Dead inside

[complex]

I go from heightened turmoil, hurting and hate filled complexity to empty in minutes and moments and every day now. This does not feel like my BPD or ASD. Its like i am constantly low and feel I could not get lower then I do!! Some days i have glimmers of hope then remember i am old and ugly and getting uglier every day. I can't fix my relationship and i cannot fix me and am leaving more and more collateral damage from this behaviour now yet CTB fails me and SI wins.
Am shutting down but can't SHUT DOWN. This pure agony