Daughter Talked About Suicide

[Polly]

She's 12, I would never let my daughter to have relationships is this age, she's a kid. I understand friends, but boyfriend or girlfriend - why? You have 3 daughters but have feelings only to the youngest one? If I had a daughter, and especially 3, I would never CTB. Did you ask her why she wanted to kill herself?

As said so well by @shadowchaser perhaps the best comfort we can offer it to return the focus of this thread to supporting this family as they mobilize their obvious love to decide how best to move forward in support of their daughter.

 

[hershberger]

She's 12, I would never let my daughter to have relationships is this age, she's a kid. I understand friends, but boyfriend or girlfriend - why? You have 3 daughters but have feelings only to the youngest one? If I had a daughter, and especially 3, I would never CTB. Did you ask her why she wanted to kill herself?

To offer a mild defense: our daughter only came out to us in November, and it was a couple weeks after that when she admitted her "friend" was her girlfriend. My wife and I agree that she should not be in a relationship at this age; we limited the time they could text each other (and I monitored their conversation, since she doesn't have a phone and was using mine), we deleted Snapchat off both our phones when we realized they were using it inappropriately, and after the events of last week, our daughter is forbidden to talk her on any form of social media (and we're monitoring that as well). We can't control the fact that they see each other at school - they have two classes together - but if anything else happens, we'll get her moved to a different class.

Brief update: we went to see her doctor today, and he recommended a psychiatrist and therapist. We were already looking into both of those; it's still good to get confirmation and support from him.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner: my wife and I spent the whole weekend either with our daughter or discussing future plans. We are trying to reconcile: not for our daughter, but because we were a good team for a long time and I think we can get that back.

 

[S1mpleme]

To offer a mild defense: our daughter only came out to us in November, and it was a couple weeks after that when she admitted her "friend" was her girlfriend. My wife and I agree that she should not be in a relationship at this age; we limited the time they could text each other (and I monitored their conversation, since she doesn't have a phone and was using mine), we deleted Snapchat off both our phones when we realized they were using it inappropriately, and after the events of last week, our daughter is forbidden to talk her on any form of social media (and we're monitoring that as well). We can't control the fact that they see each other at school - they have two classes together - but if anything else happens, we'll get her moved to a different class.

Brief update: we went to see her doctor today, and he recommended a psychiatrist and therapist. We were already looking into both of those; it's still good to get confirmation and support from him.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner: my wife and I spent the whole weekend either with our daughter or discussing future plans. We are trying to reconcile: not for our daughter, but because we were a good team for a long time and I think we can get that back.

I understand. Are you sure you want to show her psychiatrist? She's too you and it's easy to destroy her health by mistake, especially that they don't care about someone's health, just money. What's the reason actually?

 

[OddOne]

I try to explain them in a simpler way, and I always think about showing empathy instead of sympathy. She has been wanting to stay with me more and more in recent weeks (I'm at my parents' house during the separation), which is just a half mile from our house. The irony is that being around her makes me feel better, and vice versa. We're two depressed people trying to talk things out.

This is very beautiful. Maybe you can get custody or at least spend lots of time with her.

I shed a tear man. Stay strong and love your daughter. Have her know who her father is and that he is great, but he is also human and that he feels.

If you spend very good time with her this could hurt her more if you CTB, but if you raise her well, she will understand the pain you are under and that your choice was about avoiding pain and it doesnt have to do her.

 

[hershberger]

S1mpleme: I have a fantastic psychiatrist. If he won't see her, I would honestly think long and hard about sending her to someone else. I've had bad psychiatrists in the past, and the idea of one throwing medicine at my daughter like darts on a dart board is not a road I want to take.

OddOne: Thank you for the kind words. I see so much of myself in her...I hate that she has inherited some of the same issues I have. She had a bad day today, so I distracted her with our Wii Fit (yes, it still works!), and it took her mind off her problems, at least for a couple hours. Sometimes, that's the best thing you can do for someone.

And to be clear: barring something completely unforeseen, ctb is off the table for me. I have a responsibility to stay here and help. I take that seriously.

 

[OddOne]

OddOne: Thank you for the kind words. I see so much of myself in her...I hate that she has inherited some of the same issues I have. She had a bad day today, so I distracted her with our Wii Fit (yes, it still works!), and it took her mind off her problems, at least for a couple hours. Sometimes, that's the best thing you can do for someone.

And to be clear: barring something completely unforeseen, ctb is off the table for me. I have a responsibility to stay here and help. I take that seriously.

My man!

#PowerFist

 

[90sAesthetics]

I've been around since the internet started, and I've always been a lurker. I never start threads. I'll support people or add comments here and there, but posting a thread is not something I normally do.

Today is different. At 10:30 this morning, we got a call from our daughter's school that she had been overheard by a teacher saying she wanted to kill herself.

A little background: she's the youngest of three daughters, and will be 12 in June. She just came out to my wife and I as lesbian two months ago, and we completely support her for being brave enough to tell us. She started a relationship with another girl at school, but...well, the ex-girlfriend of my daughter's girlfriend is manipulating the situation, and yesterday they broke up. My daughter was devastated. I tried to talk to her (I've seen this coming all week) about self-help, guided meditation, and the things I have done in the past to try and help myself. They obviously haven't worked well for me - I'm posting on a suicide forum right now - but I desperately want her to have the support I didn't have when I was a child.

And yet, here I am. I'm studying ctb, have practically memorized the Stan method, and I'm telling my daughter everything is going to be okay. I can't tell you how much I hate myself for being such a hypocrite, for saying one thing to her while living a completely different life online. My wife and I are separated but trying to reconcile; however, we are completely united in the love we have for our daughter, and we spent most of the day talking about what we wanted to do going forward to support our precious little girl.

My youngest daughter is quite literally the only thing keeping me in this world. I want to ctb. After the events of today, I feel like the worst parent in the world, and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've cried when I've thought about her. When she got off the bus, I just held her while I was sobbing. What kind of parent am I to want to ctb when my daughter needs me? If I go, won't that make things so much worse? How can I do that to her?

I'm so sorry. I have cried through this whole post. I know you all don't have any answers for me. I simply had to tell someone how much I was hurting, and this is the only place I can do that. I am so thankful to the mods, the members, and Jean (so wonderful) for providing this safe space for us. But I am so lost right now. I can't think.

One note: I don't have the materials for the SN method yet, so there's no chance of me doing anything impulsive.

I don't know how anyone responds to that with a "happy hug" emoji. That is just a completely sad situation.

It's also a big catch 22, an impossible situation with impossible choices.

That said - above all, just don't guilt her, don't get mad at her. That does nothing but catalyze her wanting to end it (ctb is just a completely stupid abbreviation imo - "end it" brings a much more needed realism to the whole concept).

We need you both alive first and foremost. I understand it's expensive and somewhat not-ideal to seek help or involve the authorities, but if you feel that's where it's gotta go, then don't hesitate.

If you need a home remedy, a good episode of Mr. Rogers has always helped me and people I know in times of suicidality.

You and your family are in my prayers and best wishes. We are here to help if you need anything. Just dm any of us.

 

[hershberger]

90sAesthetics: I can assure you that my wife and I are devoting all our energies to her. She had a really bad day today, but I didn't judge or yell or anything like that. It's not in my nature, regardless of the situation. She didn't want to talk about it much; eventually, she told me. We discussed what had happened, the actions she took, and what would be the best path going forward. That's my goal every day. If she has a good day, let's have fun. If she has a bad day, then let's try and figure out what went wrong and try to do make things better going forward. She's almost teaching me; it's beautiful.

 

[xBrialesana]

She's almost teaching me; it's beautiful.

You're a kickass dad, dude! Look how hard you're trying for her! I can't imagine struggling with these feelings and having a fully functioning small adult to also deal with.
She's lucky to have such an accepting, warm father and from MY heart I want to thank you for accepting her and treating her as a human as she deserves. And I'm sorry this thread took a few negative turns.
I grew up without parents and the (physical & sexual) abuse was horrible but worst of all it was such a homophobic environment (like dangerously).
Thank you so much for trying to hang on for her; especially during these times, though of course it's not my say whether or when you ctb, and of course not trying to lay ANY form of guilt, but I do hope that things become manageable for you at least for a while so she has somebody through these times (I'm glad to hear her mother relationship is close).

Anyways I am incredibly sick and ramble so I might forget this whole message lol my fever is 104 :( but I hope she's doing okay and have a good night
Your daughter doesn't sound too different than I was at 12, if you want to message me my inbox is open (as well as so many amazing people here)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

What a tough situation to be in all round. From reading your responses I think you are an excellent dad. I really hope you sort things out and get your daughter back on track.

 

[Starrywaters]

Interestingly (if I suppose you look at it this way) a risk factor for somebody experiencing suicidal thoughts and/or attempts is having a family history of those things. It's not surprising in some ways that one of your children might feel this way if you yourself struggle with this (as we all do here).

But, what it does give you is a unique advantage to have insight into her mind, how she's might be feelings. Being a young girl sucks, having your heart broken sucks. It's crappy but there isn't much to do other than wait it out, support her and be there.

Finally, the LGBTQ+ community does have high rates of suicide, it might be worth seeing if there are some inclusive groups or therapies close by to help her navigate her identity. Teenage life is hard, it's harder still when you are in a minority group.

 

[hershberger]

Brianna: thank you so much. First of all, I hope your fever broke: 104 is pretty bad.

I won't present myself as a saint...I was homophobic growing up as a teenager in the 80s. As time passed, however, my opinion changed, and I was already fully in favor of LGBTQ rights well before two of our three daughters came out. There's enough hate in this world; I'm sure as hell not going to contribute to it. I'm glad to see that an openly gay candidate like Pete Buttigieg can run for President and be taken seriously. We're making progress...there's just a long way to go.

Starry: it's weird. We're so much alike, it's like I can see into her mind. Today, she was miserable, and although I'm not a New Age kind of person, it was as if I could feel the waves of sadness coming off of her. I did my best to cheer her up, with little success. But I do understand her in a special way. My wife says she's "all you". I hate that in a way, because my wife is so strong and self-assured...I had always hoped my daughter would take after her. But...she took after me, and it's my job to relate to her.

Again, thanks to everyone who has posted in this thread. It means more to me than I can express in words.