Resource Coping with a lack of affection

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm not posting this in recovery due to the fact that I don't believe this can be recovered from. Coping with this has been crucial in getting me to slowly but surely come closer to more lethal and less painful ways of exiting; while at the same time not settling for sub-par methods due to immediate suffering.

I've been struggling with not having a girlfriend for five years, it's been my (more or less) only reason to exit for this entire duration. There has not been a single second during the past five years where I would not have accepted an instant death. Most of this time I have not been able to deal with the lack of affection at all, the emotional pain made me unable to successfully study or work. It was extra bad when I was taking strong ADs on max dosage (escitalopram and bupropion); I was literally going berserk at times, I made death-threats, I started to believe some strange and harmful things, I also performed a shitty attempt (knife to non-lethal targets). This is how much this hurts me personally, I know it's probably not as big of a deal to most people (good). I was always cool-headed and calm before taking these pills, never aggressive or anything (just a word of caution).

Anyway, now that my meds are almost completely out of my system (took a good fucking while) I have been able to develop some good coping strategies. Thought I'd list mine and see which strategies other lonely users have come up with. It's fine if this is treated as a "recovery" thread (or even moved), but it's intended as a suicide resource. These will be typed from my perspective (heterosexual "male man") but are probably applicable to all genders, sexes and preferences, with some modifications.

1. To know if you want someone as your girlfriend you have to get to know them, you might even have to live together to find out for sure. This makes it impossible to desire anyone that you haven't spent a lot of time with (instant victory).

2. If no woman wants to date you when you are unemployed and living in your mother's basement, then the only reason they're open to dating you when you are in a different position socially/materially is just that. Nothing to do with your personality, looks or "chemistry"--those are fabrications made after the fact. Do you want to date someone that only wants you because you have a job, car and apartment? I personally don't, that's just prostitution with more steps (or at the very least inhumane submission to the DNA).

3. Lifting, waking up the same time every day, eating well, killing time.

4. Listening to women with the opposite problem. I've read women's posts about their problems in dating and have drawn the conclusion that as long as they are going for superficial reasons when selecting who to date it's better to avoid them. I am not saying that all women do this, but I am saying that the women I've encountered on online dating do, I don't meet any women IRL. Even if things seem good in the short-term it can't blossom into a beautiful and nourishing relationship on such a foundation. Same as when guys choose a woman because she has nice curves or a pretty face, that shit won't last more than a year (well, some people are immune to everything I write here due to just not thinking about it, or anything else for that matter).

5. Reading painful writings of women. Start reading how women talk about men they have crushes on, if you can hold back the intense pain and read how they express themselves you'll find much to be wanted. It's basically a slightly more advanced "Bro, that ass, man!".

6. Have something waiting for you when you go 100% sigma/omega (no, I don't take these terms seriously, it's a meme). For me the moment I realized I wanted nothing to do with women anymore I instantly felt the urge to go lift weights and also to get myself ready to die. For you that could be gaming, work, buying 0.000001 Bitcoins (sigma male grindset), whatever.

7. Look at funny memes:

 

[Meditation guide]

"If no woman wants to date you when you are unemployed and living in your mother's basement, then the only reason they're open to dating you when you are in a different position socially/materially is just that."

If a man wants to date you who is unemployed does he want to have the girl pay for everything they do together? Is his reason for dating her to have free meals, vacations and entertainment? You could turn your logic around that way.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

"If no woman wants to date you when you are unemployed and living in your mother's basement, then the only reason they're open to dating you when you are in a different position socially/materially is just that."

If a man wants to date you who is unemployed does he want to have the girl pay for everything they do together? Is his reason for dating her to have free meals, vacations and entertainment? You could turn your logic around that way.

How does this help lonely people cope? Please focus, this thread is for everyone that is lonely (not just men like me).

 

[Pluto]

One of the things that I learned is that trying to have a particular person play every role (activity partner, lover, family substitute, best friend, therapist!) is a bad idea. Firstly it means that one rejection is the end of the world. Secondly, it can mean excessive expectations rather than accepting others as they are. Thirdly, the other person will be compromised on all levels unless they are immensely multi-talented.

A good community of people should be a basic foundation in life. Even when I was growing up in the '80s, it was a thing. Neighbours who helped each other, extended family who remained close. Once that was gone, the world became a very cold place. The dating game is itself very cold, even though in theory it is a solution when deep loneliness is the near-universal problem.

Modern dating is based on a pyramid hierarchy whereby a minority of women and men with money/status/looks are sought after by the majority of participants, with many low-status people having their desperation monetised by the dating apps. If these people do not have some other purpose in life, they could be in big trouble.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

One of the things that I learned is that trying to have a particular person play every role (activity partner, lover, family substitute, best friend, therapist!) is a bad idea. Firstly it means that one rejection is the end of the world. Secondly, it can mean excessive expectations rather than accepting others as they are. Thirdly, the other person will be compromised on all levels unless they are immensely multi-talented.

Good point, but I think all of those roles can easily be performed by someone that genuinely cares about you. Friends, lovers and even therapists are really just there to care about the other person. The other stuff flows naturally downstream (unless they have certain impairments). I don't agree that this would make rejections the end of the world, since you can't get rejected by someone that cares about you to the required extent.

A good community of people should be a basic foundation in life. Even when I was growing up in the '80s, it was a thing. Neighbours who helped each other, extended family who remained close. Once that was gone, the world became a very cold place. The dating game is itself very cold, even though in theory it is a solution when deep loneliness is the near-universal problem.

Modern dating is based on a pyramid hierarchy whereby a minority of women and men with money/status/looks are sought after by the majority of participants, with many low-status people having their desperation monetised by the dating apps. If these people do not have some other purpose in life, they could be in big trouble.

Great insight, thanks.

 

[RainAndSadness]

I'm pansexual (which is basically bisexual but fancy), that means I date pretty much everyone who is an adult regardless of gender. Yet I'm still suffering from severe loneliness and I didn't receive much affection or intimacy in my life. I think a lot of this has to do with me being trans and the social anxiety, which makes interactions with humans difficult on a fundamental level. And fact is, nobody wants to date trans people. Here is a study that proves this:

New Research Shows a Vast Majority of Cis People Won't Date Trans People

A recent study attempts to quantify the extent of trans discrimination when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships.

www.them.us

So if you're trans, you're pretty much fucked when it comes to dating. It literally kills your dating experience and that's why most trans people date within the trans community. It's the only way to avoid loneliness for many of us.
Lack of affection and love isn't the worst thing ever but I've also been depraved of love from my parents during my entire childhood (this probably caused my BPD), which is most likely the reason why it's so difficult to manage today. I didn't get to feel any kind of love or affection basically my entire life. And it's difficult to go through all that existential pain and suffering alone. I would still be suicidal, even in a relationship, but it would be a lot easier to endure the struggle with someone else by your side, for sure... if you had someone close that would support and assist you in the dark moments. Instead, I'm lonely all the time, 24/7. No friends either. Combine this with the hatred you experience as a trans person on a daily base, it slowly eats you up from inside. It makes you a bitter person. You don't really feel appreciated by anyone if all you receive all day is loathing and exclusion.

We shouldn't turn this into a men vs women thing because I know plenty of people regardless of gender that are lonely. And if you're a woman who is heterosexual, you mostly gain the attraction of horny dudes that simply see you as fuckmeat. I've made this experience first hand on countless of dating apps. Like, it's all about sex for some men and it's really bothering me. I really understand the struggle from the perspective of cis-women.

 

[one.way.out]

My main way of coping with loneliness is just distracting yourself and not thinking about it. So I probably shouldn't have clicked on this post cause I'll probably be crying in 20-30 minutes. But I digress. It's not a problem if you don't think about it.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I listen to emo/ hardcore and wallow in regret and hopelessness.

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

It's not a problem if you don't think about it.

You don't solve problems by ignoring them.

 

[one.way.out]

View attachment 73589

You don't solve problems by ignoring them.

Hey, it works temporarily.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

We shouldn't turn this into a men vs women thing because I know plenty of people regardless of gender that are lonely. And if you're a woman who is heterosexual, you mostly gain the attraction of horny dudes that simply see you as fuckmeat. I've made this experience first hand on countless of dating apps. Like, it's all about sex for some men and it's really bothering me. I really understand the struggle from the perspective of cis-women.

This is exactly one of my goals with this thread, to make it open to everyone that's lonely for whatever reason. My strategies are of course custom-made for me so it's great that you and hopefully more women/trans/pan can lay out what works or doesn't work for them.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I've experienced this kind of neglect also, I've been ghosted irl as soon as the girl found out I didn't work or study, although I could support myself financially with disability benefits / unemployment benefits, had my own place etc. Your social status seems to be a really big factor especially for women. I'm not saying all women are like that though.

And I kind of understand that it's hard to plan a future with someone like me. But even though I'm disabled I'm still a human being like all the others. Then I turn my thinking to the thought that I'm unlovable and the loathing circle is ready.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

No man's loved me my whole life up until recently. And it was okay. I didn't love them back, cuz I had goals and dreams and ambitions, and I was busy with studying. Serious relationships weren't for me. Just flings. That was then. Now I'm just existing. Cuz dreams were crushed (my work) and any goals became impossible to achieve.
I guess I just didn't deserve being loved. I still think so.
It's believed that people who are unable to find themselves a partner focus on different things. They build a career, travel, keep themselves busy with different hobbies. This pandemic is probably not helping either…..
That's being said, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm glad you're off the meds. You didn't seem to benefit from them.
I wish you the best

 

[death137]

I never had a girlfriend. It's hard but you know being unattractive doesn't only affect your romantic life but life in general and this is why I'm suicidal. I never had much hope about finding love to begin with but lately I've totally given up hope. Yes there is that less than 1% chance but that is like winning a big lottery and it's better to not have hope on this. I know about lookism for some years but this year I found out about the blackpill and it made me understand about the importance of looks better. Now I don't blame women or ppl in general for not wanting me. Nature is brutal and I've accepted it but I don't have the desire to deal with this unfairness for long. I want to ctb and hopefully I get the courage soon. But until then I will continue to try to cope by isolating myself at home.

 

[stygal]

I'm sorry y'all feel that way - I wish I could share my indifference when it comes to relationships of any kind with each one of you and maybe you would be less suicidal (sadly I still am).

Here have a hug y'all (I'm much more emotional because of my hormones atm lmao)

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Yeah I feel your pain (as you might guess from a certain thread that alas has been deleted before I could read all the responses).

Brutal times.

 

[Lmd]

Meeting people is my way to cope. All the relationships in which I know a person in depth have cheating problems, talk shit about their partners like there's nothing good on them or they just admit that the relationship don't fill them but it's an easy option or better than being single. It's really uncomfortable when someone says things like "a relationship is a prison because you can't do what you want" or "I can't tell this to my partner" then why tf you decided to spend most of your time with that person? I don't understand it and I don't trust people because of this.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

five years? almost 23 years strong now (entire life) B)

and yes this is yet another reason i dont want to be here anymore. not only am i a pain ridden failure, but i also cant get any affection BECAUSE im a pain ridden failure. life is so nice and accommodating! i love it!!!

 

[Werewolf.]

I listen to emo/ hardcore and wallow in regret and hopelessness.

So do I! What songs/bands do you listen to?

 

[OnlyTheWind]

So do I! What songs/bands do you listen to?

There's a lot! Mainly from the 90's and 2000's - Taking Back Sunday, Adept, Armor For Sleep, A Coastline Ending, Escape The Fate, Brand New, Funeral For A Friend, Old Gray, Hawthorne Heights, Padfoot, Strictly Ballroom, John Henry West, The Farewell Note, Tiny Moving Parts, Toru Okada, I Hate Myself, The Crush, Boys Night Out, Embassy, Penfold, Motionless In White, Policy of 3, Texas Is The Reason, John Brown Battery, Houseboy, Leftover Crack, Choking Victim, Free Throw, At The Drive-In, As Night Falls, Burned Out Bright, The Pine, The Beautiful Mistake, Ever Since Radio, Kind Of Like Spitting, Pilot To Gunner, Posthole, Still Life, The Birds Are Spies And They Report To The Trees, From First To Last, Brave Bird, Life at These Speeds, and many more..

Many of these cross over with punk, post-hardcode, pop punk etc, and some are very obscure, but Youtube and Discogs is great for finding this stuff. :)

 

[Werewolf.]

There's a lot! Mainly from the 90's and 2000's - Taking Back Sunday, Adept, Armor For Sleep, A Coastline Ending, Escape The Fate, Brand New, Funeral For A Friend, Old Gray, Hawthorne Heights, Padfoot, Strictly Ballroom, John Henry West, The Farewell Note, Tiny Moving Parts, Toru Okada, I Hate Myself, The Crush, Boys Night Out, Embassy, Penfold, Motionless In White, Policy of 3, Texas Is The Reason, John Brown Battery, Houseboy, Leftover Crack, Choking Victim, Free Throw, At The Drive-In, As Night Falls, Burned Out Bright, The Pine, The Beautiful Mistake, Ever Since Radio, Kind Of Like Spitting, Pilot To Gunner, Posthole, Still Life, The Birds Are Spies And They Report To The Trees, From First To Last, Brave Bird, Life at These Speeds, and many more..

Many of these cross over with punk, post-hardcode, pop punk etc, and some are very obscure, but Youtube and Discogs is great for finding this stuff. :)

I bolded all the bands I listen to. Italicized all the bands I know but haven't really listened to or maybe just once or twice or so. Escape the Fate was my introduction to post-hardcore, Dying Is Your Latest Fashion is my first post-hardcore album but the first post-hardcore song I listened to was A Skylit Drive's Drown the City. I was heavily in a pop punk phase during high school haha. I'm kind of surprised you mentioned Penfold and Texas is the Reason but no bands like Mineral, American Football, etc. Do you have a last.fm account by any chance?

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I bolded all the bands I listen to. Italicized all the bands I know but haven't really listened to or maybe just once or twice or so. Escape the Fate was my introduction to post-hardcore, Dying Is Your Latest Fashion is my first post-hardcore album but the first post-hardcore song I listened to was A Skylit Drive's Drown the City. I was heavily in a pop punk phase during high school haha. I'm kind of surprised you mentioned Penfold and Texas is the Reason but no bands like Mineral, American Football, etc. Do you have a last.fm account by any chance?

Same, in highschool I was listening too most of the bolded stuff, as well as lighter stuff like Fall Out Boy. I do know Mineral and American Football. Those guys were one of my earliest introductions to earlier emo, along with bands like Elliott, Sunny Day Real Estate, Pop Unknown, etc. Just listed stuff off the top of my head. I don't have a last.fm account at this time, but I do use the site for reference.

 

[Werewolf.]

Same, in highschool I was listening too most of the bolded stuff, as well as lighter stuff like Fall Out Boy. I do know Mineral and American Football. Those guys were one of my earliest introductions to earlier emo, along with bands like Elliott, Sunny Day Real Estate, Pop Unknown, etc. Just listed stuff off the top of my head. I don't have a last.fm account at this time, but I do use the site for reference.

Yeah, I like all the bands you listed too haha. What about Jimmy Eat World's first album? Well, if you ever decide to create a last.fm account then let me know so I can follow you on there.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Yeah, I like all the bands you listed too haha. What about Jimmy Eat World's first album? Well, if you ever decide to create a last.fm account then let me know so I can follow you on there.

That's a good one too. Anderson Mesa was the first song I heard from it - very fitting for suicidal thoughts. I try to keep my accounts to a minimum, but I'll DM you if I do :)

 

[Deleted member 8975]

So this thread is a meme? You had me until about halfway through.

 

[treestumpbootsneo]

I'm pansexual (which is basically bisexual but fancy), that means I date pretty much everyone who is an adult regardless of gender. Yet I'm still suffering from severe loneliness and I didn't receive much affection or intimacy in my life. I think a lot of this has to do with me being trans and the social anxiety, which makes interactions with humans difficult on a fundamental level. And fact is, nobody wants to date trans people. Here is a study that proves this:

New Research Shows a Vast Majority of Cis People Won't Date Trans People

A recent study attempts to quantify the extent of trans discrimination when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships.

www.them.us

So if you're trans, you're pretty much fucked when it comes to dating. It literally kills your dating experience and that's why most trans people date within the trans community. It's the only way to avoid loneliness for many of us.
Lack of affection and love isn't the worst thing ever but I've also been depraved of love from my parents during my entire childhood (this probably caused my BPD), which is most likely the reason why it's so difficult to manage today. I didn't get to feel any kind of love or affection basically my entire life. And it's difficult to go through all that existential pain and suffering alone. I would still be suicidal, even in a relationship, but it would be a lot easier to endure the struggle with someone else by your side, for sure... if you had someone close that would support and assist you in the dark moments. Instead, I'm lonely all the time, 24/7. No friends either. Combine this with the hatred you experience as a trans person on a daily base, it slowly eats you up from inside. It makes you a bitter person. You don't really feel appreciated by anyone if all you receive all day is loathing and exclusion.

We shouldn't turn this into a men vs women thing because I know plenty of people regardless of gender that are lonely. And if you're a woman who is heterosexual, you mostly gain the attraction of horny dudes that simply see you as fuckmeat. I've made this experience first hand on countless of dating apps. Like, it's all about sex for some men and it's really bothering me. I really understand the struggle from the perspective of cis-women.

I'm sorry to hear this. I would date trans people if I wasn't married. I hope things improve for you, everyone deserves basic human rights no matter what their gender identity

 

[Meditation guide]

Most men just want sex. That's a superficial reason they make contact with me.

Should I have a simmering anger and resentment toward all men and announce I will be avoiding them all?

There is nothing wrong with simply deciding not to date. You don't need to make excuses and scapegoat women.

It's easy to have respect for you when you've been honest about the whole thing. You repeatedly bring up this subject of women being the problem. Stop scapegoating and start just being direct, to yourself. Then when I respond to something in your post about women, you claim it's all about finding a way to not be lonely. It's got to be exhausting navigating all the twists and turns you have to go through mentally.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

There is nothing wrong with simply deciding not to date. You don't need to make excuses and scapegoat women.

It's easy to have respect for you when you've been honest about the whole thing. You repeatedly bring up this subject of women being the problem. Stop scapegoating and start just being direct, to yourself. Then when I respond to something in your post about women, you claim it's all about finding a way to not be lonely. It's got to be exhausting navigating all the twists and turns you have to go through mentally.

Yeah, you're right. I am trying to stop using negative coping mechanisms.

 

[fatiguecentral]

Hey, I don't have any advice to give but I'm sorry that you feel lonely and isolated. Although for different reasons, I feel the same way.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Hey, I don't have any advice to give but I'm sorry that you feel lonely and isolated. Although for different reasons, I feel the same way.

Thanks, recently I've been "spending time with myself" by conjuring up that inner voice. Helps a lot, actually. The coping strategies that are more akin to mental gymnastics are less powerful than various forms of mental (or otherwise) actions.