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im so sorry. i know exactly how it feels to loose a parent very unexpectedly. sending lots of love and hugs.
If this is the reason for considering ctb please reconsider this- there is still a lot to live for, and you will back with him again in time. Appreciate that you hav e had a father you loved, not everyone gets that- my parents were the worst kind of monsters- they had just unlimited cruelty, so I was never able to have a connection like that with them. Think of all he blessed you with and work on appreciating and cherishing these memories- It seems that he would want you to keep living based on what you have posted.
