Venting Dad died a year ago...

[MidnightCat]

Dad died a year-ish ago. Today was his birthday.

I'm devastated. I did not go to the hospital till it was too late "because he was fine", until he wasn't. He ended up dying while I was holding his hand, the second we where alone in his room.

I worried him many many times. He was always there for me and he was the only one whom I could really speak and explain all the things.

I never visited him often enough. I never was a good son.

In the end I tried to do my best, I'm the only one who helped move his coffin. I couldn't bare the sight of him in there. Somehow I felt like the reaper itself.

Today I should go to the psychiatrist to give me more medication to try. He'd be happy that I'm going and really trying what my doctors give me.

But... It's so cold. Outside and inside my soul. It aches. I have to get up, put on my clothes, grab the motorcycle and drive to the hospital. And I'm not sure if I'm even capable of doing it.

I'm trying, I swear. But I... I'm not sure I can do this.

Sorry, just... Needed to vent a little...

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Psych meds won't solve the issue! Your dad will forgive you and he'll understand it was probably too difficult for you in that particular situation. Parental love goes beyond death. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[alienfreak]

You sound like you were a good son from my perspective, in particular since you say you still sometimes spoke to him and had deep conversations about your life. That likely means you maintained a strong connection to him and he probably loved knowing about your life. I have treated my parent worse since i cant do that. Your reaction shows that you really loved him and i bet it would have shown through.

 

[Lexandro]

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine how that must feel.

As a father myself who rarely sees his son, rarely even get a text, I can tell you that no matter how much I miss him and wish he would visit or call more often, I love his as much now as I always have and nothing he ever does, or doesn't do, will ever change that love I have for him.

I would think your father cherished and loved every minute you spent with him. Fatherly love isn't a conscious choice we make or not, it's became a part of us the first minute we met our child and is eternal.

 

[MidnightCat]

Psych meds won't solve the issue! Your dad will forgive you and he'll understand it was probably too difficult for you in that particular situation. Parental love goes beyond death. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm fully aware meds won't solve the issue, I'm going to a therapist too (they see me every week alternating).

Theory is... Therapist work is only viable if I manage to get emotions and depression under some kind of control first and I'm not off the charts every second of my life.

I don't really like meds, tried 10+ different ones and none of them did nothing other than making me feel worse.. psychiatrist know that but still insist we may find something that, not solves it by any matter, but makes it bearable.

It's a requirement of the hospital service... So without trying meds I won't have access to the therapist and so on..


Thank you for taking the time to answer, I really appreciate that.

You sound like you were a good son from my perspective, in particular since you say you still sometimes spoke to him and had deep conversations about your life. That likely means you maintained a strong connection to him and he probably loved knowing about your life. I have treated my parent worse since i cant do that. Your reaction shows that you really loved him and i bet it would have shown through.

Oh.. I wasn't... I'm sure no father would like to have a highly suicidal son, I also made quite a lot of mistakes and an innumerable amount of things...

But yeah, last 5/6 years before passing away we really had a connection. I never thought he won't even reach 60...

Worst thing... He had a cancer. He was terrified of death, you could see it in his eyes, his voice, his words. Completely terrified. Seems a little unfair he's not here... And I'm the one who keeps on living.

(Cancer had nothing to do in the end, a month prior he was told it was, almost miraculously no traces of cancer in any of the places he had).

Thank you for taking your time to answer this, it really helps..

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine how that must feel.

As a father myself who rarely sees his son, rarely even get a text, I can tell you that no matter how much I miss him and wish he would visit or call more often, I love his as much now as I always have and nothing he ever does, or doesn't do, will ever change that love I have for him.

I would think your father cherished and loved every minute you spent with him. Fatherly love isn't a conscious choice we make or not, it's became a part of us the first minute we met our child and is eternal.

Thank you... He was not even 60, way too young to go.

I rarely seen my dad from 15 to 25 yo since we didn't had a really good relation, but that started to change so his last 6/7 years we changed a lot and I gotta say he's the person that helped me the most even thought I we used to have our problems.

Thank you for showing me the other side of the coin, I'll cherish your words.

 

[BrainShower]

my dad died at 57. 5 years ago. he was also terrified of dying. I loved him more than I love myself.
He is the one that keeps me alive, because I know that he wanted me to live and thrive, even though I cannot.
it's almost a curse. but I won't give up because he was a great dad and I owe it to him to make the best effort that I can.
I'm a pretty fucked up person but I hope my message makes sense. I was also never a good son to him, but he loved me anyway.

 

[MidnightCat]

my dad died at 57. 5 years ago. he was also terrified of dying. I loved him more than I love myself.
He is the one that keeps me alive, because I know that he wanted me to live and thrive, even though I cannot.
it's almost a curse. but I won't give up because he was a great dad and I owe it to him to make the best effort that I can.
I'm a pretty fucked up person but I hope my message makes sense. I was also never a good son to him, but he loved me anyway.

Thank you for your message, it meant a lot to me.

I'm also trying, and I do understand you very well when you say it's almost a curse..

This year's been hell tho... does it really get better?

 

[BJB]

My mum died 3 year ago now, before that the idea of my parents mortality wasent really an issue in my mind. There are so many things I wish I did, said, asked etc. She went down hill very fast and I did not get a chance to say goodbye so from that side I understand but I have come to the Conclusion that the goodbye is for me not her.

I think if the shoe were on the other foot my mum is not going to hold it against me that I Dident wait at the foot of her bed for the whole time. All we can do it try to make the best of our lives and keep their memory alive. I talk about my mum quite openly and for me that help.

I hope my post dosent come across as self centered, I don't know your situation fully so though best to share mine.

 

[MidnightCat]

My mum died 3 year ago now, before that the idea of my parents mortality wasent really an issue in my mind. There are so many things I wish I did, said, asked etc. She went down hill very fast and I did not get a chance to say goodbye so from that side I understand but I have come to the Conclusion that the goodbye is for me not her.

I think if the shoe were on the other foot my mum is not going to hold it against me that I Dident wait at the foot of her bed for the whole time. All we can do it try to make the best of our lives and keep their memory alive. I talk about my mum quite openly and for me that help.

I hope my post dosent come across as self centered, I don't know your situation fully so though best to share mine.

Thank you deeply for your testimony... It helps, sharing your experience is not self centered, it helps me see different sides of the same/similar thing, which makes it "easier" to understand.

I'm sure my father didn't have any problem with me not going, after all we talked on the phone and he usually told me to not go, that he was fine and since he only could have 1 visitor his wife would be made to wait outside so... "No need to worry or to come, I'll be back home soon and we'll see eachother at Christmas".

But still... Can't make the guilt go away... Although thanks to you is easier to "rationalize" that It wasn't THAT bad.

I can't quite speak with anyone about my father. My mother (divorced) usually becomes really busy the second I try to vent/open it similar things. My wife would listen to me, but thanks to BPD I'm terrified she'll be gone if I show vulnerability or something along those lines.


I mainly can only speak about him with his brothers, which I don't have much relationship nor we talk a lot... And they do suffer too when taking about him...


Thank you again

 

[BJB]

Your very welcome. Makes me happy if I can't help just a little.

My mum had a similar attitude, don't worry be home soon etc... Putting myself in that position (being dead...) I want to be remembered of course but not to the point of causing distress, thought about that alot.....

And if nothing else I good cry is good for me.... I find showing emotions dificult especially to cry but sometimes when I'm alone in the car etc I'll put on a song my mum liked or really start thinking about her, shit I'll cry like a baby and it feels better letting it out.

 

[MidnightCat]

Your very welcome. Makes me happy if I can't help just a little.

My mum had a similar attitude, don't worry be home soon etc... Putting myself in that position (being dead...) I want to be remembered of course but not to the point of causing distress, thought about that alot.....

And if nothing else I good cry is good for me.... I find showing emotions dificult especially to cry but sometimes when I'm alone in the car etc I'll put on a song my mum liked or really start thinking about her, shit I'll cry like a baby and it feels better letting it out.

Dad used to really like driving.

When I'm saturated I start to drive without a destination, specially at night it's quite relaxing for me. I do sometimes start to cry remembering him.

I might take the car for a spin tonight...

Thank you for your kind words