Venting confiding in others is a privilege i am not able to obtain

[amyrel]

My friend was disappointed in me for pretty much disappearing off the face of the world for around 3 days recently. I've lost a lot recently, including people close to me, so I've been stuck in a cycle of thinking I've moved on for maybe a week and then it all comes crashing down again. This time it was worse I hurt myself deeper, I slept throught the days mostly which made me unable to tell the time and just blurred the days.

When I feel like this I dont want to hangout with my friends either as I'm too tired to pretend and in the end it just feels like I've soured the mood and made everyone else feel worse too which just leads to me feeling more horrible. They ended our conversation off by telling me I can always talk to them, but how is one supposed to be brave enough to bother someone knowing they don't truly matter and aren't anyones first choice?

I don't know, for me the whole "You can always talk to us" mostly feels like something you say in the moment to try and cheer someone up a little bit, but not an offer you want them to actually take you up on. Honestly my biggest problem is probably just that I am fully convinced I am unloveable to other people. I do actually like myself, however I have believed all my life that no one would genuinely care about me and I have already made my peace with that. I guess that might be why I just cannot believe peoples concerns about me, after all sure when I die it might hit you as you did know me in the end, but you'll move on pretty quickly. After all it's not worth it to dwell on someone who only shows a superficial self.

But yea, I guess I just don't feel like I matter that much to anybody to actually reach out and so when i hear stuff like that and people mostly talking about the struggles they face due to me struggling it kind of makes me feel a type of way. I don't know if this is comprehensible but I thought if I can't reach out one on one I might just go on sansu again, so heres my word vomit.

 

[kipstriesagain]

I relate & understand completely. It's just a social nicety to a lot of people. If you show up with a problem bigger than "I'm feeling sort of down today:(" they're out. Not saying these are your friends but people like that do exist. I hope you find someone who can listen to you and understand.

 

[amyrel]

I relate & understand completely. It's just a social nicety to a lot of people. If you show up with a problem bigger than "I'm feeling sort of down today:(" they're out. Not saying these are your friends but people like that do exist. I hope you find someone who can listen to you and understand.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant! I'm glad it came across and thank you, I wish sincerity was more common nowadays.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

Sometimes a listening ear is really all we *can* offer. It could be a good idea to try taking your friends up on it. Regardless of how you believe they feel about you, sharing the burden can help. Most people can't really do much to help other than that.

I don't wish to diminish your feelings, but I do want to challenge the idea that you're unlikeable. Maybe the people you're talking about just don't know you well enough yet.

 

[amyrel]

Sometimes a listening ear is really all we *can* offer. It could be a good idea to try taking your friends up on it. Regardless of how you believe they feel about you, sharing the burden can help. Most people can't really do much to help other than that.

I don't wish to diminish your feelings, but I do want to challenge the idea that you're unlikeable. Maybe the people you're talking about just don't know you well enough yet.

No worries, I don't take it as diminishing feelings I can see where you are coming from. Right now it feels like our relationship is a bit strained, but if it improves I might give it a try once. Thank you.