Venting Continuing living while (passively) suicidal and guilt

[PeterRabbit28064212]

I may have posted smth like this a year ago or so but I've been suicidal for the large majority of my life but most ppl don't know. I used to attempt when I was younger (all non methods but I didn't understand how it worked back then) and now just kinda live thru the motions. I'm in college now and one of the main things that gets to me is just how much of other ppls resources I'm wasting. I don't have a major so I'm wasting my families savings on my tuition, I'm wasting any other resources others could be using any time I try to better my life bc I know I'm not actually going any where with mine. I don't rlly have anything that lights me up the way my friends do and all the topics I care abt are too close to evil things for me to actually pursue them. I'm posting this rn bc I'm agreeing to move out of the dorms with my roommate and get an apartment but it feels so wrong to be doing this. All I can think is I need to save up extra rent so if I finally get the balls to ctb he won't need to pay extra on rent before he gets a new roommate. On one end I want to better my life but it feels inevitable that I will ctb one day and any time I spend not planning that feels like I'm just leading ppl on and robbing them of time and money. What do I do?

 

[timf]

It sounds like you are on a trajectory in life not of your choosing. How would your parents feel if you took a break from college and experimented with taking vocational training in car repair, welding,, electronics or some other endeavor that you might be able to connect with. Alternatively, you might try something really drastic such as joining the Army and getting some kind of training there.

I am not sure what you mean by "topics you care about are too close to evil things". If you see a dangerous "darkness" in your life, you might consider cultivating that which you see as "light".

 

[TekkenPlayer]

I feel you so much man, my family is so hellbent on helping me out in any way they can meanwhile I just hope I die everyday as I just can't find any reason to live for the last year or so. The only reason why I haven't ctb is because of them but that alone doesn't make life worth living I'm just surfing through life so that all the time and resources spent on me don't go to waste and so that I don't leave a huge emotional scar on them