KillerIsMe
Member
- Aug 26, 2023
- 73
I'm stuck deciding whether or not to ctb. I have the SN ready and I have a plan and everything. There's just something stopping me. I feel like it's the logical and least shameful thing to do in my position but there is something in the back of my mind telling me to stay here.
Basically, I'm a weirdo. Not even the kind of weirdo that has friends and values and interests, but the empty, dark, grim kind of weirdo. I don't have anybody in my life. I never found my people. I don't have any true interests and I don't know what I'm living for because nothing is a relief from the constant feeling of being in the waiting room of life and nothing really feels good. I'm starting college at 24 for a career I may be too disabled to work in (mental health) and that I'm not sure I even have an interest in. People can tell I'm weird and they call me things like "retard", "crazy", "moron". I've had people ask me "what are you?" Implying that I'm not a real person. People can just tell there's something very wrong with me. I worked at a grocery store for 6 years and didn't make a single friend and hardly talked.
The shame of knowing that other people can tell I'm weird is a killer.
I have lost the plot out of sheer isolation. I don't really understand reality anymore, much less social shared reality.
The diagnosis is BPD, but that doesn't quite express how messed up I am. I'm a kook, a visibly mentally ill person.
There's realistically nothing waiting for me. I won't ever be trusted with people's lives as a therapist because of how I behave and look. I will always be seen as a "retard", a write off and a half person. I can barely handle being a cashier, and as far as I know nobody was thinking about promoting me because of how obviously impaired I was.
Somehow, I still feel a stirring of hope. I have the delusional thought that I might still find a community and find my place. Maybe even find love. Maybe there is a non-conventional path out there for me to succeed in. Is this just my mental illness talking or should I drink the stuff?
Basically, I'm a weirdo. Not even the kind of weirdo that has friends and values and interests, but the empty, dark, grim kind of weirdo. I don't have anybody in my life. I never found my people. I don't have any true interests and I don't know what I'm living for because nothing is a relief from the constant feeling of being in the waiting room of life and nothing really feels good. I'm starting college at 24 for a career I may be too disabled to work in (mental health) and that I'm not sure I even have an interest in. People can tell I'm weird and they call me things like "retard", "crazy", "moron". I've had people ask me "what are you?" Implying that I'm not a real person. People can just tell there's something very wrong with me. I worked at a grocery store for 6 years and didn't make a single friend and hardly talked.
The shame of knowing that other people can tell I'm weird is a killer.
I have lost the plot out of sheer isolation. I don't really understand reality anymore, much less social shared reality.
The diagnosis is BPD, but that doesn't quite express how messed up I am. I'm a kook, a visibly mentally ill person.
There's realistically nothing waiting for me. I won't ever be trusted with people's lives as a therapist because of how I behave and look. I will always be seen as a "retard", a write off and a half person. I can barely handle being a cashier, and as far as I know nobody was thinking about promoting me because of how obviously impaired I was.
Somehow, I still feel a stirring of hope. I have the delusional thought that I might still find a community and find my place. Maybe even find love. Maybe there is a non-conventional path out there for me to succeed in. Is this just my mental illness talking or should I drink the stuff?
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