Just paid for the self-directed cremation. Yesterday, I viewed and really analyzed different hotel rooms and it's booked and paid for. It was more emotional than I expected. Partially due to SI rearing up, again, but also that I'm going to be leaving a dead body with these people. They were very nice and I feel guilty and ashamed but there's not a thing I can do about it. No other place available. I'll put a sign up on the bedroom door (it's a suite) to not enter, etc. But still feeling sad. Sad that no one will even know I'm missing. I wish I didn't have to be alone when I'm ctb in a couple of weeks. Just have to keep reminding myself that I won't have to live with this nor the brain tumor or type 1 diabetes much longer. I'm in no way doubting my decision to ctb. Would love some compassion. Thanks.
You've got all of my compassion. I'm doing much of what you're doing. I had an appointment last week with an attorney to have my will drafted. We discussed holding off on that for a couple weeks while I get a pre-planned cremation set-up and paid for, which makes sense, so it can be mentioned in my will. So, I started making calls last week, found the cheapest option, and just got the paperwork today in the mail. Now, I just have to set-up an appointment with the crematory (yes, bypassing the funeral homes as it's cheaper). I'm, most likely, just going to ctb at home. I don't have anyone to find me, either, so I'm going to send a letter to the local police department the day I ctb explaining what I have done and where they can find me. The way I figure it is if I mail the letter late on a Saturday and ctb that Saturday evening, the police should get the letter on Tuesday, which should be more than enough time, way more, to make sure I'm actually dead, by the time they get here, assuming they take it seriously. I think they have to take it seriously, though. It's sad we have to do it this way. You, in a public place, so you get found and me, by having to write and tell someone to look for my body. I don't like having to go out alone, either, but it's the way I've been having to live my life, so I guess it's all par for the course. Certainly not anything that is going to dissuade me.
I'm so sorry about your conditions and having to make this most difficult decision. May your journey be easy and peace be yours.
