Venting Considering committing myself to psych ward

[alivefornow]

It's been a week since I got discharged from a 4 month stay in a psych ward. It was my first time and I got sent there involuntarily.

The ward was shit, but I improved in there to a point in which intrusive suicidal thoughts ceased, and the chest pain was down to a manageable level.

However, since I left, I have been feeling excruciating chest pain, increasing by each day, and suicidal thought patterns and imagination started to reappear.

I just don't want to live a sad and painful life. What is the point? I can't guarantee I won't try to CTB again, not even to myself, because I know I can't ever feel happiness. I'm just not made for it.

Still, I can't kill myself because I can't afford to hurt my relatives like that. Moreover, my parents will need me when they become too old. I'm the only child of both.

I didn't ask to exist, I don't find it fun losing my sleep everyday to anxiety and never achieving anything.

I could tolerate a few more months not worrying about anything except for smoking cigarettes and attending meetings.

I don't care much about the "outside" world. I didn't miss it the first time, even though the ward itself is shitty. There's nothing but pain for me out here. I'm a danger to myself.

If I'm agreeing with everyone else and staying alive against my will, I need some kind of safety.

I know I can't live in a ward forever. But I know this pain caused me to lean towards the ledge, tie the knot and kneel twice and purchase SN. It drives me to death. Makes me want death.

 

[MrDarkness]

It's your choice, you clearly saw some help in the ward, maybe seek in programs after getting put in, I hope life becomes better

 

[SVEN]

Maybe you could have a look at the Recovery section, where others who have been where you are but are now hoping to struggle on to being in a better place could relate better to you and offer their own experiences.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so awful and tiring what you have to endure, I get that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The decision is up to you. If yopu are convinced that the psych ward can help you and you are willing to go on living then this is the way to go. If you decide to CTB and this is your true desire then this is the way to go. I wish you all the best and may you make the right decisions for your personal future. Any decision will be fully repsected here!

 

[seaspray]

The psyche ward isnt easy,but if it helps to keep you safe then its probably worth it.At least it might give you a break from the tortuous thoughts.So sorry its so hard.

 

[chloramine]

If that's what you want then I don't think there's anything wrong with going back. There are also outpatient facilities I believe? I don't know where you are or if you'd have to pay for either option, but if you decide not to there are other avenues to pursue.