Cowardness strikes me again

[DanielDanDean]

As for every time in my life I'm experiencing fear.

As much as I fear my future with my "girlfriend" whom I can't leave because she said she'll CTB and name me as the responsible of all her hardships and/or stalk me if I do so.
As much as I fear having to disappear and start my life from zero
As much as I hate life, I hate having back pains, headaches, no money left at the end of the month etc.
As much as I don't see any outcome in my situation

I couldn't try to CTB today
Had everything I needed to CTB and couldn't do it.

Maybe is it because she didn't insult me in the last 48 hours, maybe is it because I was scared of being "saved",
I was scared of failing and didn't do it.

I'm done with myself.

 

[cosmicsoleil]

You're not a coward. I don't think people realise how hard it is to CTB. There have been times when I could've CTB and died, but I found I couldn't do it.

You're not a coward, it's just really fucking hard sometimes. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, too :(

 

[DanielDanDean]

Shit's hard
I have a solution but I can't be able to do it

 

[Gangrel]

I know it's hard to leave an abusive relationship but you should try anyway even if she does try to make your life hell. At least you won't give her the satisfaction of having you. It's worth it.

 

[SVEN]

Survival instinct is a hard one.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Your girlfriend is abusing you. Those words are to keep you there, not because she will do it - she is manipulating you to stay with her.

You would feel so much better being out of that situation

There is help out there, I promise. Talk to someone you trust and can be safe with, and try to find a way to get some help safely

I've just got out of an abusive relationship, and it's really fucking hard, but I felt a lot worse in it. I'm in a women's safe place (although desperate to go back home to my place, and suffering desperately, but it is way better than being with him, I was 10x worse).

You don't need to kill yourself to find a way out, there are ways. Do some secret research, whenever you can and talk to people you trust and professionals

You can email, phone and I believe text professional services now, so it's safer, like if email is safer for you, you could set up a secret email address when you go 'to the toilet' if she let's you do that alone, or something when you have that short window - to start getting help.

You can get out of this, it can get better. You deserve so much better than this.

She won't ever stop you know, she will get worse, and it always gets worse each time you go back. She will never change, she got you so she won't. The good times you ever had? Even in the beginning or whenever? Fake. She knew what she was doing, it is merely to maintain control. She is highly manipulative.

These abusers are masters at manupulating everyone, and the outside world doesn't see it. The constant knocking you down is to purposely to knock your self esteem. Again, to keep you. Every little thing is to keep control of you, and ensure you won't leave. You leave = she's lost her power, and she won't like that. So be VERY careful how you plan it, seek professional advice.

I know how much you're hurting, I really do, but once you're out of that and got the help you deserve, your life will improve.

You're not alone in this. Domestic violence is common. Women and men go through this on a daily basis. I promise you it is more common than you think, there are so many of us out there, some unfortunately not, because their ex partner/partner murdered them.

Please get help. For your own sake. You are worth it. You won't believe it right now, but with time and healing you will. There are places you can go and specialists you can speak with. This isn't the end, don't let her win.

You owe it to yourself to get help. Act normal and think to yourself, 'I deserve better than this', and smile internally. Do not let her fucking win.

I really hope you get out of this soon. I wish you the best x

 

[DanielDanDean]

I'm responsible for the state of this relationship : I lied about my past knowing she hated lies.
There was one red flag at the beginning : every thing I said which she didn't agree to caused arguments, and I lied about some things just because I didn't want to tell her everything and some things because I knew there would be arguments
She made allusions to CTB when I told things like "I can't stay with a person if she [xxx]" and I stayed, and adapted myself
She has friends, I don't have any now and her friends know her since a long time and seem to enable her attitude

My family likes her and because I was a troubled teen thinks I'm the problem
Because she too lived through big trauma (bigger than mine, but we're not here to make a trauma contest) I'm supposed to make everything to appease her it seems

She know how to contact my ex and I don't know what she would do with that but I find it weird

I can't use my phone to contact anyone she doesn't approve of because she'll randomly check my phone searching for stuff.
I don't want her to get in any trouble I just want her to let me go.
I will move out because I don't like the city in which I am anymore : I had dreams and was certain about where my life would go and then everything burst in 2020, now life seems to go downhill.
If I have time I'll be able to choose another position in my organization