Venting Death as a logical decision

[offbalance]

I feel like life is chaotic, painful, random, unfair and objectively more bad than good. Even during the happy times that can be stuck in my mind. So objectively the logical decision might be suicide… but my mind fights because life can be better if you make it so. I just… don't like this universe. Life and choices and everything is so arbitrary and random and I just wish I didn't have to do it. Be anything or do anything.

But I feel stuck because happiness can be made too. Even though I'd still be living in this shitty chaotic world. Is suicide a more logical decision objectively? Part of me doesn't want to get better because I just am not sure I'm cut out for living in this world. Maybe I just am too weak and too idealistic. But hey maybe drugs will fix me.

 

[motel rooms]

But I feel stuck because happiness can be made too.

Then try to "make happiness". You can always ctb if you fail...

 

[TheHatedOne]

In my view happiness is just an illusion and, at best, we only get satisfied after our needs are met. But for these needs to be met we need to work a lot, be it working as in a job to earn pieces of paper to afford basic needs and pretty much everything, or work on yourself. Most of the time, most people don't have their needs met, not even the basic ones.

Life is just unnecessary fight for survival with a lot of suffering along the way, and all this for what?

 

[Darkover]

the human condition is a miserable one, the solution to life is not to exist at all otherwise expect you will be living out your misery here
the environment is shit because nothing here last, the environment is shit because there is nobody here for me, no love whats the point in living then

 

[offbalance]

Then try to "make happiness". You can always ctb if you fail...

But when I try my mind always goes to the negative stuff. Whenever I feel light there's always the darkness of the world looming in the background. Which is why I'm wondering if I'm just too emotional/weak. But like I said maybe drugs lol.

 

[back_to_oblivion]

No existence means no problems. But everyone must decide for themselves if their life is worth living or not, if you still have doubts and you think maybe you can still get something positive out of life then you should try that.

 

[motel rooms]

But when I try my mind always goes to the negative stuff. Whenever I feel light there's always the darkness of the world looming in the background. Which is why I'm wondering if I'm just too emotional/weak.

I don't know what to tell you... Yes, the world is a dark place, but it takes a lot of determination to ctb.

But like I said maybe drugs lol.

Drugs as in meds or? Meds might help, illegal drugs & alcohol definitely won't.

 

[_Minsk]

I see it the same way, the effort vs payoff isn't worth it since too many years now (at least for me)..

 

[offbalance]

I don't know what to tell you... Yes, the world is a dark place, but it takes a lot of determination to ctb.



Drugs as in meds or? Meds might help, illegal drugs & alcohol definitely won't.

I'm also trans (never transitioned) so I'm wondering if I should. Dysphoria definitely adds to determination to ctb. And yea, meds. I don't think I want to ctb at the moment, just kind of floating around right now. Ah well something will be figured out.

I see it the same way, the effort vs payoff isn't worth it since too many years now (at least for me)..

Indeed, and the pro lifers just tell us that it's worth it based on pure faith. No logic involved there

 

[motel rooms]

I'm also trans (never transitioned) so I'm wondering if I should.

I don't know... Transitioning would probably make you happier, but it's pretty expensive, isn't it?

 

[montana007]

I feel like life is chaotic, painful, random, unfair and objectively more bad than good. Even during the happy times that can be stuck in my mind. So objectively the logical decision might be suicide… but my mind fights because life can be better if you make it so. I just… don't like this universe. Life and choices and everything is so at arbritrary and random and I just wish I didn't have to do it. Be anything or do anything.

But I feel stuck because happiness can be made too. Even though I'd still be living in this shitty chaotic world. Is suicide really a more logical decision objectively? Part of me doesn't want to get better because of these questions. Not sure if anyone can relate just venting. Maybe I just am too weak for this world.

I believe I can relate. I also believe that sometimes it's not only a logical decision but rather a practical or pragmatic decision. Only way I can clarify is to describe my personal situation in as short and concise (not usually easy for me) manner. And maybe responding to you will put things into perspective for me myself and I. It's worth a bash anyway. I'm not entirely sure that happiness can be made (again). I struggle with this notion on and hourly basis and have done so for well over two years. Fact of the matter is that every single thing that I've ever had and that made me happy (if I think about the times I've been truly happy) is gone. And even if replaced and even if I was somehow magically injected back in time and with all of those things: I'm simply not the same person anymore. The depression that has set in has been absolutely crippling (both physically and mentally). I guess it depends on your definition of happiness and what makes you happy. In my case it's always been material i.e. fancy cars, own business, never having to think about buying something or spending money, that type of thing. And I get constant shit for this in real life i.e. well all can be replaced. Well maybe. I suppose with enough time an effort MAYBE. But for the fact that I no longer have "it" (and having had a mild stroke about a month ago which has affected my left side and I'm of the opinion it's affected me mentally overall i.e. I'm not quite as sharp mentally as I used to be, forget things, dumb shit like stuff I'm supposed to do during the day e.g. chores). Point is: I'm fooling myself into thinking that things will all come right and I'll be happy again if I can get back on track and replace all that's gone. I simply am not the same person anymore. In other words: even if I replaced my sports car it'd just not be the same i.e. there's no way I'd be able to jump in and out of said car and be as nimble as before. And the chances of my finding fixed employment at my age and with this semi-physical problem are absolutely fuck all to none. So in essence: I'm 56 years old and simply waiting to die and which could come who knows when in the future (speaking of natural causes here of course). And then there's the absolute and total and crippling depression and which is affecting every aspect of my life. And it's not like I've not tried i.e. now been on two different courses of anti-depressants both of which only made things worse i.e. did absolutely squat for depression but made me so tired and lethargic and listless and which just made things worse and made more shit for me on the home front because of not getting things done. Point is I cannot sit and post on forums day in and day out for the next however many years. So for me: I don't see the point of hanging in there as they all say. And the worst part is that nobody seems to understand (certainly not my partner i.e. she thinks I'm just slack and lazy and has no idea the fallout of deep and what seems to be ingrained depression). Even had the usual shit thrown in my direction i.e. its' the easy way out. Oh yeah? Makes me sick these people. If it were that easy to suicide and the easy way out then for fuck sure I'd have done something about it a LONG time ago. And I hate myself even more with every passing day for not having done anything about it and having to put up with emotional and verbal abuse (yes it's possible to abuse a man and frankly I'd prefer a clip around the earhole or punch in the face than ongoing emotional and verbal abuse).

So with almost hourly preciision: I'm sort of mentally shuffling between suicide and thoughts of trying to turn things around. It's debilitating to say the least. I've had a pretty good and amazing life. But I'm at the point where there are no bucket list items or things that I want to do and/or accomplish. Well there are I suppose but at this stage of the game they're totally unrealistic and off-the-wall as they say. At best when I think about them I get very brief respite from the blackness of suicidal thoughts and planning and depression. Until I remind myself to get real and get grip on reality. So from where I sit: suicide is totally logical and practical and pragmatic. It's not like I have responsibilities or dependents either. And that includes her for sure. I've been told well if that's your only solution that's fine just as long s you don't do it at home.

And then there's the current state of things in the world. the '80's are a distant memory. And I honestly feel like total stranger to this world what with all of the WOKE shit that's going on and everything that's going on in geopolitics. I'm not of this world as it has become. And not adjusting very well to it. I honestly thought I'd be living until I died. This isn't that. I"m simply existing and dimply alive, And I cannot come up with single logical reason for dragging this out any longer than needs be. It's just nonsensical to me. And it does make me angry and sad i.e. never ever did I think I'd end up like this or that it'd end this way. But I honestly do believe that there comes a point in somebody's life where things have gone too far and there's no realistic hope of getting things back on track. No amount of medication or counselling is going to change that. So yeah: I'm pretty fucking pissed off and the next person that comes with this shit of "oh things will get better as they always do" or the other usual crap of 'suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem".will meet their maker before I do. And which is a concern for me at this time i.e. my fuse has become incredibly short of late and sooner or later I'm going to do something that ends me up in deep shit (oh yes? define "short" i.e. nobody has that answer and that's when you get the blank 1 000 yard speechless stare from the person because only then do they realize what a bunch of shit they're speaking and suddenly they're no longer quite as "holy" as they were and full of their own pious shit").

Probably not much help to you I guess. And for damn sure probably more than you wanted to know.

Edit (and then I'm done bitching and squealing for the day I think)

What really and truly jives my fucking backside (as I see it anyway): because depression and the resultant suicidal thoughts are not visible e.g. like a broken leg or arm or something like that (in which case most decent human beings would bend over backwards to accommodate and be understanding and at very least open their fucking ears and try and understand or even feign to understand or feign to give a shit).

And to be honest: sometimes I sit and think well what a waste i.e. given that this is my decision already then isn't there some way I could make my death (demise?) count? I mean: the sky should be the limit no? Once you've reached this stage it's not like you have to be concerned about being shot or about punishment type of thing.

So much for the short and concise version! Sorry about that. I tried. Believe me it could have been worse i.e. my left hand is weak now thanks to this stroke and I touch type proper and at a mean speed too so it's a horrible feeling to be honest. Just another thing that's now fucked.

 

[Grav]

I see it as a logical choice for me. Even if I wait until my natural expiration date I'm on the down side years of life. Looking forward to failing health, most people will have some kind, keeps pushing on me to jump ship now (in addition to other things). Even on a good day it feels like I was able to pull myself out of the cesspool and get hosed off but I'll be back there anyway, no idea how to stay out. Even things I do for hobbies feel like a waste of money since it all ends up in a landfill anyway and I should sell off my stuff now while I'm still here. I need to ask my therapist about this. I feel for my wife because I'll make an argument that it makes complete sense and she really has nothing to counter it.

 

[montana007]

I see it as a logical choice for me. Even if I wait until my natural expiration date I'm on the down side years of life. Looking forward to failing health, most people will have some kind, keeps pushing on me to jump ship now (in addition to other things). Even on a good day it feels like I was able to pull myself out of the cesspool and get hosed off but I'll be back there anyway, no idea how to stay out. Even things I do for hobbies feel like a waste of money since it all ends up in a landfill anyway and I should sell off my stuff now while I'm still here. I need to ask my therapist about this. I feel for my wife because I'll make an argument that it makes complete sense and she really has nothing to counter it.

Some advice: unless you're sure about where you're going and and what you're doing going forward be careful what you give up and get rid of.

I've been seriously into my music my entire life. And due to some unbearable (personal) loss just over two years ago I slipped into deep depression and the suicide ideation just overtook me. But I couldn't (and obviously didn't) muster up the courage. I had spent absolutely huge amounts of money on the best of the best and very expensive musical equipment and gear. And I loved and coveted the stuff. And one day I realized that until I'd "let go" of everything I'd never go ahead. I'd read somewhere at the time that only once you've "let go" of everything (not necessarily only material goods) only )then would you be ready to go at peace. So like an idiot I got rid of the stuff obviously for a fraction of what it was worth. And guess what? I'm still here two fucking years later and with so many regrets (the loss of my equipment being one of them)r. And if music, for example, is a part of you and then it's gone it's unbearable i.e. the last two years would not have been as bad as they've been had I still had my sound and my gear (and for all I know I may not have been sitting here today typing this message and discussing suicide had I not made such a dumb decision with my stuff).

Hope that helps (no idea, obviously, what your hobbies are). I guess my point really is you need to ask yourself what if you don't or cannot go through with it? What then? How's things going to be for you? Because if there's one thing I've learned the hard way: things can be worse than being suicidal or depressed. If these hobbies of yours bring you even a modicum of joy and some relief then I'm saying hold off and think nice.

 

[little helpers]

Some advice: unless you're sure about where you're going and and what you're doing going forward be careful what you give up and get rid of.

I've been seriously into my music my entire life. And due to some unbearable (personal) loss just over two years ago I slipped into deep depression and the suicide ideation just overtook me. But I couldn't (and obviously didn't) muster up the courage. I had spent absolutely huge amounts of money on the best of the best and very expensive musical equipment and gear. And I loved and coveted the stuff. And one day I realized that until I'd "let go" of everything I'd never go ahead. I'd read somewhere at the time that only once you've "let go" of everything (not necessarily only material goods) only )then would you be ready to go at peace. So like an idiot I got rid of the stuff obviously for a fraction of what it was worth. And guess what? I'm still here two fucking years later and with so many regrets (the loss of my equipment being one of them)r. And if music, for example, is a part of you and then it's gone it's unbearable i.e. the last two years would not have been as bad as they've been had I still had my sound and my gear (and for all I know I may not have been sitting here today typing this message and discussing suicide had I not made such a dumb decision with my stuff).

Hope that helps (no idea, obviously, what your hobbies are). I guess my point really is you need to ask yourself what if you don't or cannot go through with it? What then? How's things going to be for you? Because if there's one thing I've learned the hard way: things can be worse than being suicidal or depressed. If these hobbies of yours bring you even a modicum of joy and some relief then I'm saying hold off and think nice.

I find it humorous in some ways that I've let go of practically everything now, is all prepared for death, yet I constantly get reminded how well I trained my own hands over the years playing guitar. it would be a great loss not having them. just let me die and have my hands live on. I know this makes no sense. it's how I feel though, oddly enough. all the "I'll go ctb RIGHT NOW but wait don't you wanna play xyz song or write some music?" I'd have to fully appreciate (or condemn) Rush and Elliott Smith for keeping me here. all becuz I got one more song on my bucket list. smh.

 

[Grav]

I wouldn't be dumping things in a rush but as a favor for my wife. She has no idea what things are worth or how to sell them. Lots of people in my hobby end up with a wife selling for pennies what they could easily get real money for. It is a constant battle in my head because I do like doing them but then the other half says "yeah so what . . ." and back-forth I go. If I did start liquidating my stuff that would probably set off her alarms.

 

[montana007]

I wouldn't be dumping things in a rush but as a favor for my wife. She has no idea what things are worth or how to sell them. Lots of people in my hobby end up with a wife selling for pennies what they could easily get real money for. It is a constant battle in my head because I do like doing them but then the other half says "yeah so what . . ." and back-forth I go. If I did start liquidating my stuff that would probably set off her alarms.

Think of yourself. And put yourself first. Here's an alternate thought: if you're anything like me and you end up hanging in there but without your hobby you could very well end up being an absolute miserable cunt to live with

I find it humorous in some ways that I've let go of practically everything now, is all prepared for death, yet I constantly get reminded how well I trained my own hands over the years playing guitar. it would be a great loss not having them. just let me die and have my hands live on. I know this makes no sense. it's how I feel though, oddly enough. all the "I'll go ctb RIGHT NOW but wait don't you wanna play xyz song or write some music?" I'd have to fully appreciate (or condemn) Rush and Elliott Smith for keeping me here. all becuz I got one more song on my bucket list. smh.

It makes plenty sense (to me anyway). Same here. I spent more than half of my adult life trying to perfect a Vivian Campbell solo (Dio) and was almost there. Oh well. Spilled milk. No going back unfortunately. Now see. This is the type of thing I need. Because thinking about this and a bunch of other past things are my triggers. All of these other methods ans shit don't suit. But today I started making a concerted effort to get a hold of a gun. Point being: I know once I'm triggered there'd be no hesitation and this mental anguish and pain and regret would be over in split seconds.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me, suicide is the only thing that makes sense. In a world like this, I see wanting suicide as being perfectly rational. We are brought into this world just to suffer. Life is a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. I have no interest in living and I want to escape decades of pain. We all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing anyway, as we never asked to exist in the first place. More than anything I wish I was never born.