Venting Deception loneliness and drowning

[Daktalsnakal]

I just got home from having dinner with my mom it went great, I dont think she or anyone has a clue about what I'm planning to do. I'm good at hiding it and I dont really talk to anyone about anything in general anyway. I cant help but feel guilty and deceptive of the people who I love, I put on a fake face and go on as though nothing was wrong and everytime I approach my empty house that face breaks and I feel like I'm drowning. Like every step closer to the door water crawls further up my throat and when I'm inside it's like an endless choking and gagging feeling. For a few moments you can fend off the bad thoughts and symptoms of anxiety but eventually they force open your mouth and crawl down your throat scratching it as it sinks down into your gut and the only thing you want is to die and end it all. No more shame no more regret, anger, sadness, loneliness. At least I tell myself at least I can say I'm grateful for this place I gain knowledge for when the day comes and it takes the edge away from the loneliness. I hope whoever is online and is here now has a better night than the one before and an even better one tomorrow.

 

[Jean4]

You are new so welcome!

We all understand what it is like putting on the fake smile to the outside world pretending everything is ok.

Feel free vent here. We understand:)

 

[Daktalsnakal]

You are new so welcome!

We all understand what it is like putting on the fake smile to the outside world pretending everything is ok.

Feel free vent here. We understand:)

Thank you for the welcoming, the simple fact that theres people who can hear you and understand what your feeling is just beautiful.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Its nearly 2 AM here in UK and I much too unsettled and alone to turn out lamp and lay down. I did plan an early night and do need it as so weak physically, but hasn't happened. Nice to have your post to keep me company, such depth in your words. I agree about being grateful for this place and how hard it is in life to put on that fake face/smile- which I call my clowns face.

 

[Jean4]

Its nearly 2 AM here in UK and I much too unsettled and alone to turn out lamp and lay down. I did plan an early night and do need it as so weak physically, but hasn't happened. Nice to have your post to keep me company, such depth in your words. I agree about being grateful for this place and how hard it is in life to put on that fake face/smile- which I call my clowns face.

Another newbie. Welcome!

 

[Daktalsnakal]

Its nearly 2 AM here in UK and I much too unsettled and alone to turn out lamp and lay down. I did plan an early night and do need it as so weak physically, but hasn't happened. Nice to have your post to keep me company, such depth in your words. I agree about being grateful for this place and how hard it is in life to put on that fake face/smile- which I call my clowns face.

Greetings and salutations from the US, haha they really do feel like clown faces come to think about it