derpyderpins
Normie Life Mogs
- Sep 19, 2023
- 1,693
It's been some time since I've legitimately considered ending it rather than just having fantasies and ideation. I think that time is coming.
I've given it a fair shot. Tried several different jobs, the meds, got a relationship to the finish line. . . it's not enough for someone as broken and useless as me.
I was up working until 5 AM. Now back at the office at 10:30 and I'll stay until 6:30. The thing is, what I was working on shouldn't have taken so much time, but even though I had billed about 20 hours on the project before last night, I'd probably actually done 2-3 hours of work, so I had to make up for it. I can't stay focused and maintain drive. I've shown it time and time again, and the world doesn't slow down or accomodate me.
I seriously don't think a single person understands the mental block I have and get. It's always okay for a few months but then I lose interest as the reality sets in that "succeeding" means doing the same repetitive bullshit for 50 years. What's the motivation? I'm just pushing myself to my limit to barely survive.
I've tried and tried. The balance of good to bad is just so lopsided. I've said it was worth it for my love, but I'm so tired I can't enjoy the time away from work. And that will always happen. There's no break, no rest, no relief on the horizon.
So, yeah, time to start more seriously considering it. If for no other reason as an act of defiance, telling this life 'you can't fire me, I quit!'
I've given it a fair shot. Tried several different jobs, the meds, got a relationship to the finish line. . . it's not enough for someone as broken and useless as me.
I was up working until 5 AM. Now back at the office at 10:30 and I'll stay until 6:30. The thing is, what I was working on shouldn't have taken so much time, but even though I had billed about 20 hours on the project before last night, I'd probably actually done 2-3 hours of work, so I had to make up for it. I can't stay focused and maintain drive. I've shown it time and time again, and the world doesn't slow down or accomodate me.
I seriously don't think a single person understands the mental block I have and get. It's always okay for a few months but then I lose interest as the reality sets in that "succeeding" means doing the same repetitive bullshit for 50 years. What's the motivation? I'm just pushing myself to my limit to barely survive.
I've tried and tried. The balance of good to bad is just so lopsided. I've said it was worth it for my love, but I'm so tired I can't enjoy the time away from work. And that will always happen. There's no break, no rest, no relief on the horizon.
So, yeah, time to start more seriously considering it. If for no other reason as an act of defiance, telling this life 'you can't fire me, I quit!'