Well i am not ending my life over missing sum one well sort of . Its just the icing on top of my shitty cake of life. And no matter how much i try to forget her i just cant . She was the most beautiful woman I ever seen it was not just on the out side it was what was inside her to. She was the most loving and caring woman i ever met. Onely thing was she had a BF all ready but was ok with that we were just very good friends and i could not bin more happy with that . She know i love her though but she understood and was ok with it can still fell her hugs to this day :[ . When she hug me the world seem to stop and all my worrys and stress just melted away. But the asshole that i am i ended up pushing her away and i lost her i did worst thing ever i hurt her emotionally buy saying sum stupid shit . Now i am on my own ones more all ways the same with me any thing good comes into my i mess it up. Seem to have a way of doing it its like i dont want any thing good in my life. Hate living but still trying to work out my end :(
Ouch, that really hurts a lot. When I was a teenager I had a similar experience with someone I really liked (mostly due to hormones but no deeper connection) and then everything went to shit. I was naive back then, immature and stupid, didn't help I was socially stupid and had Aspergers. Anyways, before I went to college, I stopped having feelings for anyone and soon after I've started college, I've embraced nihilism, and later antinatalism, increased interest in topics of death, suicide, and philosophy. Mind you it wasn't just over someone, but the summation of all the shit in my life. The only things that mattered to me in life now are just pursuing my hobbies (video games and playing piano), experiencing some good vices (food, physical affection, and a few other fleeting things), securing my exit (I have my method; but I'd like to have a long term exit -- if I do live past my 30's or even 40's, or if catastrophe strikes such as illness, accidents, disasters, etc.), and maybe help fight against the bullshit society's misunderstanding of mental illness and suicide, as well as push for right to die.
It was not untill i lost here i realise she was my sole mate . All my life i felt they was apart of me missing i try fill it with drugs alcohol and sad to say prostitutes.
I'd like to at least get a prostitute or escort and experience 'sex' and romantic kissing (at least the physical aspect of it) before I ctb. I think it is something to experience before one ctb's, it is one of the mysteries in my life that I have yet to demystify. This is something that I'm working and researching on, making sure I know what I am expecting to get, not get scammed, and of course, affordable. I'm simply not into relationships and also given the climate of this day and age, it's too easy to get falsely accused of sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, and other horrible acts, so that is one part of me that is afraid of approaching women in public.
It's part of the reason why, but I lost my childhood best friend many years ago. He was stabbed to death while working. Another big reason is that my mother had to have a late term abortion with my older brother. I've always wanted a brother, and knowing that I have an older brother out there is a big motivator to do it, even though I don't know anything about him. Being re-united with these two people would make me very happy.
Ouch, that really hurts, I'm sorry for your losses. I had quite a few losses in my life as well, two of my university professors (many years ago) passed away, one from an accident and one from natural causes. Both of them are very nice and down to Earth type of people, passionate about their subjects. Then over two years ago, one of my friends who was into music and stuff passed away in his parent's place, the cause of death unknown.
