ShadowedChaos
LostSoul
- Oct 2, 2024
- 50
I don't know I was always told to journal before or write or do something at times I did but I never got the point in myself keeping a diary or to actually use my therapy notebook as an actual therapy notebook. I get it's supposed to just put it out there or contextualize or conceptualize it better or try to get out in a digestible form or just to release everything you're feeling and to make yourself feel better and that's why people write music.
How am I supposed to sit there going about my feelings and what happened in my day and be honest then even then I look it's basically empty everything that goes on in my head and in my life absolutely is destroying me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I've been through every type of abuse why me
. I lost most of my life to this point and never even had a chance to actually do anything but survive or I don't know why I have to go through these miserable trials.
I don't want to be strong anymore, I want to CTB and take my life away but noooooo you don't have that option people will tell you everything but as soon as you say but it's still my choice they'll be quick to spew nonsense or sometimes very rarely genuine wisdom and information thats something to actually think about. But a lot of it is guilt tripping like I've even let it happen knowing full damn well and labeling it but letting it happen why because I care a lot and have a lot of empathy. So many people just say the same recycled words and sayings and every single one you can dissect and break each one apart but no one listens or cares about that.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm alone in a world of people even in a crowded room I don't belong or feel like I'm not even truly there anymore. I've been told I have to go through every battle and trial in this life for reasons xyz but someone once said so you won't have to do it again and I guess thst stuck with me. I've been told the world isn't made for people like me but needs me at the same time. I feel everything and been told so many things it's hard to stay completely sane half the time so it just feels like I'm maintaining self awareness while going insane maybe to self aware for my own good.
I once heard I had to look it up this saying by Alan Watts: "A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So, he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusions". What is reality? It's different for everyone? Some people go there whole life without ever growing as people. Some people you meet seem like they have lifetimes worth of experiences. It's all a matter of perspective and I know that then why is it so fucking hard. Why can I know when, where, what, how, why, things happened and still can't change it or fix things and still have a crazy life I know that's CPTSD but everything is just a label in the end of the day I see how to fix the thought processes and even why they are there but I just I don't know why life has never felt like it's for me.
I want to live but I can't live this life maybe I can but I don't even know what that looks like or even if that is possible. Maybe if I run away and go to some random state or country or something and live an adventure at least I can discover something I'm best at surviving that's all I'm wired for so it allows me to live at least. It's better than this feeling my life slip away in front of my eyes wishing I was somewhere else, someone else, during a different time or something I don't even know. I like how much I've grown but there's parts of me that have been destroyed and I can't be who I know I am. I lost my mental health and went and learned and been through therapy, treatments, and on more medications that most people ever really need.
Yet I'm told half my stuff they just don't know like legitimately half my diagnosis are just something exists we are not sure what or if you even do have it. Then the other half just make life almost unbearable to live and manage at the same time and I'm told I might not have anything it's just trauma. So I'm traumatized and that's the cause of my issues great fuck me I guess. Just like stress blacking out having to wear a portable ekg for a couple weeks going through cat scans and tests have a dangerously low blood pressure a heart rate in the 20s so I had to go to ER but I just feel fine and they say I don't know it's just stress. Like thank you I got took here from a treatment facility who monitors vitals everyday into an actual hospital because you know I'm awake and interacting I feel fine while my heartrate is in the low 20s. Even recently I blacked out in the ctu and collapsed I guess I ended up seizing and couldnt breathe for a little bit I don't really remember it felt like less than a minute but the EMTs showed up I just remember someone asking are you okay and me just dropping then wokeup I was being walked outside staring at the clouds and they were making me motion sick. I was super fuckin tired after that. But if its so bad I could die or I get panic attacks or other issues to be told it's weird but its probably just stress and with other things it's just annoying that the complete medical field especially mental health side is just a complete disaster they don't even know half the time what they're doing practicing medicine right. Half the time they try you on this then monitor then this then monitor and then keep switching or they give you a bunch together and hope nothing bad happens. Then there somethings it's straight up sorry we can only deal with some of the symptoms you're basically fucked. But then you can try all the types of therapy. But what about afterwards you can't fully heal a stab wound if you keep the knife in and just keep disinfecting it. Once you do all the treatments they can throw you back into trauma therapy or some random program they just made. After going through it so much everybody barely knows what they're doing and it's very useful for some but where do you go at that point when the places meant to help you tell you they don't know what more they can really do especially after being in the state hospital. I went to all these residentials and psych wards therapy and everything seeing all the different types of approaches and it just it feels like I'm running out though I want to live in some way I can't I can't even describe it more than this maybe I just need to move flip my whole life around I don't know.
What more can I do besides trying to better myself as a person everyday. Still trying to be kind and learn something new and different all the time. Not to be to stuck in my ways but know when to. Learn morals and love from the very inside and out. To only still be here not alone necessarily but alone in thought in idea alone in experience. With the world being so cruel but also beautiful at the same time. Maybe it's best I go away I leave this place and whatever else happens it wouldn't matter either way it feels like. Maybe I just go on a crazy adventure before I die see where everything leads.
While I've been feeling like myself a lot more as of lately. I don't know if I can do it or even close to worth it. I've never been enough throughout my life mostly too myself and I can admit that but even when I do start moving and pushing forward life screws me back to square one. I don't know what to do do I end it all or push towards a future that isn't promised or maybe even possible or worthwhile. Life doesn't feel meant for me sometimes most of the time. I don't know what else to go on about so I'll end my random ass tangent for now thank you if your read this far I hope your night or day goes well.
How am I supposed to sit there going about my feelings and what happened in my day and be honest then even then I look it's basically empty everything that goes on in my head and in my life absolutely is destroying me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I've been through every type of abuse why me
. I lost most of my life to this point and never even had a chance to actually do anything but survive or I don't know why I have to go through these miserable trials.I don't want to be strong anymore, I want to CTB and take my life away but noooooo you don't have that option people will tell you everything but as soon as you say but it's still my choice they'll be quick to spew nonsense or sometimes very rarely genuine wisdom and information thats something to actually think about. But a lot of it is guilt tripping like I've even let it happen knowing full damn well and labeling it but letting it happen why because I care a lot and have a lot of empathy. So many people just say the same recycled words and sayings and every single one you can dissect and break each one apart but no one listens or cares about that.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm alone in a world of people even in a crowded room I don't belong or feel like I'm not even truly there anymore. I've been told I have to go through every battle and trial in this life for reasons xyz but someone once said so you won't have to do it again and I guess thst stuck with me. I've been told the world isn't made for people like me but needs me at the same time. I feel everything and been told so many things it's hard to stay completely sane half the time so it just feels like I'm maintaining self awareness while going insane maybe to self aware for my own good.
I once heard I had to look it up this saying by Alan Watts: "A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So, he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusions". What is reality? It's different for everyone? Some people go there whole life without ever growing as people. Some people you meet seem like they have lifetimes worth of experiences. It's all a matter of perspective and I know that then why is it so fucking hard. Why can I know when, where, what, how, why, things happened and still can't change it or fix things and still have a crazy life I know that's CPTSD but everything is just a label in the end of the day I see how to fix the thought processes and even why they are there but I just I don't know why life has never felt like it's for me.
I want to live but I can't live this life maybe I can but I don't even know what that looks like or even if that is possible. Maybe if I run away and go to some random state or country or something and live an adventure at least I can discover something I'm best at surviving that's all I'm wired for so it allows me to live at least. It's better than this feeling my life slip away in front of my eyes wishing I was somewhere else, someone else, during a different time or something I don't even know. I like how much I've grown but there's parts of me that have been destroyed and I can't be who I know I am. I lost my mental health and went and learned and been through therapy, treatments, and on more medications that most people ever really need.
Yet I'm told half my stuff they just don't know like legitimately half my diagnosis are just something exists we are not sure what or if you even do have it. Then the other half just make life almost unbearable to live and manage at the same time and I'm told I might not have anything it's just trauma. So I'm traumatized and that's the cause of my issues great fuck me I guess. Just like stress blacking out having to wear a portable ekg for a couple weeks going through cat scans and tests have a dangerously low blood pressure a heart rate in the 20s so I had to go to ER but I just feel fine and they say I don't know it's just stress. Like thank you I got took here from a treatment facility who monitors vitals everyday into an actual hospital because you know I'm awake and interacting I feel fine while my heartrate is in the low 20s. Even recently I blacked out in the ctu and collapsed I guess I ended up seizing and couldnt breathe for a little bit I don't really remember it felt like less than a minute but the EMTs showed up I just remember someone asking are you okay and me just dropping then wokeup I was being walked outside staring at the clouds and they were making me motion sick. I was super fuckin tired after that. But if its so bad I could die or I get panic attacks or other issues to be told it's weird but its probably just stress and with other things it's just annoying that the complete medical field especially mental health side is just a complete disaster they don't even know half the time what they're doing practicing medicine right. Half the time they try you on this then monitor then this then monitor and then keep switching or they give you a bunch together and hope nothing bad happens. Then there somethings it's straight up sorry we can only deal with some of the symptoms you're basically fucked. But then you can try all the types of therapy. But what about afterwards you can't fully heal a stab wound if you keep the knife in and just keep disinfecting it. Once you do all the treatments they can throw you back into trauma therapy or some random program they just made. After going through it so much everybody barely knows what they're doing and it's very useful for some but where do you go at that point when the places meant to help you tell you they don't know what more they can really do especially after being in the state hospital. I went to all these residentials and psych wards therapy and everything seeing all the different types of approaches and it just it feels like I'm running out though I want to live in some way I can't I can't even describe it more than this maybe I just need to move flip my whole life around I don't know.
What more can I do besides trying to better myself as a person everyday. Still trying to be kind and learn something new and different all the time. Not to be to stuck in my ways but know when to. Learn morals and love from the very inside and out. To only still be here not alone necessarily but alone in thought in idea alone in experience. With the world being so cruel but also beautiful at the same time. Maybe it's best I go away I leave this place and whatever else happens it wouldn't matter either way it feels like. Maybe I just go on a crazy adventure before I die see where everything leads.
While I've been feeling like myself a lot more as of lately. I don't know if I can do it or even close to worth it. I've never been enough throughout my life mostly too myself and I can admit that but even when I do start moving and pushing forward life screws me back to square one. I don't know what to do do I end it all or push towards a future that isn't promised or maybe even possible or worthwhile. Life doesn't feel meant for me sometimes most of the time. I don't know what else to go on about so I'll end my random ass tangent for now thank you if your read this far I hope your night or day goes well.
