Please I need desperately to CTB. It's a long story. In short: I have pssd, a poorly understood syndrome caused by often irreversible brain changes caused by SSRIs. Despite its name, PSSD includes severe emotional and cognitive changes. if you want to know more, search how it takes away people's emotions, ability to be human, to have feelings. It is extreme. But no one cares, cause why criticize big pharma, right? Before taking the SSRI, I was doing great. Ivy League university with some mild anxiety. Now, because of the SSRI, I feel zero emotion. Zero. I mean zero. I know this is hard to understand. I feel no empathy, love, compassion, anxiety, fear, stress response, sadness, joy. Nothing. It is a never ending state of chemical calm imposed on me against my will. I am not even taking the medication anymore. Because these medications can in susceptible people the changes are epigenetic and often permanent. In addition to this severe emotional blunting it has wrecked my cognition. No one understands because, why would they? This is the worst possible thing because I'm not human, like I feel nothing for anyone. Any situation. Against my will. It's not me choosing this. My brain has been wrecked. Human life is all about emotion. Feeling fear anxiety love sadness hope joy etc. I do not experience a single emotion. Which makes it impossible to live. It's like being dead while alive. A walking zombie. My body is numb my brain is numb. I am ready to CTB because I do not plan on spending decades waiting for my brain to "heal itself," or trying all sorts of experimental drugs, which is what people with PSSD end up doing only to find that the changes do not go away, they are permanent. Alienating everyone around me, so they forget what I was like before all this. I know that here I won't be judged for saying, this is the right decision for me. And this is not impulsive either.
None of my CTB options seem very good though
I live with my parents who are suspicious and watch me like a hawk. And because of this condition, I feel zero love for my parents. Not by my choice. It's like they can be sobbing, suffering, and my brain and body remain chemically calm. Yeah, I ain't living like this. It's a special kind of hell when you can't even feel upset about the fact that you can't feel upset. I never thought something this inhuman could happen to someone. Be careful with SSRIs, kids. They are powerful mind altering drugs and no one really fully understands how they work. You think they just give you more serotonin, happy chemical? Think again. They have all sorts of impacts on all sorts of other neurotransmitters, brain structures, receptors, even genes. So many downstream impacts. Things get desensitized and modified and do not go back to the way they were. I don't experience guilt, grief, fear, fight or flight, adrenaline. I can't feel my own heartbeat. All of my senses are numb. Anyway because of me saying I have no emotions, and since I'm basically unable to do much because of the severe cognitive dulling, it sounds like mental illness to my parents. So parents are on high alert. My current thoughts were …
1. Hanging. A jump rope? A belt? A scarf? I can't just go buy things like a rope because I can't drive or leave the house on my own. So it has to be things found around the house. I could maybe do it in my closet? Idk … I'm concerned about making noise from thrashing / agonal breathing and parents waking up and rescuing me. But young teenagers hang themselves in their rooms all the time?? If it was that loud that wouldn't be possible?? I don't understand how people seem to CTB by hanging so easily like scarf from doorknob? Like doesn't that mean it's not that hard? Idk if I should do it in a park near my house on the swingset? From the garage door opener in our garage so parents can't hear? I'm desperate
2. I live near the Palisades interstate park. I could sneak out in the middle of the night. I can't drive. The park is technically closed … to get to an inconspicuous entrance I might have to walk for 3 hours. Then I would need to find a place on the cliffs with a clean drop to the bottom cuz people get saved if they land on a ledge or crevice or tree. But in the night I would need a flashlight right and what if I get caught? And what if I accidentally fall on the cliff edge while I'm scoping out a spot that's a clean drop to the bottom? People have landed on ledges and crevices and been saved :( and I feel like I have to get it right because if it seems too risky and I try to return home what if parents are looking for me? What if they've already sent police to look for me? I feel like I only have one shot at this. Maybe I should Uber?
3. I was thinking Uber to a parking garage I have one in mind 8 stories that seemed simpler than cliffs maybe? But then I can't tell if you need to have a parking pass to unlock pedestrian entrance at night? And then my biggest impediment and something that is extremely confusing to me. So many people young old etc do it off parking garages. They can't all be fit. But how do people get over the barrier?? Even if the garage doesn't have an anti suicide fencing aren't standard barriers like 42 inches? If you're short like 5 foot 1 how? Is it just my bad luck because I'm short and I have extremely extremely weak wrists. From years of tendon carpal tunnel etc type stuff. I can't do a downward dog for example. So how do I get over the wall??? Can I just lean over the edge and jump and that'll tip me over? Without having to use my wrists? I'm so confused cuz haven't older people done it off parking garages and maybe they have weak wrists too? Or am I anomalous :(
Please help. Please. Please. Please. I can't go on like this. Every day, in this living death. I have had everything taken from me. My potential. My future. I've been chemically lobotomized. I don't even feel sad about it because I can't feel sadness. I can't feel distress over what I've lost. It's sick and messed up. I can't just think myself out of a complete alteration of my brain. I can't resensitize my receptors, unwind epigenetic changes, restore my brain networks through sheer willpower and positive thinking. This would be mercy for it is truly inhuman to be forced to exist like this. I'm sorry I'm having a lot of trouble thinking clearly right now. This severe blunting and apathy means that I don't experience any stress response amygdala adrenaline even in life threatening situations - and I mean literally, in a life threatening situation I feel completely chemically calm. No body or brain response. Nada. So that should make it easier? But on the flip side this complete apathy and total blunting makes it difficult to plan, analyze, and like have that drive to actually make this suicide happen? If that makes sense? Like I wouldn't have the response needed to react if I was going to get caught, react in real time. I'm not being fueled by pain agony sadness depression I'm not doing this to make the pain go away or because I feel crippling sadness anxiety depression so it's a weird experience and I feel like that makes it so I'm kind of like I know this is what I need to do but I'm also so apathetic about the whole thing which makes it difficult because you need to be sharp and focused and on it to do this right. And fueled and driven by pain and intensity. The oppressive chemical calm is a huge roadblock for this planning process not to mention the cognitive impairments. I can write and sound "together" and then immediately forget like I can't retain information or trains of thought. So it feels like constantly just starting fresh over and over and over again because nothing sticks because without emotion, all information is the same and the brain doesn't encode it. Anyway sorry for rambling but please I am begging for help on this. I cannot fail. Failure is not an option. Because if I fail I will be forced even MORE of the drugs that wrecked my brain, become even more of an emotionless, cognition-less vegetable but with the cruel twist that no one BELIEVES that the drugs did something to me. Because it just sounds like well just look on the bright side try harder and it's like I. Can't? Like my brain cannot generate those emotions. Neurochemically. This is my shot at mercy, at being able to leave while those around me remember who I was before the drug did this to me. If I fail, I'll never be able to CTB again and I'll be … I don't even know? People don't know what to do with someone who has no emotions? And this odd idiosyncratic severe cognitive issues? Because medicine doesn't have a "fix" for it. People with PSSD end up just losing everything and everyone and they can't even do anything they're just bedridden and they can't live … I will not let that happen to me! PLEASE HELP SASU!
None of my CTB options seem very good though
I live with my parents who are suspicious and watch me like a hawk. And because of this condition, I feel zero love for my parents. Not by my choice. It's like they can be sobbing, suffering, and my brain and body remain chemically calm. Yeah, I ain't living like this. It's a special kind of hell when you can't even feel upset about the fact that you can't feel upset. I never thought something this inhuman could happen to someone. Be careful with SSRIs, kids. They are powerful mind altering drugs and no one really fully understands how they work. You think they just give you more serotonin, happy chemical? Think again. They have all sorts of impacts on all sorts of other neurotransmitters, brain structures, receptors, even genes. So many downstream impacts. Things get desensitized and modified and do not go back to the way they were. I don't experience guilt, grief, fear, fight or flight, adrenaline. I can't feel my own heartbeat. All of my senses are numb. Anyway because of me saying I have no emotions, and since I'm basically unable to do much because of the severe cognitive dulling, it sounds like mental illness to my parents. So parents are on high alert. My current thoughts were …
1. Hanging. A jump rope? A belt? A scarf? I can't just go buy things like a rope because I can't drive or leave the house on my own. So it has to be things found around the house. I could maybe do it in my closet? Idk … I'm concerned about making noise from thrashing / agonal breathing and parents waking up and rescuing me. But young teenagers hang themselves in their rooms all the time?? If it was that loud that wouldn't be possible?? I don't understand how people seem to CTB by hanging so easily like scarf from doorknob? Like doesn't that mean it's not that hard? Idk if I should do it in a park near my house on the swingset? From the garage door opener in our garage so parents can't hear? I'm desperate
2. I live near the Palisades interstate park. I could sneak out in the middle of the night. I can't drive. The park is technically closed … to get to an inconspicuous entrance I might have to walk for 3 hours. Then I would need to find a place on the cliffs with a clean drop to the bottom cuz people get saved if they land on a ledge or crevice or tree. But in the night I would need a flashlight right and what if I get caught? And what if I accidentally fall on the cliff edge while I'm scoping out a spot that's a clean drop to the bottom? People have landed on ledges and crevices and been saved :( and I feel like I have to get it right because if it seems too risky and I try to return home what if parents are looking for me? What if they've already sent police to look for me? I feel like I only have one shot at this. Maybe I should Uber?
3. I was thinking Uber to a parking garage I have one in mind 8 stories that seemed simpler than cliffs maybe? But then I can't tell if you need to have a parking pass to unlock pedestrian entrance at night? And then my biggest impediment and something that is extremely confusing to me. So many people young old etc do it off parking garages. They can't all be fit. But how do people get over the barrier?? Even if the garage doesn't have an anti suicide fencing aren't standard barriers like 42 inches? If you're short like 5 foot 1 how? Is it just my bad luck because I'm short and I have extremely extremely weak wrists. From years of tendon carpal tunnel etc type stuff. I can't do a downward dog for example. So how do I get over the wall??? Can I just lean over the edge and jump and that'll tip me over? Without having to use my wrists? I'm so confused cuz haven't older people done it off parking garages and maybe they have weak wrists too? Or am I anomalous :(
Please help. Please. Please. Please. I can't go on like this. Every day, in this living death. I have had everything taken from me. My potential. My future. I've been chemically lobotomized. I don't even feel sad about it because I can't feel sadness. I can't feel distress over what I've lost. It's sick and messed up. I can't just think myself out of a complete alteration of my brain. I can't resensitize my receptors, unwind epigenetic changes, restore my brain networks through sheer willpower and positive thinking. This would be mercy for it is truly inhuman to be forced to exist like this. I'm sorry I'm having a lot of trouble thinking clearly right now. This severe blunting and apathy means that I don't experience any stress response amygdala adrenaline even in life threatening situations - and I mean literally, in a life threatening situation I feel completely chemically calm. No body or brain response. Nada. So that should make it easier? But on the flip side this complete apathy and total blunting makes it difficult to plan, analyze, and like have that drive to actually make this suicide happen? If that makes sense? Like I wouldn't have the response needed to react if I was going to get caught, react in real time. I'm not being fueled by pain agony sadness depression I'm not doing this to make the pain go away or because I feel crippling sadness anxiety depression so it's a weird experience and I feel like that makes it so I'm kind of like I know this is what I need to do but I'm also so apathetic about the whole thing which makes it difficult because you need to be sharp and focused and on it to do this right. And fueled and driven by pain and intensity. The oppressive chemical calm is a huge roadblock for this planning process not to mention the cognitive impairments. I can write and sound "together" and then immediately forget like I can't retain information or trains of thought. So it feels like constantly just starting fresh over and over and over again because nothing sticks because without emotion, all information is the same and the brain doesn't encode it. Anyway sorry for rambling but please I am begging for help on this. I cannot fail. Failure is not an option. Because if I fail I will be forced even MORE of the drugs that wrecked my brain, become even more of an emotionless, cognition-less vegetable but with the cruel twist that no one BELIEVES that the drugs did something to me. Because it just sounds like well just look on the bright side try harder and it's like I. Can't? Like my brain cannot generate those emotions. Neurochemically. This is my shot at mercy, at being able to leave while those around me remember who I was before the drug did this to me. If I fail, I'll never be able to CTB again and I'll be … I don't even know? People don't know what to do with someone who has no emotions? And this odd idiosyncratic severe cognitive issues? Because medicine doesn't have a "fix" for it. People with PSSD end up just losing everything and everyone and they can't even do anything they're just bedridden and they can't live … I will not let that happen to me! PLEASE HELP SASU!
