Venting Damned if I live, damned if I die

[ijustwishtodie]

Fuck, for me, it's just a lose lose situation all around. If I were to stay alive, I'm losing since I'm still suffering in pain and I will always be since my pain comes from existence itself and being alive. If I try to die, I'd be going through immense suffering since I'd first have to run away from home and then I'd have to attempt a not so peaceful method, failure of which will lead me to a worse quality of life overall. Either way, I'm losing since I'm suffering tremendously which is something that I'm really scared of. I don't want to suffer, I just don't. I want the absence of suffering. I'm getting immense headaches and chest pains just thinking about this. Why is life so cruel?