Discussion CTB - "ruined" for anyone else?

[kinborough]

Hello everyone

Not really sure where to start. When I was 19 I tried ctb but was able to be resuscitated. Method being an unspecified amount of medication - would not choose this again.

Anyway, I have not tried since then, now being 28, though I have thought a lot about how I will go. Last year my dad was successful. No note, no explanation, just here one day and gone the next. It was the most devastating event of my life and I will never be the same. I feel mixed emotions.

Not able to stop thinking about trying again.
It was supposed to be me, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces. If I knew I would eventually be on the opposite end of this situation, I would have found a more lethal solution back then. But now I feel stuck. No plan. Just wishing I would have gone first because now if I go, I will be repeating a cycle of pain without end and surely hated for following in his footsteps. But I guess if I'm dead it doesn't matter how my mom feels about me.

Had anyone else here dealt with this? How has it affected your own plans, if at all?

 

[senti-mental]

our stories are similar. i failed once and was stopped last month by police. was my way out of continuing to have to deal with grief from my fathers death and other recent deaths and bad things. lost another friend the end of last month, and am continuing the cycle as soon as i have what i need for my attempt. i have the privilege of my mom not remembering me due to dementia but i feel awful for how i will be hurting my freinds and sisters, and will be continuing the cycle like you said. i dont see an alternative for me, though. recovery has not worked, and hurt people hurt people. and im becoming a bad person because im just so, so tired.

 

[passer-by]

recovery has not worked, and hurt people hurt people. and im becoming a bad person because im just so, so tired.

I know this feeling too well.