay … or is this my brain?
The bus is delayed, but I got my ticket and I will board this week.
Thanks for viewing and thanks for creating a space where I can put my thoughts and read others.
. I'm sorry you're bus got delayed, but hopefully now you won't have to wait any longer (if you choose to go through with it). Maybe it got delayed for a reason, who knows. 
