Venting Craving for LIFE

[e!kent]

I'm filled with confusion. I feel like walking in the dark, with the constant fear of what is coming, the awareness that everything can change and I have no controrl over it. I constantly have mood swings.
Usually, what makes me stop thinking about suicide is little things that might happen in the future. For example: learn how to play an electric guitar, buy a specific jacket, go to a rave party, dye my hair white (too scared of people's judgment).
But I can't do any of those things. My mind stops me. It makes me realize that it's not worth it, that even if I do those things nothing will change, my life will still be something that is not worth living. Everything seems soo hard to achieve.

 

[orvreader]

If you already have an electric guitar, you can learn it right now, you know? Pick your favorite song and learn just its chords; unless your favorite song is by Polyphia, songs with guitar accompaniment is most often beginner friendly. Starting something is the hardest part, being consistent is easy in comparison, especially if it's all you have.

 

[helplesship]

this hits. i feel it too. emptiness and uncertainty make my head spiral. when my mind's blank i just replay dumb negative shit. can't just sit doing nothing, gotta stay busy even if it's trash. busy-ness wipes the weird noise outta my head. as long as it makes me look better or feel useful, fine. the void and doing nothing push me to question my place here. i don't want that, so i scrape together the will to try again tomorrow. maybe it helps, maybe not, but at least it pulls me away from wondering "can i get through this year again?" still, after doing something kinda useful, the loop comes back, "what's the point if it ends up the same? better to have done nothing. you're pathetic, always wanting stuff. you won't achieve shit, you can't do anything right, in the end you'll just be a burden", and it just keeps looping. dumb stuck-between-yes-and-no dilemma​

 

[e!kent]

If you already have an electric guitar, you can learn it right now, you know? Pick your favorite song and learn just its chords; unless your favorite song is by Polyphia, songs with guitar accompaniment is most often beginner friendly. Starting something is the hardest part, being consistent is easy in comparison, especially if it's all you have.

Sadly, I don't have an electric guitar yet. I'm torn between two emotional states, in contrast to each other: the first one provokes an impulse towards buying the electric guitar, it makes me feel calm and hopeful for the future, it makes me want to live. The second one destroys every illusion and hope, it deprives me of all vital strength. Nothing in life seems worthy.

 

[orvreader]

Sadly, I don't have an electric guitar yet. I'm torn between two emotional states, in contrast to each other: the first one provokes an impulse towards buying the electric guitar, it makes me feel calm and hopeful for the future, it makes me want to live. The second one destroys every illusion and hope, it deprives me of all vital strength. Nothing in life seems worthy.

It's not really one or the other per se; if nothing means anything, you might as well absurdistly play the guitar before CTB. I think you should at least buy an electric guitar, it's just giving both sides a fair chance, right? It's not like once you bought an electric guitar you're going to regain all hope in humanity, barre chords are too depression-inducing for such thing to happen lololol.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I almost made a similar thread. I just watched CBS Sunday Morning and they went through all the celebrities who died in the last year. It made me want so badly to be good.

I am so envious. Ordinary people I know seem miles above me in their ability to work, love, form families and friendships. How much more the beautiful people! I want to participate in life, I just can't.

It all goes back to shame. I acted too weird too often as I was growing up. Now I have this persistent horror before myself. Everything is nipped in the bud. I don't put myself forward, and when I do it's even weirder and more shameful than last time.

Today might be the day I hang myself. I'll try to work myself up to it.