Venting considering trying SN again..

[_elliott]

as time goes on i am definitely conflicted, but i just honestly feel like my life would be better gone. the only thing i want to achieve in my life is having children, but i'm infertile, and i don't think anyone would want to have kids with me. i have no real strong friends at the moment, and i know things are supposed to get better, but i'm so tired.

i just don't know when i could attempt that would be good for everyone else. i don't want people finding my body. i especially don't want family.

part of me just wants to try, and fail, so people give me love again, but every time i fail, the love always goes away because everyone just assumes i'm fine again.

i just... there's so much pain. i feel so hopeless. the only way i can be happy anymore is drunk off my ass, and that only lasts an hour...

i just don't know what to do. bpd is such a painful illness, and my panic disorder. i have 20 panic attacks a day at most. it's so painful, and i get no sympathy.

nothing is filling. nothing ever gets better for me. it doesn't stay better at all for me.

i'm exhausted.

 

[miserableforever]

as time goes on i am definitely conflicted, but i just honestly feel like my life would be better gone. the only thing i want to achieve in my life is having children, but i'm infertile, and i don't think anyone would want to have kids with me. i have no real strong friends at the moment, and i know things are supposed to get better, but i'm so tired.

i just don't know when i could attempt that would be good for everyone else. i don't want people finding my body. i especially don't want family.

part of me just wants to try, and fail, so people give me love again, but every time i fail, the love always goes away because everyone just assumes i'm fine again.

i just... there's so much pain. i feel so hopeless. the only way i can be happy anymore is drunk off my ass, and that only lasts an hour...

i just don't know what to do. bpd is such a painful illness, and my panic disorder. i have 20 panic attacks a day at most. it's so painful, and i get no sympathy.

nothing is filling. nothing ever gets better for me. it doesn't stay better at all for me.

i'm exhausted.

I'm going through a rough night myself here, so I can't say much. Just know many of us are in the same boat, you're not alone. And that goes for this forum as well as the outside world.
I worried about you last time when you SN'ed and I would again. As much as I wish anyone with a CTB wish to be successful, it makes my heart heavy knowing they were too tired to keep going. Maybe cause I know that my time will arrive too.
Whatever you choose to do, my thoughts are with you and everyone else on here sharing their lives.

 

[blueclover_.]

as time goes on i am definitely conflicted, but i just honestly feel like my life would be better gone. the only thing i want to achieve in my life is having children, but i'm infertile, and i don't think anyone would want to have kids with me. i have no real strong friends at the moment, and i know things are supposed to get better, but i'm so tired.

i just don't know when i could attempt that would be good for everyone else. i don't want people finding my body. i especially don't want family.

part of me just wants to try, and fail, so people give me love again, but every time i fail, the love always goes away because everyone just assumes i'm fine again.

i just... there's so much pain. i feel so hopeless. the only way i can be happy anymore is drunk off my ass, and that only lasts an hour...

i just don't know what to do. bpd is such a painful illness, and my panic disorder. i have 20 panic attacks a day at most. it's so painful, and i get no sympathy.

nothing is filling. nothing ever gets better for me. it doesn't stay better at all for me.

i'm exhausted.

You have BPD, you know the world is full of shit and problems, and you still want to create another being into this world so that they can be a wage slave for 40+ years and die for no reason at all?

Anyway if you're gonna do it again i hope you follow through Stan's guide. Just chug it down, don't sip it like you're savoring a candy.

 

[Atraxa]

Your last paragraphs are very relatable. Doing what you feel most comfortable with is the best course of action, especially when you have uncertainty you want it to be what you truly want. I hope whichever you decide though you can find some solace. It's a horrible feeling to spend whole days just panicking about details you can never alter in a world which will never change.

 

[Choco]

as time goes on i am definitely conflicted, but i just honestly feel like my life would be better gone. the only thing i want to achieve in my life is having children, but i'm infertile, and i don't think anyone would want to have kids with me. i have no real strong friends at the moment, and i know things are supposed to get better, but i'm so tired.

i just don't know when i could attempt that would be good for everyone else. i don't want people finding my body. i especially don't want family.

part of me just wants to try, and fail, so people give me love again, but every time i fail, the love always goes away because everyone just assumes i'm fine again.

i just... there's so much pain. i feel so hopeless. the only way i can be happy anymore is drunk off my ass, and that only lasts an hour...

i just don't know what to do. bpd is such a painful illness, and my panic disorder. i have 20 panic attacks a day at most. it's so painful, and i get no sympathy.

nothing is filling. nothing ever gets better for me. it doesn't stay better at all for me.

i'm exhausted.

Have you already thought about adoption? (not being disrespectful)

 

[Kennish]

It is exhausting to live. I don't feel home in my body. I hate it. I understand your pain. Life really is dark and awful. I hate it.

 

[Not Sure]

the only thing i want to achieve in my life is having children, but i'm infertile, and i don't think anyone would want to have kids with me.

I have BPD as well, and I feel like CTB sometimes because of the children. Because I feel disconnected from them with all their joy and happiness that I lost somewhere and cannot seem to find, for them or for myself. And I keep thinking they'd be better off without me.

 

[_elliott]

You have BPD, you know the world is full of shit and problems, and you still want to create another being into this world so that they can be a wage slave for 40+ years and die for no reason at all?

Anyway if you're gonna do it again i hope you follow through Stan's guide. Just chug it down, don't sip it like you're savoring a candy.

i don't view having a kid like that. i agree, giving birth is a nonconsentual choice for the child, but caring about children and being a good parent is what i was meant to do, and i can assure you it is my purpose in life.

is the world full of shit? fuck, absolutely. i've had the same thoughts as you about having a kid, but the difference is that my parents and family were a total shithole, and i think if i had a kid it would be a lot different for them.

no one dies for no reason at all, in my opinion. even you and even i. life is a painful thing but we all contributed something to the people around us. even you to me.

Have you already thought about adoption?

i have, and i've considered it, but part of me (the part i hate about myself) just knows it wouldn't be.. the same. of course i would love them like my own, and god knows the world doesn't need more fucking people, but there really is something special about having your own that i'm sad i'll probably never experience.

there's maybe a slight chance i could have kids, but i've already had two miscarriages. my mom had one before me and my brother, my aunt is completely infertile, and my great grandmother had five miscarriages before her two kids. i don't think i could mentally handle another one, but adoption just isn't exactly the same.

I'm going through a rough night myself here, so I can't say much. Just know many of us are in the same boat, you're not alone. And that goes for this forum as well as the outside world.
I worried about you last time when you SN'ed and I would again. As much as I wish anyone with a CTB wish to be successful, it makes my heart heavy knowing they were too tired to keep going. Maybe cause I know that my time will arrive too.
Whatever you choose to do, my thoughts are with you and everyone else on here sharing their lives.

thank you and everyone else for their kindness, it touches my heart. this place has been my only comfort as of late.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is very horrible. It is understandable wanting to exit when you are constantly suffering. I know it is painful when everything seems to be hopeless. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. If your decision is to leave, then I hope you find peace.

 

[Wingspan]

I do not understand you people. You acknowledge how sick life is and yet want to force someone else into it? All of your capacity to experience profound torment is solely a result of your parents having sex and wanting a human pet. You'd genuinely want to gamble at the expense of someone else to fulfill your own desires? Even when you've seen first hand how horrific it can be? I wish you a painless exit if that's what you plan, and I wish your child uninterrupted abyssal ecstasy.

 

[_elliott]

I do not understand you people. You acknowledge how sick life is and yet want to force someone else into it? All of your capacity to experience profound torment is solely a result of your parents having sex and wanting a human pet. You'd genuinely want to gamble at the expense of someone else to fulfill your own desires? Even when you've seen first hand how horrific it can be? I wish you a painless exit if that's what you plan, and I wish your child uninterrupted abyssal ecstasy.

yeah, life sucks, but there's good things in life too. a human pet? if that's what you think i desire, i think you're surely mistaken. and if that is what you think i view of children, or, better yet, how you view children, i hope you get better.

 

[PassingThrough]

Consider a reversal of roles: you are the mother to a child who decides that he/she wants to die. What do you do? Interfere with their attempt, inform the authorities, etc.? Or not intervene, support their decision, maybe even help them do it? I am never going to be a parent because I don't want to have to make decisions like that...

 

[_elliott]

Consider a reversal of roles: you are the mother to a child who decides that he/she wants to die. What do you do? Interfere with their attempt, inform the authorities, etc.? Or not intervene, support their decision, maybe even help them do it? I am never going to be a parent because I don't want to have to make decisions like that...

it's their life. i would give them the best support i can, hopefully never leading to that decision.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

BPD is a b*tch. Feeling disconnected and isolated from others constantly, and for me, my rages and anxiety...

I hope it gets better for you soon. My only reprieve is work and I'm working 7 days a week to cope but it's exhausting when one feels depressed. No judgement on your desire regarding children as I similarly long for a family of mine, but am trying to accept that I'll eventually ctb alone and in despair.

I hope you find your way to cope, or peace. Sending you healing thoughts.

 

[blueclover_.]

i don't view having a kid like that. i agree, giving birth is a nonconsentual choice for the child, but caring about children and being a good parent is what i was meant to do, and i can assure you it is my purpose in life.

is the world full of shit? fuck, absolutely. i've had the same thoughts as you about having a kid, but the difference is that my parents and family were a total shithole, and i think if i had a kid it would be a lot different for them.

no one dies for no reason at all, in my opinion. even you and even i. life is a painful thing but we all contributed something to the people around us. even you to me.

i have, and i've considered it, but part of me (the part i hate about myself) just knows it wouldn't be.. the same. of course i would love them like my own, and god knows the world doesn't need more fucking people, but there really is something special about having your own that i'm sad i'll probably never experience.

there's maybe a slight chance i could have kids, but i've already had two miscarriages. my mom had one before me and my brother, my aunt is completely infertile, and my great grandmother had five miscarriages before her two kids. i don't think i could mentally handle another one, but adoption just isn't exactly the same.

thank you and everyone else for their kindness, it touches my heart. this place has been my only comfort as of late.

Let's say you have a kid and you're a great parent. There's no guarantee that your kid won't be bullied, harassed, raped, murdered, become a murderer, the possibilities are endless. Why take the chances when you can just prevent ALL suffering to your potential children? Just so that you can surpass your genes and smile at their cute baby faces?

 

[_elliott]

Let's say you have a kid and you're a great parent. There's no guarantee that your kid won't be bullied, harassed, raped, murdered, become a murderer, the possibilities are endless. Why take the chances when you can just prevent ALL suffering to your potential children? Just so that you can surpass your genes and smile at their cute baby faces?

to give them some joy in what the world can offer. to give them experience, to give them something. trust me, i would never have wanted to be born, if i had the choice, but to be able to share what little good in the world to another being, my own offspring, would be something amazing, and worth living for. i can't stop the world attacking them, but i can at least show them the safe parts.

besides, like i said, i'm basically infertile. i don't know why everyone is convincing me not to have kids, i can't at the moment anyways.

 

[blueclover_.]

to give them some joy in what the world can offer. to give them experience, to give them something. trust me, i would never have wanted to be born, if i had the choice, but to be able to share what little good in the world to another being, my own offspring, would be something amazing, and worth living for. i can't stop the world attacking them, but i can at least show them the safe parts.

besides, like i said, i'm basically infertile. i don't know why everyone is convincing me not to have kids, i can't at the moment anyways.

You're not an all-powerful God that can make sure your kid gets the best life. You CAN'T save them from other people. Knowing all that you still believe that you actually have control over your kids life?

 

[Blue_mist]

Being mentally and financially incompetent to raise children and Bringing them to this world just to carry your genes and suffer is hideous crime.

 

[_elliott]

You're not an all-powerful God that can make sure your kid gets the best life. You CAN'T save them from other people. Knowing all that you still believe that you actually have control over your kids life? Stop this delusion.

i wouldn't have a kid if i wasn't 100% sure i could give them the best life possible. i can't save them from other people, but i can show them what life does have to offer.

Being mentally and financially incompetent to raise children and Bringing them to this world just to carry your genes and suffer is hideous crime.

life isn't all suffering. it sucks, but it's not completely that.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

You're not an all-powerful God that can make sure your kid gets the best life. You CAN'T save them from other people. Knowing all that you still believe that you actually have control over your kids life? Stop this delusion.

I think you need to respect that just as you have your opinion, Elliot has hers too and you need to respect hers in her thread.

Being mentally and financially incompetent to raise children and Bringing them to this world just to carry your genes and suffer is hideous crime.

Our body, our say. We dislike it when others dictate what we can or cannot do with our body and parts, so why do it to others? Plus the underlying assumption that most of us here, if not all are financially incompetent does not ring true. Some of us actually have decent income, live in good neighbourhoods and just happen to have other crappy circumstances that compel us to consider ctb. Even as we struggle, we are entitled to our dreams and aspirations.

 

[blueclover_.]

I think you need to respect that just as you have your opinion, Elliot has hers too and you need to respect hers in her thread.

Our body, our say. We dislike it when others dictate what we can or cannot do with our body and parts, so why do it to others?

Because having kids while you can't even support yourself mentally is cruelty. No one ever has control over their kids lives, stop being delusional. One car accident and your kid might have to suffer all their life just so that YOU can feel amused by their existence.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Because having kids while you can't even support yourself mentally is cruelty.

That is a fallacious assumption and one that supports the view that individuals with mental health concerns are incompetent. I may struggle mentally but it doesn't rob me or those with similar struggles of our ability to love and do what's right for our loved ones.

 

[Crimsonghost3]

As

Let's say you have a kid and you're a great parent. There's no guarantee that your kid won't be bullied, harassed, raped, murdered, become a murderer, the possibilities are endless. Why take the chances when you can just prevent ALL suffering to your potential children? Just so that you can surpass your genes and smile at their cute baby faces?

As miserable as the world is and I know I'll be leaving it soon the best thing I ever did was my kids. It's the only thing I don't regret and I'm proud of them existing. I know there'salot of contradiction in me wanting them to be happy and alive vs me being this hopeless and wanting to not be alive. Yes they can end up just like me they can have horrific things happen to them and if they ever felt this way and decided they couldn't handle it anymore I would support that idc how that sounds. I also see a lot of people struggling with their life and mistakes and their own ctb because of their kids. I think some people are meant to care for those young ones to at least try and prevent this feeling so many of us have suffered from for years. We will tank the earth before we stop reproduction so it seems at least to me a good thing when someone believes that to be a purpose of theirs

 

[PeacefulTonic]

That is a fallacious assumption and one that supports the view that individuals with mental health concerns are incompetent. I may struggle mentally but it doesn't rob me or those with similar struggles of our ability to love and do what's right for our loved ones.

How's that a fallacious assumption?

 

[blueclover_.]

That is a fallacious assumption and one that supports the view that individuals with mental health concerns are incompetent. I may struggle mentally but it doesn't rob me or those with similar struggles of our ability to love and do what's right for our loved ones.

And other people can still fuck your kid's life. You're not a God. Why take the chances o inflicting suffering upon a child when you can just prevent all? They can't feel like missing anything out because feelings are only for the living. There is no logical benefit for an unborn child to be alive. It is just your reproduction instinct screaming at you to surpass your genes and continue the DNAs existence.

As

As miserable as the world is and I know I'll be leaving it soon the best thing I ever did was my kids. It's the only thing I don't regret and I'm proud of them existing. I know there'salot of contradiction in me wanting them to be happy and alive vs me being this hopeless and wanting to not be alive. Yes they can end up just like me they can have horrific things happen to them and if they ever felt this way and decided they couldn't handle it anymore I would support that idc how that sounds. I also see a lot of people struggling with their life and mistakes and their own ctb because of their kids. I think some people are meant to care for those young ones to at least try and prevent this feeling so many of us have suffered from for years. We will tank the earth before we stop reproduction so it seems at least to me a good thing when someone believes that to be a purpose of theirs

And if they ever feel suffering from other people, it's all your fault. All your misery is caused by your parents thinking life is all cookies and rainbows.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

And other people can still fuck your kid's life. You're not a God. Why take the chances o inflicting suffering upon a child when you can just prevent all? They can't feel like missing anything out because feelings are only for the living. There is no logical benefit for an unborn child to be alive. It is just your reproduction instinct screaming at you to surpass your genes and continue the DNAs existence.

I think just as you are entitled to your opinion, there's a need to respect that this is the OPs thread and that others have their opinions which can be different from yours.

Would appreciate it if you don't impose yours on others and tell me what to do with my body. If I have the finances and the means to have a child and support him/her till adulthood, it's my right and say regardless of my disability.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

As

As miserable as the world is and I know I'll be leaving it soon the best thing I ever did was my kids. It's the only thing I don't regret and I'm proud of them existing. I know there'salot of contradiction in me wanting them to be happy and alive vs me being this hopeless and wanting to not be alive. Yes they can end up just like me they can have horrific things happen to them and if they ever felt this way and decided they couldn't handle it anymore I would support that idc how that sounds. I also see a lot of people struggling with their life and mistakes and their own ctb because of their kids. I think some people are meant to care for those young ones to at least try and prevent this feeling so many of us have suffered from for years. We will tank the earth before we stop reproduction so it seems at least to me a good thing when someone believes that to be a purpose of theirs

And by ctbing, their world will be miserable. And there's still even more suffering that they can endure in the future

 

[blueclover_.]

I think just as you are entitled to your opinion, there's a need to respect that this is the OPs thread and that others have their opinions which can be different from yours.

Would appreciate it if you don't impose yours on others and tell me what to do with my body. If I have the finances and the means to have a child and support him/her till adulthood, it's my right and say regardless of my disability.

It's your body, but it's your kid's life. If your kid is suffering, it's all entirely your fault because you think "LifE is bEAutifUL" despite knowing how horrible it really is. Just so that you can be amused by their existence.

Reproduction is not a right.

 

[Crimsonghost3]

That is a fallacious assumption and one that supports the view that individuals with mental health concerns are incompetent. I may struggle mentally but it doesn't rob me or those with similar struggles of our ability to love and do what's right for our loved ones.

And other people can still fuck your kid's life. You're not a God. Why take the chances o inflicting suffering upon a child when you can just prevent all? They can't feel like missing anything out because feelings are only for the living. There is no logical benefit for an unborn child to be alive. It is just your reproduction instinct screaming at you to surpass your genes and continue the DNAs existence.

And if they ever feel suffering from other people, it's all your fault. All your misery is caused by your parents thinking life is all cookies and rainbows.

The woman that birthed me was a cum dump that was paralyzed raped and forced to have kids so she didn't ask to have me pretty sure she wasn't thinking life was cookies and rainbows and yes I do take full responsibility for any suffering my kids have gone through and will go through it is my fault for not doing more to not have them. 100% on me and not one minute I am alive will I ever regret them. They are loved and they have a much better life than I had and yes tomorrow that could all end and their pain would be on me. I dont believe the world is meant for everybody but I don't believe everybody lives a life not worth living

And by ctbing, their world will be miserable. And there's still even more suffering that they can endure in the future

We aren't going to agree on this and you're right and I take the responsibility for that

 

[PDAnnie2610]

It's your body, but it's your kid's life. If your kid is suffering, it's all entirely your fault because you think "LifE is bEAutifUL" despite knowing how horrible it really is. Just so that you can be amused by their existence.

Reproductioon is not a right.

I can be suffering mentally but it doesn't mean I've a crappy life all the time. I've a privileged life compared to some so yes, I don't share the view that reality is 100% awful.

My body, my right. Yours is your right. As long as I cause no harm, who are others to tell me what to do with mine.

I find the thought that my suffering will make me a terrible parent an insulting one, to be honest. Especially since you have no idea who I am and where I come from.