Venting Death without Dignity

[willitpass]

Repost from my sanctuary thread for any pro-life lurkers.

I hate how bias the assisted suicide community is against mental illness. Even to those who believe in the right to die mentally ill people are infantalized and discounted. As with physically ill assisted suicide, I believe you should have to prove you've done enough to attempt to get better and there is valid reason to believe you will not achieve quality of life, but fuck we shouldn't be excluded. Do the majority of people with mental illness live meaningful lives with reasonable quality, or even make full recovery? Yes. But not everyone. We are not a monogamy. Mental illness is a broad range from a little social anxiety to debilitating suicidal depression.

I'm so angry tonight that I will die alone and likely in a certain degree of pain. I will be risking severe damage to my heart and brain if I survive. I will be in a shitty hotel room and never get to say goodbye to my loved ones. My death will be processed as a crime scene. My family may or may not get to see my last words in my journals, depending on if the police release them. I will be subjected to an unwanted autopsy. My family will be blindsided by my death. They will not get to say a proper goodbye. All because people don't believe in the right to die for people with mental illness, no matter how much of a fight they put in. No matter how long and how horribly we suffer. We don't get the luxury we give to our cats and dogs. We have to die in horrible circumstances. And it's not fucking fair. I'm so fucking angry. I just want to be able to say goodbye. I want to not fear my method fucking me up. I want to know my body will be treated with respect when I am gone. It's not fucking fair.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I wish I lived in a country where I could at least apply for it.

It's not just having access to a peaceful and successful method. People will say we can do that with effort on our own. It's not being forced to do it in the shadows and being able to gave closure. It's about not leaving a sudden mess.

 

[willitpass]

I wish I lived in a country where I could at least apply for it.

It's not just having access to a peaceful and successful method. People will say we can do that with effort on our own. It's not being forced to do it in the shadows and being able to gave closure. It's about not leaving a sudden mess.

I'd take a painful assisted suicide if it meant I got to say goodbye to my friends and family. If it meant I didn't have to die alone. I feel like I'm being degraded as a human being having to do this alone.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I relate fully to everything you said. I've watched every video on YouTube about this and people who have gotten to use it and then in contrast I think about what people here have to resort to, and it pains me. I'm so grateful for this place because fuck! Finally somewhere I can feel safe saying what I want to fucking say. But….

It's not fucking fair, none of it is fair, it's actually quite gross when getting into the nitty gritty, when there has been so many campaigns about recognizing mental illness as serious as physical illness, yet we are still left without any fucking options.

 

[willitpass]

I relate fully to everything you said. I've watched every video on YouTube about this and people who have gotten to use it and then in contrast I think about what people here have to resort to, and it pains me. I'm so grateful for this place because fuck! Finally somewhere I can feel safe saying what I want to fucking say. But….

It's not fucking fair, none of it is fair, it's actually quite gross when getting into the nitty gritty, when there has been so many campaigns about recognizing mental illness as serious as physical illness, yet we are still left without any fucking options.

No amount of mental suffering is enough for anyone to accept that death is a reasonable option. A life of never ending pain is better to them than letting us go. There are some people who can't be helped, even if we are the minority. That just can't seem to make sense to people.

 

[Chinaski]

I'm very physically ill and wouldn't qualify for assisted suicide either, under any metric. If you can't kill yourself (no shame in that, I'm still here too) and are instead waiting for someone to legislate for your death be mindful that that comes with a significant societal price.

 

[willitpass]

I'm very physically ill and wouldn't qualify for assisted suicide either, under any metric. If you can't kill yourself (no shame in that, I'm still here too) and are instead waiting for someone to legislate for your death be mindful that that comes with a significant societal price.

I have a date for a week and a day from now. I've survived three attempts doctors have told me I should not have survived, much less without permanent damage, though, so I am fully prepared for the possibility that I make it out of this one as well. I am combining two prescription heart meds in massive overdoses alone with small doses of benadryl and baclofen for sedation (baclofen will also enhance the cardiotoxic effects of the other two meds) and two bottles of visine for both sedation and cardiotoxic effects. All taken times to reach peak effects at the same time. Once the sedation starts to hit I'm putting a bag over my head for a double whammy with suffocation. All alone in a hotel room with no goodbye. I feel confident in my method, but I've felt confident the other three times too.

I'm not waiting for society to change their minds. I don't have that much fight left in me. But I hope that one day after I'm gone progress is made. I hope that my writings left behind, be it here or my journal writings, will somehow make a difference. I doubt it, but maybe someone will see the agony that people go through and realize in some cases death with dignity is the best option for a select few with mental illness.

I apologize that this is not as well written as I have been in the past. My thoughts have become a lot fuzzier and harder to put together these last few weeks due to my worsening overdosing on laxatives and pain killers.

 

[-Link-]

@willitpass I appreciate you writing this and taking the time and mental energy to post it publicly. You articulate the injustice of this in such a personal way, I'm not sure I could have ever said it like you just did here, so thank you for doing it.

It truly isn't fair at all.

I am sorry you are being failed so badly.

 

[dune_dweller]

I wish I lived in a country where I could at least apply for it.

It's not just having access to a peaceful and successful method. People will say we can do that with effort on our own. It's not being forced to do it in the shadows and being able to gave closure. It's about not leaving a sudden mess.

Exactly.

I actually have a family that would be supportive of me if I chose to do it.

They wouldn't like it, but they would understand it.

And I would prefer that if I did choose to go out, that I could go out surrounded by them, with goodbyes, jokes, closure.

But as it stands, if they were present, they will be charged with a crime, and if I do it alone, they won't know when I will decide to leave, and it'll just be... a sad and desolate death.

 

[Chinaski]

I have a date for a week and a day from now. I've survived three attempts doctors have told me I should not have survived, much less without permanent damage, though, so I am fully prepared for the possibility that I make it out of this one as well. I am combining two prescription heart meds in massive overdoses alone with small doses of benadryl and baclofen for sedation (baclofen will also enhance the cardiotoxic effects of the other two meds) and two bottles of visine for both sedation and cardiotoxic effects. All taken times to reach peak effects at the same time. Once the sedation starts to hit I'm putting a bag over my head for a double whammy with suffocation. All alone in a hotel room with no goodbye. I feel confident in my method, but I've felt confident the other three times too.

I'm not waiting for society to change their minds. I don't have that much fight left in me. But I hope that one day after I'm gone progress is made. I hope that my writings left behind, be it here or my journal writings, will somehow make a difference. I doubt it, but maybe someone will see the agony that people go through and realize in some cases death with dignity is the best option for a select few with mental illness.

I apologize that this is not as well written as I have been in the past. My thoughts have become a lot fuzzier and harder to put together these last few weeks due to my worsening overdosing on laxatives and pain killers.

Don't apologise for a perceived lack of clarity in your output, there was none. Also don't apologise to me full stop.

I get the sentiment. I too have a death wish and an inability to make the final step. Maybe I'm too fatigued from reading so many THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD KILL ME posts to revognise the difference between puerile juvenilia and a plea for dignity but essentially it reads the same. Ultimately this is a political discussion, and assisted suicide will come sooner than we presently think. For every suicidal person who takes it up, twenty non-suicidal people who see themselves as economically burdensome, are denied healthcare due to their financial status, or are just generally working class and tired, will follow. This is a discussion which detracts from your present individual situation and of course you don't want to hear it but it explaims my reply at least.

Also killing yourself is your pick and if you're fully decided on the events you describe in your second paragraph then okay, you've more courage than l and l wish whatever brought you to that resolution did not take place because l read your posts and they're smart and l liked reading them, if you're gonna go know that at least, even if beyond that you're the ninth biggest asshole on the planet

 

[willitpass]

Don't apologise for a perceived lack of clarity in your output, there was none. Also don't apologise to me full stop.

I get the sentiment. I too have a death wish and an inability to make the final step. Maybe I'm too fatigued from reading so many THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD KILL ME posts to revognise the difference between puerile juvenilia and a plea for dignity but essentially it reads the same. Ultimately this is a political discussion, and assisted suicide will come sooner than we presently think. For every suicidal person who takes it up, twenty non-suicidal people who see themselves as economically burdensome, are denied healthcare due to their financial status, or are just generally working class and tired, will follow. This is a discussion which detracts from your present individual situation and of course you don't want to hear it but it explaims my reply at least.

Also killing yourself is your pick and if you're fully decided on the events you describe in your second paragraph then okay, you've more courage than l and l wish whatever brought you to that resolution did not take place because l read your posts and they're smart and l liked reading them, if you're gonna go know that at least, even if beyond that you're the ninth biggest asshole on the planet

I think many of the "the government should kill me" posts are quite juvenile as well. Many of them are just asking for no background checks, no proof of attempts at life, just sign a paper and here's some N. I don't agree with that sentiment and it will never happen, at least I don't believe it will. But with a reasonable attempts and time given I do believe that the Right to Die movement as a whole infantalizes mentally ill people. Those who are pro Death with Dignity will say that it is an outrage that physically ill people cannot access a peaceful death and it should be much more readily available. The second any mental health condition is brought up they do a 180 and we all "just need a little help". No ifs ands or buts. I'm not asking the government to kill me. I'm hoping one day there will be an option for the terminally mentally ill to be able to say goodbye to their families. To not die in a cheap, dirty hotel room with no one to hold their hand. It will not happen in my time, but I hope one day that option becomes available for all severely physically and mentally ill people. To die with less dignity than the family dog is not a death anyone deserves.

 

[Chinaski]

Thing is, none of us die with dignity. I saw both my parents die relatively recently and it wasn't pretty. Very few of us get the romantic, Hollywood passing as described in the PPH. Even the actual *king of rock and roll* died on the shitter. Those of us who find life too difficult and feel the need to bail before our time must do it ourselves and, tbh, this is how it should be - you've got to *really* want it to get it. I lament this but recognise why it should be.

Will also observe here that assisted suicide at assessment is less a case of mentally v physically ill, and more a case of wealthy v skint, but again this is a political point which does nothing for your individual pain the severity of which l recognise in your very honest posting. I'm very sorry it's come to this for you.

 

[willitpass]

Thing is, none of us die with dignity. I saw both my parents die relatively recently and it wasn't pretty. Very few of us get the romantic, Hollywood passing as described in the PPH. Even the actual *king of rock and roll* died on the shitter. Those of us who find life too difficult and feel the need to bail before our time must do it ourselves and, tbh, this is how it should be - you've got to *really* want it to get it. I lament this but recognise why it should be.

Will also observe here that assisted suicide at assessment is less a case of mentally v physically ill, and more a case of wealthy v skint, but again this is a political point which does nothing for your individual pain the severity of which l recognise in your very honest posting. I'm very sorry it's come to this for you.

It is nature that not everyone is going to have a glamorous death. It's unfortunate that people have to go in pain, but that isn't going to change no matter how the world progresses. Natural and unnatural deaths will happen in painful, ugly ways. Such is the circle of life. But the world is moving in a direction of assisting people in death. Logistically yes, from a standpoint of the people who can actually move legislation it comes down to economic class and who can pay the big bucks to make it financially worth taking you out. But for it to even reach the point of lawmakers, enough citizens would need to make it a big enough issue for them to want to bother looking into it. And as it stands, most people who support assisted suicide do not support it for the mentally ill, no matter the circumstances. On a personal, low life civilian level, the right to death with dignity for the mentally ill is not even in the cards.

 

[Chinaski]

We're at cross purposes here l think and, idk, feel like I'd be imposing to prolong this because you're clearly struggling right now and, if what you describe above comes to pass, you'll be spending your final days 'debating' with a drunk on the internet and not even l would wish that upon you. My view is that death is not dignified full stop, it's ignominious, brutal, embarrassing even. I watched someone take six months to die. I saw a stranger keel over and splutter his last words to me (they were "fucking hell" fwiw). I know two people who went under a train, that most unpalatable of methods. I know a man who simply *died* whilst driving a truck on a motorway - traffic chaos ensued. My father got up for a piss and fell flat on his face. Daft Joey drowned in the bath when he was hammered. Mama Cass choked on a sandwich. When people say they just want a "dignified death" they're asking for something which is open to chance for all, healthy or unhealthy. Death? Yours if you want it. Dignity? A lottery.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I'm not waiting for society to change their minds. I don't have that much fight left in me. But I hope that one day after I'm gone progress is made. I hope that my writings left behind, be it here or my journal writings, will somehow make a difference. I doubt it, but maybe someone will see the agony that people go through and realize in some cases death with dignity is the best option for a select few with mental illness.

You will be remembered, by at least one person, me. I promise. I've read a lot of your posts and they're very insightful. I hope to recover, God willing, and when I do, I will remember you. And it will make me more empathetic to those who struggle with the same things you do. I hope you find peace!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It is nature that not everyone is going to have a glamorous death. It's unfortunate that people have to go in pain, but that isn't going to change no matter how the world progresses. Natural and unnatural deaths will happen in painful, ugly ways. Such is the circle of life. But the world is moving in a direction of assisting people in death. Logistically yes, from a standpoint of the people who can actually move legislation it comes down to economic class and who can pay the big bucks to make it financially worth taking you out. But for it to even reach the point of lawmakers, enough citizens would need to make it a big enough issue for them to want to bother looking into it. And as it stands, most people who support assisted suicide do not support it for the mentally ill, no matter the circumstances. On a personal, low life civilian level, the right to death with dignity for the mentally ill is not even in the cards.

It's just irritating because I was forced into psychiatry at a young age and let's just say it was quite a long and complex saga. I'm sure you can relate. And then when I developed a chronic ailment I had to deal with the non mental health side of the medical industry and that was am exercise in futility as well.

So I know this is speaking from a purely emotional standpoint, but having been failed by both sides of the medical profession, I feel, well, can we say we deserve something without necessarily being owed it? Because even if they still don't owe it to me to actually be useful for once, I still I feel I deserve it.

We're at cross purposes here l think and, idk, feel like I'd be imposing to prolong this because you're clearly struggling right now and, if what you describe above comes to pass, you'll be spending your final days 'debating' with a drunk on the internet and not even l would wish that upon you. My view is that death is not dignified full stop, it's ignominious, brutal, embarrassing even. I watched someone take six months to die. I saw a stranger keel over and splutter his last words to me (they were "fucking hell" fwiw). I know two people who went under a train, that most unpalatable of methods. I know a man who simply *died* whilst driving a truck on a motorway - traffic chaos ensued. My father got up for a piss and fell flat on his face. Daft Joey drowned in the bath when he was hammered. Mama Cass choked on a sandwich. When people say they just want a "dignified death" they're asking for something which is open to chance for all, healthy or unhealthy. Death? Yours if you want it. Dignity? A lottery.

Bear in mind OP isn't just talking about the pathology of the death or how it goes down when she talks about dignity. She also means not having to die in the shadows all alone. Also people in the world have received assisted death on the basis of non-terminal suffering so since there is that precedent it makes sense to long for it for yourself, right?

Bad deaths suck. It just sucks extra hard when you had a bad life leading up to it as well.

 

[Chinaski]

Also people in the world have received assisted death on the basis of non-terminal suffering so since there is that precedent it makes sense to long for it for yourself, righr?

Sure, l long for it myself, l long for good healthcare, l long for a lottery win, l long for time travel, l long for the courage to see this whole bullshit off, l long for people to stop feeling it's incumbent upon themselves to interject in a pious, handwringing way each time l state the fact that death and dignity are rarely found together, l long for my upstairs neighbour to cease hoovering at ungodly hours, l long

 

[willitpass]

It's just irritating because I was forced into psychiatry at a young age and let's just say it was quite a long and complex saga. I'm sure you can relate. And then when I developed a chronic ailment I had to deal with the non mental health side of the medical industry and that was am exercise in futility as well.

So I know this is speaking from a purely emotional standpoint, but having been failed by both sides of the medical profession, I feel, well, can we say we deserve something without necessarily being owed it? Because even if they still don't owe it to me to actually be useful for once, I still I feel I deserve it.


Bear in mind OP isn't just talking about the pathology of the death or how it goes down when she talks about dignity. She also means not having to die in the shadows all alone. Also people in the world have received assisted death on the basis of non-terminal suffering so since there is that precedent it makes sense to long for it for yourself, right?

Bad deaths suck. It just sucks extra hard when you had a bad life leading up to it as well.

I've had quite the battle with the physical health care system as well. I don't necessarily feel owed by the medical system. I guess I just long for societal acceptance that sometimes mental illness is terminal. Because so long as it is believed there is a zero tolerance policy for mentally ill suicide, people will continue to have to die alone. People won't get to say goodbye. People will have to bend over backwards in ways that make the dying process more isolating, upsetting, and dangerous. I want nothing more than to be able to tell my family goodbye.

 

[whotookmylexapro]

youve summed up pretty much everything i feel about it. I wish i could have autonomy in death. Instead, my mental illness is downplayed and forced to suffer instead of just mercy killing. We're nothing but a trophy on someones shelf meant to just sit there for the sake of our loved ones. I hate it. No one fucking cares until you actually attempt suicide. And even then, they have to still go on with their lives. What is the point of "telling someone you love" about your issues? I would much rather die than put someone through the stress of my own problems.