Discussion CTB Goals

[nomoredolor]

I am trying really hard to stay alive until mid February but I'm struggling. Some things I want to try to focus on before then:
- give away ~75% of my belongings
- pack up as much of the remaining items as I can
- write some more notes as it strongly backfired on me to send I love you/ appreciate you messages to my friends and family in my last attempt (I send these on a regular basis so I didn't think I was sus but I wasn't expecting them to talk to each other. Rookie mistake)
- make more paintings so my loved ones have more to remember me by
- find a way to deal and cope with the guilt of hurting my loved ones. Especially now that my sister is pregnant
- keep up with exercise, hygiene and basic self care
- I don't know if it's worth organizing medical debt and such probably will skip it
- try not to spiral in emotional & physical pain and loneliness bc i know the end is coming
- get a memorial tattoo for someone I lost by suicide and another to remember my best friend by

All my love to all of you
Anna

 

[Ozzyno]

Why did you end up with this decision?

Edit: lmao your username is funny

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in your plans.

 

[nomoredolor]

Why did you end up with this decision?

Edit: lmao your username is funny

I've wanted to die for the past 20 years due to a series of trauma, loss, heartbreak, suffering and being too sensitive for this world (autism.) Yet I'm high masking so no one understands.

Everyday I experience severe physical and mental pain. I live in poverty because I'm disabled in the good ol USA meaning I'm losing my benefits and can't afford the healthcare I need. I am scared to live here as a queer woman. I figured out a plan and found someone to share my life with, I had hope for the first time in years. We were supposed to live together then die together. They took their life this last week. I will always love them. My attempt failed and now my loved ones are angry and sad. More guilt for me to work through.

I've stayed for so long and suffered for my loved ones. Because I truly don't want to displace my pain onto them. But It's my time to go. I don't have a place in this world, I can't afford to live here. Why struggle for a life that I don't even want? I want to put myself first for once in my life and put myself out of my misery.

Thank you for asking
Anna