Discussion Defusing the "Outsider Bomb " .

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I'm having a verbose oversharing day .

I'm in recovery , I guess.
I guess I always have been .

Thoughts of ultimate futility knitted with personal irrelevance were everyday fare in my upbringing.
They were the primary spiritual nourishment .

Along with a deeply inculcated sense of not belonging .

I just do not belong .

I had a brief six month stay in my country of origin in my twenties and I felt the shadow of belonging , on reflection , but it was
something I didn't really grasp at time ( too busy focusing on the bullying thugs at the factory and my two faced 'lieing to myself' relationship with my ex , to notice .

Anyway .

It's people fear , social anxiety , lack of trust , low self esteem ,negative self talk ... running out of labels here ....
drowning in existential anxiety ...

One idea I came across recently was actually " not being with oneself ".

It really resonated .
Living like a zombie .
Not in myself at all .

anything "I" was , was somehow without value and meaning .

Zoned out into a permanent 'avoidant' state , Catatonic .

Scary as fuck.

The main point is that lots of people are semi-zoned out or in their own purgatory of 'not belonging' but we all 'pretend' or
just muddle along as best we can .

Accepting others may be a very valuable part of accepting our selves .

It might have some positive spin in our ability to deal with reality as well ...

Not belonging as an inside and outside deal ; not fitting in the world and not fitting in 'our selves' ...
So weird .

I'm sloppily hodge podging through some half hearted changes in my 'attitude' (?) and it may be helping .

Those roots of 'otheration' ( I loved that word when I first read it , it described my vibe ... the way i defined my life by other peoples
lives and ideas and hopped onto others wagons because I lacked any myself etc etc ) go right back to that
childhood of " Not Belonging " where my 'outsider bomb' was installed .

Still attempting to defuse / deconstruct it .

It's a nuanced mission ... so many things I don't want to fit into , but have to , to survive .

One of my coping missions is posting on line .
Although it is more active than reading without response.

I am avoiding traction in the world as I type . There are things I need to do ... but I am obsessed with these issues that seem to
swamp the relevance of necessary right action .

One of my therapists pin pointed my need for agency , and they were right .

But what was missing was 'the goal' ... the landscape that accomodated my construction via agency .

The world was otherated into a hostile zone of aliens .

Maybe I need to embrace my inner alien and see everone as a loveable alien as well ?

( Having a reasonably 'up' day ... sorry for the waffle . )

Having spieled all that , at root , I think the whole deal was visceral inner non belonging in myself .
A coping mechanism when trauma meant being 'me' was just unacceptable , so I would actively avoid it .

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

Thanks for sharing. Sometimes the "stream of consciousness" approach is the best method to document one's headspace.

Do you ever feel a sense of being an imposter? As in you're living someone else's life instead of your own, either consciously or subconsciously?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Thanks for sharing. Sometimes the "stream of consciousness" approach is the best method to document one's headspace.

Do you ever feel a sense of being an imposter? As in you're living someone else's life instead of your own, either consciously or subconsciously?

I used to a lot more than now,

I think I wasn't 'in myself' for a lot of my life ; playing a role , pretending to cope .

A lot of my life choices were from thinking choices about how to be 'normal' or cope with a strange
world view and stranger inner world . Again , pretending .

Only recently the idea of actually "being in my own body " via some kind of emotional self acceptance
has changed things a bit . It's all child hood trauma related - nothing 'that bad' as far as I can remember , but
completely disorientating and disempowering .

I guess i have always felt like an imposter ... but I probably downplay things as not being that bad as a coping mechanism .

I feel I need to belong in me rather than in society a bit more right now .

Feeling that a lot of ostracising behaviour ( people reacting to my weirdness and me over reacting and self isolating )
was horrible , but not as bad as disowning my own self .

Taught to 'not be '.

Yuck .