Venting Constant cycle

[_void]

every day is an absolute struggle to get through..
and i'll be so distracted using up all my energy to try and do the most basic of things..
and my adhd medications mask a lot of what i go through and help me focus a little less on my suicidal ideation..
but then the night time comes and i feel most safe here, there is an odd comfort i can't really put my finger on and at this point of the day my pain is at it's worst and i go so deep in my wanting to leave this planet but i also feel safe to feel this way...
but in the day time if my suicidal ideation becomes strong it usually spirals into a panic attack due to feeling so out of options and wanting to relapse into previous coping mechanisms of overdoses...
but times like this when it's 3.42am as it is right now i feel such a calmness about it, though i do still really truly wholeheartedly want to ctb...
but i can't afford further harm or trauma and i can't bring myself to go through a painful experience....

so this cycle repeats

 

[Shadow_]

The cycle only breaks when you break it. But I'm with you. Years ago I told my aunt that I preferred to be awake and off work late at night, because the world is quiet and I can be free to be me, be free from expectations. She said it sounded lonely. I said it sounds peaceful.

 

[_void]

The cycle only breaks when you break it. But I'm with you. Years ago I told my aunt that I preferred to be awake and off work late at night, because the world is quiet and I can be free to be me, be free from expectations. She said it sounded lonely. I said it sounds peaceful.

Thanks for sharing. It really is peaceful. This kind of cycle I think only breaks when I'm gone. I like the peacefulness of the night and how still it is, listening to music and just feeling safe with my feelings of not wanting to be here.
I'm glad to know that you've found a schedule with work that is right for you and frees you from the expectations.

 

[Shadow_]

I gotta say, the peace works. Well worked. It worked for a long time. I'm not saying going full vampire is worth it. I just understand where you are coming from. Talk to your psychiatrist about how and why your meds are and aren't working. People are always trying to find peace. Why do you think meditation and yoga and self deprivation tanks and solo hikes, and about a million other things are popular. I might just ctb over being a person who has now put this into words to another person, but find your peace bro oh God I hated even writing that, but enjoy it while you can, but adapt. It won't work forever, just continue to find other things that find it as well.