I feel the same way. That is exactly what I see ctb as being, as I am freeing myself from all the suffering and I will finally be at rest. To die as soon as possible would be the best thing for myself. If I stay alive there is the chance of things getting so much worse and death would take away all of my problems.
I deserve to be at peace, and I believe that we do not deserve the suffering that this life gives us. Life is extremely cruel and unfair and it is sad how so many people endure lives filled with pain. I hope that you find what you are looking for. I wish you the best.