Venting considering ctb in a few hours

[halleyscomet]

i'm tired. these past few weeks have been more excruciating then my life has ever been. i've had depression for a very long time but it has never gotten this bad.

it's probably because of what happened with my ex, he stole, he lied, he sa'd me all because i was too naive and too desperate for love to look at the red flags.

i want to use my life for good, i've always wanted to be a nurse and hold people during their worst days. but i feel this dream is misplaced now. i think i want to care for people so badly because i've never gotten that care for myself.

i'm quite different i'd say to a lot of the people on here that hate humanity. people are flawed but i do love them, more then they'll ever give back. i want to be a source of light in this hellish world but i don't think i'm capable anymore.

i'm sick of living like a martyr, i've given everything i have and it's never enough. i'm sick of wearing a mask and shielding my sadness just for the convenience of others, while putting every last bit of effort into caring for those in their worst moments.

i have so much left, so much more i can do. but it's never for me. my whole existence belongs to others, i get no joy or pleasure out of any of this. i'm not okay, but nobody cares, but i have to be the bigger person and hold them, care for them, love them? it's not fair.

i'm just worried i'll fail to ctb, i don't have the privilege of money or time to be able to come up with a plan. i'll probably throw myself in the river, i can't swim so si won't do much. but there's still a possibility of being dragged out (the only rivers near me are quite public there's a good chance someone will see me fall in)

i'm just so tired i want it all to stop. i've tried all the therapies actually got kicked out of some for being "too depressing" (literally depression therapy lmao)

i just don't know what to do i wish someone could sway me one way or the other but ik its my decision

i'm honestly tempted to beg for my ex back, just to feel a little bit wanted and maybe if he hurts me again it'll push me over the edge

i just don't want to be here, why can't i just die? why is it so complicated

 

[OICU812]

I wish I could give you some magical words of comfort. I do know that it takes a very special person to care for others. It's never too late to follow your dreams for nursing school. I would try to stay away from your ex as much as possible. Is his "love" really worth another sa? And maybe try to stick around for July 28th 2061 (the next Halley's Comet)

 

[HighFlight]

Not dismissing your long-term depression, but it sounds like maybe you've had a couple of especially difficult weeks. However, I'm also hearing a lot of love and hope in your post.

You don't deserve to be abused by others, and I get the idea of remaining here only for other people. Your post states how much good you feel you could do. Humanity needs more caring people, now more than ever, and nursing is an awesome way to do that.

Ultimately, it's your choice, but if you're not ready 100%, I might suggest you wait. The river will still be there.

I hope you can find some peace, and you are welcome to direct message me if you'd like to talk.

 

[Worndown]

Skip the ex. He has proved himself unworthy of your time or affection. You have great desires and you deserve better.

You might need a better therapist. Firemen will leave a fire because it is too hot. Nobody gets kicked out of therapy for being too depressed. You should have beed referred to a more skilled individual.

We really cannot sway to toward death. You should discuss, vent, listen and learn.
In time you will know for certain. I truly hope all goes well whatever you choose.

 

[Raindancer]

I agree with everyone. I still hear hope in your post. I wish you had someone that could take care of you like you do others in their times of need. It definitely takes a special person to care for others as @OICU812 said. You have a good and caring heart, maybe try and use some of that on yourself. It sucks, but sometimes we have to be the ones to care for ourselves when no one else is there. You are absolutely worth it! I also agree with trying to stay away from the ex. It doesn't sound like he is good for you and you deserve to be treated better. I wish you peace and rest.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im sorry your in this much pain, its always the good ones that gets treated badly :( I read some doubt in your post, i hope your absolutely sure you wanna ctb since there is likely no way back. I wish you the best whatever you decide. if you dont ctb i hope you find a way to become the nurse you want to be, its a very honorable occupation <3

 

[lita-lassi]

Skip the ex. He has proved himself unworthy of your time or affection. You have great desires and you deserve better.

this

 

[Readytogo246]

Go away from him. He is toxic