Venting CTB alone or with my bf?

[Dainhla]

Hii,

I'm in my last year of baccalaureate and as I stupidly thought that it was a good idea to join the IB program, I made my parents spend a lot of money for studies that now I'm obligated to finish. I didn't know (or better I lied to myself that I didn't know) that I was unable to have a successful future, just only with my effort and perseverance.

The thing I planned to CTB after my graduation, or better the same day, because I didn't want to let anyone down before that. Then, during this summer I discovered what love feels, I met my bf and now he's the only one that knows abt my suicidality. He has told me that he also wanted to CTB, but his plans are more long term. He don't want to continue living after his 26, so basically he has about 8 years more to live his life at its maximum.

My plans changed, but I still feel very suicidal, I even planned CTBing to the end of september, but finally didn't do it because he tried to make me feel better. He don't want me to die without trying to live my life at its maximum, but I'm tired and the only thing I can think about its the enormous amount of money that my parents will have to spend in their useless daughter just to don't see her accomplish all of her supposedly "dreams". University is so much money wasted in someone that won't be here after one or two years after finishing it.

Yesterday, I asked him about CTBing the two of us during the next summer, so before entering my university, but he want to give himself more years until finally feeling that he don't have anything more to live for. A classmate during a conversation told me to not quit my dreams just for someone or for "love". My dreams are supposedly to go to England and be a teacher of spanish literature, to then enter an architecture university, but maybe my dreams are only CTBing. I told my bf that this reflection made me think that maybe I shouldn't wait for him, that maybe I should CTB alone.

He looked me in the eye with a sorrowful look and asked: What do you want? What do you really want?

And I didn't know the answer. Now I'm confused, I don't know if spending so much time and money during the next 8 years will be what I really want or directly cut all this shit before starting university.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

To be clear you are 18 right? I'm sure you know that's very young. It's not clear from your post what is causing you to feel suicidal. Can you share a little more about that? Whay makes you conclude at such a young age that you are destined to fail in in university/life.?

 

[Dainhla]

To be clear you are 18 right? I'm sure you know that's very young. It's not clear from your post what is causing you to feel suicidal. Can you share a little more about that? Whay makes you conclude at such a young age that you are destined to fail in in university/life.?

Yeah I'm currently 18 and the reason of feeling suicidal... I'mean is hard to explain. In my past there were so many factors that lead me to not wanting to grow never, because I've been trying to do my best, to achieve all the expectations that everybody had of me and my future, and (I know it can sound lazy and pathetic) but I'm really tired of pretending to be happy, pretending of enjoying life, pretending that I have a purpose for which I live for.

I started with suicidal thoughts since 10, I guess. Idk, I don't remember much. Maybe because of all the bad things happening at home. Family problems, hate, alcoholism, lies, physical and verbal violence...

And after trying to hide my suicidal inclination behind a mature and responsible personality that I created in order to try to keep going on, I realised that what I had been doing was feeding those feelings of emptiness, of hopelessness...

After my first attempt in 4º of secondary school, I tried to continue my life believing blindly that with effort everything in my head and my entourage would become better.

Starting my first year of baccalaureate, all my problems from 4th secondary were back, but I just kept going on, hoping a better future for me.

But, when the second term of that year started, even though everything was okey, I was so awfully overwhelmed by something I can't describe. There was no problem, I was supposed to feel happy finally, but I started feeling so much suicidal, so much hopeless, that I couldn't do anything. I'd never felt so numb and sensitive at the same time. So empty... That emptiness was almost something I could feel physically. I tried SHing by that time to release all that shit in some way and it really helped me to lie to my family that I was okey. I did so many plans for those 4 or 5 months, I abused a lot of alcohol also, I started to isolate even more from my classmates.

And then I just started little by little better. I managed to feel happy from time to time again, to smile again, and then during summer I met my bf. He already knows everything. I'm feeling always like a waste of money, space and time. Like something unworthy of even exist. I don't believe that I ever had a purpose in life. I'm just so much of a disappointment. I really wish I had died in my first attempt.
Now, I don't want to become older, to don't accomplish any of the big expectatives that everyone has about me. I just can't do it anymore.

You know? I'm really tired of just being a burden for everyone.

If that's not a good explanation about why I feel suicidal all the time, I'm sorry, I can't put that into words. I think that maybe checking my older posts or interactions can help.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

You deserve to continue to exist regardless of what anyone thinks of you.

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is ready to be a partner for a long time.

What if you just took the plunge and went on to university to follow your dreams?

 

[nozomu]

My dreams are supposedly to go to England and be a teacher of spanish literature, to then enter an architecture university

Do these things first, reach as high as you can, then revisit your plans. You may find the way you are looking for.

I don't think the boyfriend is someone good to be with, honestly.

 

[Dainhla]

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is ready to be a partner for a long time.

I don't know what you mean. Could you explain it to me, pls?

I don't think the boyfriend is someone good to be with, honestly.

What has made you assume that? Could you also tell me your point of view?

I have recently talked to him about my indecision about continuing my life or ending all before university starts, and he told me that he really wanted to help me. He want to explore his future and opportunities to help me enjoy life again, by making me understand that I am worth of enjoying life.

At first, I thought that he was like me, suicidal but in a more long term way. But, each time I try to mention his "future death" or mine he sounds like he don't really want it. That lead me to think that maybe I can be a bad influence for him, 'cause I know he has successfully overcome with all his problems and now he's focus on achieving his goals in life rather than stinking in the bad things. Whereas, I don't feel like I have any specific goal to achieve and all I do is feel bad about myself and think about dying.


I'm grateful for your comments, maybe I should wait a little more. Maybe things get better. Maybe I should get professional help, like my bf has recommended to me. Idk, I guess that just waiting a little more can't be so difficult, no?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't know what you mean. Could you explain it to me, pls?


What has made you assume that? Could you also tell me your point of view?

I have recently talked to him about my indecision about continuing my life or ending all before university starts, and he told me that he really wanted to help me. He want to explore his future and opportunities to help me enjoy life again, by making me understand that I am worth of enjoying life.

At first, I thought that he was like me, suicidal but in a more long term way. But, each time I try to mention his "future death" or mine he sounds like he don't really want it. That lead me to think that maybe I can be a bad influence for him, 'cause I know he has successfully overcome with all his problems and now he's focus on achieving his goals in life rather than stinking in the bad things. Whereas, I don't feel like I have any specific goal to achieve and all I do is feel bad about myself and think about dying.


I'm grateful for your comments, maybe I should wait a little more. Maybe things get better. Maybe I should get professional help, like my bf has recommended to me. Idk, I guess that just waiting a little more can't be so difficult, no?

I mean he is not ready to CTB from what you said he said. So if you really wanted to CTB with him, you'd have to wait several years so you might as well try to follow your dreams until then.

Sometimes you discover what you really want over along the way.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Hii,

I'm in my last year of baccalaureate and as I stupidly thought that it was a good idea to join the IB program, I made my parents spend a lot of money for studies that now I'm obligated to finish. I didn't know (or better I lied to myself that I didn't know) that I was unable to have a successful future, just only with my effort and perseverance.

The thing I planned to CTB after my graduation, or better the same day, because I didn't want to let anyone down before that. Then, during this summer I discovered what love feels, I met my bf and now he's the only one that knows abt my suicidality. He has told me that he also wanted to CTB, but his plans are more long term. He don't want to continue living after his 26, so basically he has about 8 years more to live his life at its maximum.

My plans changed, but I still feel very suicidal, I even planned CTBing to the end of september, but finally didn't do it because he tried to make me feel better. He don't want me to die without trying to live my life at its maximum, but I'm tired and the only thing I can think about its the enormous amount of money that my parents will have to spend in their useless daughter just to don't see her accomplish all of her supposedly "dreams". University is so much money wasted in someone that won't be here after one or two years after finishing it.

Yesterday, I asked him about CTBing the two of us during the next summer, so before entering my university, but he want to give himself more years until finally feeling that he don't have anything more to live for. A classmate during a conversation told me to not quit my dreams just for someone or for "love". My dreams are supposedly to go to England and be a teacher of spanish literature, to then enter an architecture university, but maybe my dreams are only CTBing. I told my bf that this reflection made me think that maybe I shouldn't wait for him, that maybe I should CTB alone.

He looked me in the eye with a sorrowful look and asked: What do you want? What do you really want?

And I didn't know the answer. Now I'm confused, I don't know if spending so much time and money during the next 8 years will be what I really want or directly cut all this shit before starting university.

I think you're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to decide what you truly want.

You seem to have narrowed it down to maybe three options but there are many.

Take some time.

 

[sash]

Until you are sure you are ready to ctb why dont you live your life as much as you want. You will either continue living or you will one day realise you wont.
It is unfair of him to ask you because its clear you dont know. He shouldnt push you to answer. How can you make a decision when you dont know. He doesnt feel as you do, he is not thinking of ctb, for him its a choice and unless his life is in the gutter at 26 I highly doubt he will ctb, just a romantic idea for him. 8 years time, think about that. I understand ppl w kids wait til they're adults but.
He doesnt 'feel' suicidal, he says he will in 8 years. You have read posts of ppl desperate to go, with the kit, and still cant.
Will he?

 

[figurehead]

Academic worries and being suicidal are not a good pair. When I was 18 I (and everybody else) thought I wouldn't make it. Somehow I did and ended up with a PhD. I'm not a profiler, no no. People think I achieved a lot, but it's all source of anguish to me. Those were years of complete madness and pain. If it's your last year you may as well try to finish it. There's a big hole after finishing though. I'd use this time to try things out and see if there's sth there for you. If in the end it is indeed suicide, I know you'll do your best too.