Venting anyone else feel "fine" but still want to CTB?

[3FailedAttemptss]

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "getting better" and how alien that feels to me. People in the ward always talk about recovery like there's this baseline of happiness you return to once the illness is treated, but I don't think that baseline exists for me >w<

I'm currently awaiting a schizophrenia diagnosis (assessment is in a few days), and while I have symptoms, my desire to CTB doesn't feel like a symptom. It doesn't feel like a sickness I need to cure. It feels like a logical conclusion TwT

I feel like there is this stereotype that to be suicidal, you have to be miserable, crying, and hating life 24/7 ; - ; But my experience is completely different. I genuinely feel fine. I don't feel "sad" in the traditional sense. The realization hit me when I looked back at my time in Japan. Objectively, that was the "happiest" I have ever been ^^ I was living my dream, I was functioning, I was "fine." And yet, that is exactly where I made my first and second attempts owo It didn't come from a place of misery; it came from a place of... I don't know, logic? It felt like the right time to "tap out" on a high note. If that was me at my peak, if that was the best life is ever going to get and I still tried to leave, then what is the point of recovering? qwq

I realized that even at my happiest, I'm not actually happy. The "best" version of my life is still one where I don't want to be here. It feels weird when people ask how I'm going to recover from something that doesn't feel like an illness, but just feels like… me. I just feel like my lifespan is naturally shorter than others, and I'm okay with that.٩( 'ω' )و

 

[Jisatsu]

I agree. The idea of "getting better" assumes there's a happy baseline to return to, and for some of us that baseline just… never existed. You can be functional, even living the dream, and still feel like opting out makes sense without being miserable 24/7. That doesn't mean you're faking wellness or refusing recovery, it means the usual story doesn't fit you specifically.

 

[Qilio3]

Lately, I've been thinking about something similar. My suicidal thoughts have also become logical (or rational), and I've stopped fighting them. However, today I fully understood my suicidal thoughts. And they have reasons behind them. Not necessarily some profound or terrible one — just that there is one. Not even one, but many. And here it already depends on the person: whether there are still any reasons to live left in them that will outweigh those. I, specifically, will search within myself for what will ultimately tip the scales, until I eliminate all doubts or until the imbalance kills me :).
And a healthy state, perhaps, in society's view means that you don't want to die. You can either accept this definition and consider yourself ill — and then either try to get treatment — or believe that you're okay as you are. Or you can redefine the term for yourself, consider yourself healthy, and do what you think is necessary.
What have you decided for yourself so far regarding the question of life and death?
Of course, in terms of the path to a healthy state, I don't know to what extent the boundaries of acceptable personality change are generally possible.
The funny thing is that this path of personality change seems to imply the "death" of the previous personality

 

[Jello Biafra]

To answer the thread title - yes, I feel fine and want to ctb.

The reason is I lost my wife and everything, including my ability to walk and use my hands, my business, my income, etc. So I really have no reason to continue here - I feel like I'm just killing time. I'm sure peope will think I'm crazy, but I absolutely believe 1000% that death is not like turning off a light bulb. It's a simple change in focus. We immerse ourselves in physical existence because if we knew otherwise it would completely cheapen the experience. What convinced me was a handful of experiences that completely changed me right after she died - I'm not religious, not spiritual, none of that kind of stuff interested me before.

My only hesitation is what this will do to my mother - she thinks I'm perfectly fine, which I am, I just don't see anything left for me except for sitting in my bedroom and playing with the computer. No thanks.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "getting better" and how alien that feels to me. People in the ward always talk about recovery like there's this baseline of happiness you return to once the illness is treated, but I don't think that baseline exists for me >w<

I'm currently awaiting a schizophrenia diagnosis (assessment is in a few days), and while I have symptoms, my desire to CTB doesn't feel like a symptom. It doesn't feel like a sickness I need to cure. It feels like a logical conclusion TwT

I feel like there is this stereotype that to be suicidal, you have to be miserable, crying, and hating life 24/7 ; - ; But my experience is completely different. I genuinely feel fine. I don't feel "sad" in the traditional sense. The realization hit me when I looked back at my time in Japan. Objectively, that was the "happiest" I have ever been ^^ I was living my dream, I was functioning, I was "fine." And yet, that is exactly where I made my first and second attempts owo It didn't come from a place of misery; it came from a place of... I don't know, logic? It felt like the right time to "tap out" on a high note. If that was me at my peak, if that was the best life is ever going to get and I still tried to leave, then what is the point of recovering? qwq

I realized that even at my happiest, I'm not actually happy. The "best" version of my life is still one where I don't want to be here. It feels weird when people ask how I'm going to recover from something that doesn't feel like an illness, but just feels like… me. I just feel like my lifespan is naturally shorter than others, and I'm okay with that.٩( 'ω' )و

Ohayo 3failed,

I'm jealous - I always wanted to go to Japan. I've always had this fascination with Japanese culture - I have no idea why or where it came from - there's something about it that makes me feel comfortable and settled.

Were you just traveling? Or maybe the JET program?

 

[Cauliflour]

I sorta go in and out in terms of feeling "fine". Usually it's cause I haven't cut in 2 weeks or I haven't fueled my hyperfixations recently.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

When I'm disassociating I feel fine, yet those are also the times when I think about CTB the most. It's like all my feelings are put on hold or incredibly dulled, including ones associated with suicide. Like guilt over what others will think. All that's left is a desire to get the hell off this rock.