I feel like life is chaotic, painful, random, unfair and objectively more bad than good. Even during the happy times that can be stuck in my mind. So objectively the logical decision might be suicide… but my mind fights because life can be better if you make it so. I just… don't like this universe. Life and choices and everything is so at arbritrary and random and I just wish I didn't have to do it. Be anything or do anything.
But I feel stuck because happiness can be made too. Even though I'd still be living in this shitty chaotic world. Is suicide really a more logical decision objectively? Part of me doesn't want to get better because of these questions. Not sure if anyone can relate just venting. Maybe I just am too weak for this world.
I believe I can relate. I also believe that sometimes it's not only a logical decision but rather a practical or pragmatic decision. Only way I can clarify is to describe my personal situation in as short and concise (not usually easy for me) manner. And maybe responding to you will put things into perspective for me myself and I. It's worth a bash anyway. I'm not entirely sure that happiness can be made (again). I struggle with this notion on and hourly basis and have done so for well over two years. Fact of the matter is that every single thing that I've ever had and that made me happy (if I think about the times I've been truly happy) is gone. And even if replaced and even if I was somehow magically injected back in time and with all of those things: I'm simply not the same person anymore. The depression that has set in has been absolutely crippling (both physically and mentally). I guess it depends on your definition of happiness and what makes you happy. In my case it's always been material i.e. fancy cars, own business, never having to think about buying something or spending money, that type of thing. And I get constant shit for this in real life i.e. well all can be replaced. Well maybe. I suppose with enough time an effort MAYBE. But for the fact that I no longer have "it" (and having had a mild stroke about a month ago which has affected my left side and I'm of the opinion it's affected me mentally overall i.e. I'm not quite as sharp mentally as I used to be, forget things, dumb shit like stuff I'm supposed to do during the day e.g. chores). Point is: I'm fooling myself into thinking that things will all come right and I'll be happy again if I can get back on track and replace all that's gone. I simply am not the same person anymore. In other words: even if I replaced my sports car it'd just not be the same i.e. there's no way I'd be able to jump in and out of said car and be as nimble as before. And the chances of my finding fixed employment at my age and with this semi-physical problem are absolutely fuck all to none. So in essence: I'm 56 years old and simply waiting to die and which could come who knows when in the future (speaking of natural causes here of course). And then there's the absolute and total and crippling depression and which is affecting every aspect of my life. And it's not like I've not tried i.e. now been on two different courses of anti-depressants both of which only made things worse i.e. did absolutely squat for depression but made me so tired and lethargic and listless and which just made things worse and made more shit for me on the home front because of not getting things done. Point is I cannot sit and post on forums day in and day out for the next however many years. So for me: I don't see the point of hanging in there as they all say. And the worst part is that nobody seems to understand (certainly not my partner i.e. she thinks I'm just slack and lazy and has no idea the fallout of deep and what seems to be ingrained depression). Even had the usual shit thrown in my direction i.e. its' the easy way out. Oh yeah? Makes me sick these people. If it were that easy to suicide and the easy way out then for fuck sure I'd have done something about it a LONG time ago. And I hate myself even more with every passing day for not having done anything about it and having to put up with emotional and verbal abuse (yes it's possible to abuse a man and frankly I'd prefer a clip around the earhole or punch in the face than ongoing emotional and verbal abuse).
So with almost hourly preciision: I'm sort of mentally shuffling between suicide and thoughts of trying to turn things around. It's debilitating to say the least. I've had a pretty good and amazing life. But I'm at the point where there are no bucket list items or things that I want to do and/or accomplish. Well there are I suppose but at this stage of the game they're totally unrealistic and off-the-wall as they say. At best when I think about them I get very brief respite from the blackness of suicidal thoughts and planning and depression. Until I remind myself to get real and get grip on reality. So from where I sit: suicide is totally logical and practical and pragmatic. It's not like I have responsibilities or dependents either. And that includes her for sure. I've been told well if that's your only solution that's fine just as long s you don't do it at home.
And then there's the current state of things in the world. the '80's are a distant memory. And I honestly feel like total stranger to this world what with all of the WOKE shit that's going on and everything that's going on in geopolitics. I'm not of this world as it has become. And not adjusting very well to it. I honestly thought I'd be living until I died. This isn't that. I"m simply existing and dimply alive, And I cannot come up with single logical reason for dragging this out any longer than needs be. It's just nonsensical to me. And it does make me angry and sad i.e. never ever did I think I'd end up like this or that it'd end this way. But I honestly do believe that there comes a point in somebody's life where things have gone too far and there's no realistic hope of getting things back on track. No amount of medication or counselling is going to change that. So yeah: I'm pretty fucking pissed off and the next person that comes with this shit of "oh things will get better as they always do" or the other usual crap of 'suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem".will meet their maker before I do. And which is a concern for me at this time i.e. my fuse has become incredibly short of late and sooner or later I'm going to do something that ends me up in deep shit (oh yes? define "short" i.e. nobody has that answer and that's when you get the blank 1 000 yard speechless stare from the person because only then do they realize what a bunch of shit they're speaking and suddenly they're no longer quite as "holy" as they were and full of their own pious shit").
Probably not much help to you I guess. And for damn sure probably more than you wanted to know.
Edit (and then I'm done bitching and squealing for the day I think)
What really and truly jives my fucking backside (as I see it anyway): because depression and the resultant suicidal thoughts are not visible e.g. like a broken leg or arm or something like that (in which case most decent human beings would bend over backwards to accommodate and be understanding and at very least open their fucking ears and try and understand or even feign to understand or feign to give a shit).
And to be honest: sometimes I sit and think well what a waste i.e. given that this is my decision already then isn't there some way I could make my death (demise?) count? I mean: the sky should be the limit no? Once you've reached this stage it's not like you have to be concerned about being shot or about punishment type of thing.
So much for the short and concise version!
Sorry about that. I tried. Believe me it could have been worse i.e. my left hand is weak now thanks to this stroke and I touch type proper and at a mean speed too so it's a horrible feeling to be honest. Just another thing that's now fucked.
