Venting Craving a lover while being passively suicidal is hell...

[cylus46]

I really want it. That companionship, that "magic", that someone you can just physically hold and be held by. That someone that you can feel their warmth, be heard by them, that feeling of just being wanted...fuck just having someone to care and tell you everything is gonna be OK because they are there.

To be loved and love UNCONDITIONALLY I want it so badly but everytime I opportunity presents itself I remember...I'm the most miserable and insane person they will EVER meet. I have had so many women this past year and a half flirt and give me signs and I wanted to engage with them...to give it a shot so badly. So why didn't I? Simple because I know what I am, I'm a psycho, I flip from one feeling to another, my mind never shuts the fuck up, one moment I'm happy and feel like I'm on top of the world the next I'm speaking to myself in a corner attacking myself. I have thoughts that would put me in a mental hospital if heard. I have no desires for the future, I want to die but I'm too much of a coward. I can go on and on and on but bottom line is IM INSANE.

So why? Why would I do that to someone. I been on the receiving end of a bad partner and it destroyed me...how could I be that someone to someone else? I can't. its better that I ignore them and continues to isolate myself. Wanting love while being so mentally ill is horrible and I will never wish this feeling upon anyone. Ever.

 

[Phosphorous 4]

My thoughts exactly bud. I've been single four 4 or 5 years now. I don't ever plan on changing it. Sometimes I do cave and end up flirting with someone or getting a number, but I know better than to let anything get serious. And I consider kissing or even the smallest things to be serious at this point. I get the little tiny rush of speaking to someone that way and then I shut that shit down until I gotta do something again lol. Not the best way to live but I think it's actually an extremely mature way to see the situation. Sometimes shit just is what it is.

 

[cylus46]

My thoughts exactly bud. I've been single four 4 or 5 years now. I don't ever plan on changing it. Sometimes I do cave and end up flirting with someone or getting a number, but I know better than to let anything get serious. And I consider kissing or even the smallest things to be serious at this point. I get the little tiny rush of speaking to someone that way and then I shut that shit down until I gotta do something again lol. Not the best way to live but I think it's actually an extremely mature way to see the situation. Sometimes shit just is what it is.

Yeah...i rather be lonely and know i didn't hurt anyone with my BS then get temporary happiness at someone else expense :)

 

[sadalways]

I feel you, my situation is a bit different though, i've always wanted love, just pure love and to be with that special someone, there's nothing else that i want from life and i know i will feel like this even as i take my last breath, but i'm so anxious, to the point i can't even make convos in real life, let alone the fact that i've become unattractive. Been single since forever, and when i did find someone ages ago they left me after like a week which crushed me. So i find it pointless to even try, i doubt anybody would like someone like me in that way, i can't even imagine it. I do have a small tiny amount of hope that i will find someone but it's a stupid hope in my dumb brain because i can't even begin to start working towards it. it truly is hell

 

[oneeyed]

In the same boat except women don't ever flirt with me lol. I've always had to do more of the pursuing when I'm a complete introvert. Based on my last gf, they'll just take your greatest weakness and use it against you for their entertainment. I miss the intimacy, but can't bring myself to actually want to go through the work given how it ended last time.

 

[cylus46]

In the same boat except women don't ever flirt with me lol. I've always had to do more of the pursuing when I'm a complete introvert. Based on my last gf, they'll just take your greatest weakness and use it against you for their entertainment. I miss the intimacy, but can't bring myself to actually want to go through the work given how it ended last time.

Yeah i totally get that. I dated my ex for 9 months and I was obsessed, gave her everything, my time, money, effort, and by the end? I was borderline anorexic and severely depressed (I became 96lbs at 5'11 as a 18 year old male) and even her friends told me to break up with her because of how badly she treated me...

 

[divinemistress36]

I understand it would be nice to be loved unconditionally. But its not realistic sadly.

 

[cylus46]

I understand it would be nice to be loved unconditionally. But its not realistic sadly.

Yeah I learned that from my ex. Loved her with no strings attached, I didn't even expect or receive the bare minimum from her and yet I stayed. I loved her and treated her like a queen no matter how she treated me and then just for her to break up with my in the end. I guess that's what happens when you love the wrong person unconditionally...but it's sadly just how I love.

 

[divinemistress36]

Yeah I learned that from my ex. Loved her with no strings attached, I didn't even expect or receive the bare minimum from her and yet I stayed. I loved her and treated her like a queen no matter how she treated me and then just for her to break up with my in the end. I guess that's what happens when you love the wrong person unconditionally...but it's sadly just how I love.

Sadly one always love someone more than the other its never equal