Couldn't drink SN

[spiritus]

I got a hotel room, prepared the SN, left a note for my family. But I couldn't drink it. I was ready to go, but at that moment, I couldn't think of anything other than the pain I would bring to my family. I felt so selfish. Now I have no faith left that I can neither die nor live. I don't know what to do.

 

[remcycler]

Maybe it's not your time, and that's okay, there's no need to rush, plan something in the near future to look forward to and see how things go for you. Don't stress it <3

 

[Gonnerr]

Im so sorry for you that you couldn't escape this world. Maybe its not your time yet.

This is so hard to escape, i would already be gone if it was easy.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

first of all, to even go that far is really courageous and it takes a lot to get to that moment of summoning every bit of focus to do it. It's OK, please don't find fault in yourself when it's a difficult position for just about anyone to be in and if you still choose to do so, you can always try again another day. The pain you thought this action will bring upon those you love is a reason some would not ctb so it's rather normal to feel that way.

 

[Aim]

 

[underscore_nine]

I got a hotel room, prepared the SN, left a note for my family. But I couldn't drink it. I was ready to go, but at that moment, I couldn't think of anything other than the pain I would bring to my family. I felt so selfish. Now I have no faith left that I can neither die nor live. I don't know what to do.

You have absolutely no obligation to die, if you believe it would be too costly to die then that's okay, everyone has a time and don't let anyone tell you you're weak for backing down.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry your SI disturbed but maybe it's not your time yet. Don't be too hard to yourself it's ok to stop an attempt at any time. I wish you all the best!

 

[Hotsackage]

I.know this feeling all to well. Which is why I haven't even played around with any method

 

[oddetoad]

when i was working today i was passing by the hospital rooms of elders ..

i stopped and looked for a second at the old people alone in their rooms and i just felt a hard knot in my stomach..

and i thought that this is what im gonna think about when i go .

Can you imagine ? Being all alone in those hospital beds with nobody to come and visit ? For years?

This thought is whats going to kill all SI i ever had.

 

[dreamingofrest]

I'm really sorry things are so difficult for you right now. It's all really complicated, balancing our feelings with other people's. There's no easy answer that would be the best for everyone.
As other people here have said, it's okay if it's not your time today, although I get that may not feel comforting.
Whatever lies ahead for you, I hope you find some semblance of peace.

 

[Aim]

when i was working today i was passing by the hospital rooms of elders ..

i stopped and looked for a second at the old people alone in their rooms and i just felt a hard knot in my stomach..

and i thought that this is what im gonna think about when i go .

Can you imagine ? Being all alone in those hospital beds with nobody to come and visit ? For years?

This thought is whats going to kill all SI i ever had.

I can totally relate to this And it's just so heartbreaking. Seeing all of these old people alone and maybe very sick. No friends and fam left.

 

[new2blue]

The method is there, it is not going anywhere. Maybe that can bring some comfort. It is a difficult thing, the tug of war between our own needs and the needs of our loved ones. Perhaps it is not your time, there is no shame in backing out. At the moment, the love of your family is stronger than the suffering you feel. Ride the waves as long as you can. See where it may lead you. I recently read, "a prison with a key becomes a home". You have the key. Maybe the key will give you enough comfort to hold on, maybe it wont. You will know this yourself.

 

[CheekyPhobia]

You can always try again later. Perhaps there are things your mind wants you to sort out before you depart. Best wishes.

 

[spiritus]

"a prison with a key becomes a home"

Backing out felt like I lost the key.

 

[abouttosuicide]

I understand you. Maybe as someone else mentioned, it just wasn't your time yet.

 

[Meditation guide]

when i was working today i was passing by the hospital rooms of elders ..

i stopped and looked for a second at the old people alone in their rooms and i just felt a hard knot in my stomach..

and i thought that this is what im gonna think about when i go .

Can you imagine ? Being all alone in those hospital beds with nobody to come and visit ? For years?

This thought is whats going to kill all SI i ever had.

You are absolutely right, this is the thing to think about to overcome SI and
it's not only being alone in a hospital bed,
it's PAIN
It's SUFFERING
It's being HELPLESS
It's being UNABLE TO WALK
and there is NO WAY OUT, NO WAY TO AVOID THE DOCTORS, THE TESTS THE SADISTIC NURSES

I had a kidney stone stuck in my ureter. I screamed around the clock for four agonizing days from pain. I will be thinking about that. I will do anything I have to do to avoid that again.

 

[Old Friend]

Ugh, kidney stones. One of my worst fears.

 

[IWishToDie]

Guess your life just isn't that bad yet. Consider yourself lucky OP. You probably don't have a crippling physical condition like I do, but I'll tell you what - if I didn't have this condition, I've spent enough time alone and meditative to know that all my other problems are fixable or able to be moved on from. I don't know your problems but really, try sitting in silence and staring at a candle. Get lost in the moment and let your mind clear itself. You will get the hang of things eventually. Best wishes.