commit suicide by leaving my 3 year old son alone, am i a selfish cowardly depressive dad?

[My_name_is_Luka]

This is the one I have mentioned, but it speaks only about 2A, 2E, 2F..

CMTA Funds Cutting-Edge Gene Editing Studies for Type 2 CMT | Charcot–Marie–Tooth Association

Drs. Bruce Conklin and Luke Judge will use a $653,000 grant from the CMTA to develop the gene-editing technique known as CRISPR for application to CMT2A, 2E and 2F.

www.cmtausa.org

Maybe you can contact them..

 

[sparkie]

Am I selfish if I leave my 3 year old son and decide to leave this awful world?

I take care of it alone, his mother lives 9000 kilometers away and has not seen her son for 2 years, during all this time I take care of him alone being suffering from charcot disease and being depressed (serious condition).

Am I selfish in giving my son a better future than being alone with a depressed and sick father? is that too egotistical of me? the only thing holding me back from taking action right now is my child.

I say to myself that the sooner I leave him, the less serious the repercussions, the more I delay my decision to leave, the more serious the repercussions because he will become more attached to me and his consciousness will have evolved.

I need to confide in you and have your opinions, even if you decide to insult me and call me an unworthy father. Isn't suicide a deliberate and egocentric choice no matter what one says about it (it doesn't matter which people stay and who will suffer because of the one who left). am I an asshole father? I only think about myself?

But unconsciously and indirectly I think of him, I know that I will be incapable in my psychological state, and with my disease of charcot, to be able to carry out his education (it is normally a work which is done in two - mother and father). but not only am I not a father like the others with all that I am explaining to you, my physical and psychological illness.

I hate myself, I hate what I am and have been hypersensitive since way too young, what I'm made of and made out of is making me incompatible with this shitty society and shitty competitive world. he will miss me, but he will undoubtedly have a better future with a foster family and a child protection structure in place, I know writing all this is completely grotesque, but where could I write it apart here? and with whom to confide me other than you?

I am distraught because I know that in both options, either way, whether I stay or leave my son will suffer. he will suffer if I leave this hell, but he will also suffer if I stay because of my unease and my suicidal thoughts that I would only postpone.

No not selfish he will not even know who you were and many sons on this Planet including me would see that as Paradise

The problem being that I am in depression, and that in my psychological state I am unable to take steps to place my son in a foster family before leaving this world, or even to find a guardian. The second problem is that I do not have exclusive parental authority over my son and that to make this kind of decision I must have the mother's consent, unconsciously I tell myself that I prefer to leave the state in front of the fact accomplished.

I understand your vision and I would have hoped to have the same if there were not the problems of visa and different country, but especially the distance which separates Asia and Europe his mother living in Asia.

with my hereditary and genetic disease which is incurable, and my state of very serious depression, I especially think that no bright future can be profiled for my son if he stays with me, it would undoubtedly be more dangerous for him to stay with a depressed father unable to face life, more than being placed in a foster family. luckily here in the country where I live, the social systems ensure that the children are placed in very respectful and loving families. everything is controlled with a very particular follow-up by the social services and the protection of minors so that the child is well treated and well educated.

I obviously thought not to take action if my son is with me, luckily I have a babysitter who can take care of him, I thought to plan a whole day when the day comes by leaving him at her place and let myself go with the SN or N method if I manage to order this one

I think that death which occurs without reason is not premeditated so we cannot speak of selfishness, but in my specific case it is my suffering vis-à-vis my depressive state and my genetic disease which does not can not ensure a good future for my son and a good education for him, everything is relative. I don't know if it would be a good idea to prepare a letter for him with memories, but I understand what you mean, I think rather letting things be done instinctively, and giving him time to make up his own mind

thank you for your text, unfortunately as I described above I cannot do anything without the consent of his mother who lives in another country since parental authority is shared, if I had exclusive parental authority (which is very difficult to get from a judge and you need valid reasons) I could have done this before even thinking of leaving this world

Sorry i believe if you want to kill yourself then give your son to its mother that who by your texts obviously has 50/50 visitation, i believe what your more interested in is not letting her WIN Im sorry i have a BAD feeling about you

 

[alown]

No not selfish he will not even know who you were and many sons on this Planet including me would see that as Paradise

Sorry i believe if you want to kill yourself then give your son to its mother that who by your texts obviously has 50/50 visitation, i believe what your more interested in is not letting her WIN Im sorry i have a BAD feeling about you

everything never turns out the way you think in life. what is certain is that I will not endure this life for long, mine. I exist but I do not live. to exist and to live are two different things...

 

[sparkie]

You know what you are

 

[SadJessu]

Wish that I could give you a hug right now. It's a very difficult decision, and I can't really offer anything other than my deepest empathy. Just remember that to him you're probably so much more than you see yourself as.

 

[alown]

Wish that I could give you a hug right now. It's a very difficult decision, and I can't really offer anything other than my deepest empathy. Just remember that to him you're probably so much more than you see yourself as.

thank you for your unconditional love which i can feel so far through my phone screen, no doubt you are right about what he may experience and feel for me, but with the consciousness of a 3 year old child it is is contradictory and very paradoxical but I would like not to further damage the image he could have of me, the more time passes and the more I delay this project, the more difficult it will be for him to mourn.

 

[SadJessu]

thank you for your unconditional love which i can feel so far through my phone screen, no doubt you are right about what he may experience and feel for me, but with the consciousness of a 3 year old child it is is contradictory and very paradoxical but I would like not to further damage the image he could have of me, the more time passes and the more I delay this project, the more difficult it will be for him to mourn.

It's understandable. Between the choices of a child not having a stable memory of someone and being angry at them over their choice, the former is preferable. That being said I do think that there will always be a great sense of loss, even if they understand your decision, it will affect him no matter what. The thing I would be primarily concerned with is where he would go after you pass, since the foster care system is really rough. Adoption would be a good option if you're absolutely sure, though I would seek help/therapy if you can for your depression. It's always worth a shot. I also want to say that you are in no way selfish, you are in pain and even still you're putting him first. That's the furthest thing in the world from selfish.

 

[London2021]

Your situation has touched all our hearts and really wish there was a simple answer. Feel the urgency in your words and that you are exhausted by trying to manage these thoughts. I dont know where in Europe you live but sense it's not the UK. Wondered if you would be able to find a middle ground in some way. If you approached children's services even through an emergency duty system could you ask for respite foster care ? Could you write one letter to the authorities saying you can't cope anymore with sole responsibility ( for that is what it sounds like even if the court order says something else). Could you ask them to find foster parents who would provide regular part time care or planned respite just to see if the break would clarify your mind or delay for a bit? Only because it feels like you are at the end of your tether and so isolated and need some space to decide what's best. You sound exhausted. Please keep sharing. You are not alone here.

 

[alown]

Your situation has touched all our hearts and really wish there was a simple answer. Feel the urgency in your words and that you are exhausted by trying to manage these thoughts. I dont know where in Europe you live but sense it's not the UK. Wondered if you would be able to find a middle ground in some way. If you approached children's services even through an emergency duty system could you ask for respite foster care ? Could you write one letter to the authorities saying you can't cope anymore with sole responsibility ( for that is what it sounds like even if the court order says something else). Could you ask them to find foster parents who would provide regular part time care or planned respite just to see if the break would clarify your mind or delay for a bit? Only because it feels like you are at the end of your tether and so isolated and need some space to decide what's best. You sound exhausted. Please keep sharing. You are not alone here.

thank you for your nice words and your proposals which are logical.

It is difficult for me because I have been taking care of my son alone for almost 2 and a half years, but paradoxically when I find myself without him the depression is even stronger.

I do not live in England, but I am not far from this country either, but in my country the rules on child protection are very strict, and if I ask the authorities to place my son in a host family they will ask for what reason, and this can turn against me at a disadvantage and I will probably no longer be able to have the same rights over my son because the protection of minors here is very strict.

I will obviously be able to talk about my genetic disease but especially not about my depression, the problem being that my attending physician is aware of the two problems (my CMT type b 2 disease but also of my depression) and the protection services of the childhood will automatically ask my doctor if I call for them. as mentioned earlier in my old comments, the more time passes, the more difficult it will be for my son to accept my departure because his consciousness is developing and evolving.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I think that in large part it will depend whether his mother has already been legally excluded from parenthood. If not, she will also get to decide whether the son should be assigned to a foster family or if she wants to look after him.
I don't think that the law will impose you not to see your son again or contact the foster parents, as your son is not being taken from you by the authorities but rather it's you contacting them. But whether you can decide to which family he will be assigned, I don't know..
No need to talk about depression; you can just say that you're a single parent and you have this health problem; in these circumstances you find yourself unable to look after your child enough and that you are considering if there are better chances for him to grow up in a family that could care about him.
Aren't there associations for consultation for families?

It's thought that a very few children will keep memories of what happened in the first few years of life. 3 years is when children are going to the kindergarten. You can try to remember if you had memories from that period. I do remember episodes and a few adults from that time; I have quite some vivid memories, but I can't tell if I was 3, 4 or 5 years old. And if I think about the time I spent with my parents or my grandparents at that age, I have some blurry memories but I can't remember exactly at which age they happened.
Every child has events that have impressed them and that remained in their memory for some reason, even if they are unimportant.
He will overwrite them, but at the beginning he will have a hard time realizing that he will be together with different people. You know that familiar feeling of being used, as children, to the hand that feeds us, caresses us, to the voice that speaks to us, to the food that our parents cook for us.

 

[alown]

I think that in large part it will depend whether his mother has already been legally excluded from parenthood. If not, she will also get to decide whether the son should be assigned to a foster family or if she wants to look after him.
I don't think that the law will impose you not to see your son again or contact the foster parents, as your son is not being taken from you by the authorities but rather it's you contacting them. But whether you can decide to which family he will be assigned, I don't know..
No need to talk about depression; you can just say that you're a single parent and you have this health problem; in these circumstances you find yourself unable to look after your child enough and that you are considering if there are better chances for him to grow up in a family that could care about him.
Aren't there associations for consultation for families?

It's thought that a very few children will keep memories of what happened in the first few years of life. 3 years is when children are going to the kindergarten. You can try to remember if you had memories from that period. I do remember episodes and a few adults from that time; I have quite some vivid memories, but I can't tell if I was 3, 4 or 5 years old. And if I think about the time I spent with my parents or my grandparents at that age, I have some blurry memories but I can't remember exactly at which age they happened.
Every child has events that have impressed them and that remained in their memory for some reason, even if they are unimportant.
He will overwrite them, but at the beginning he will have a hard time realizing that he will be together with different people. You know that familiar feeling of being used, as children, to the hand that feeds us, caresses us, to the voice that speaks to us, to the food that our parents cook for us.

I have no special memories at that age, memories come back when I look at photos that my mother had shown me, photos of me and my grandmother for example and I was 3 ~ 4 years old at the time the. it is true that unconsciously we retain the smells, the presences, at this age there, the notion of the present and the instinct functions differently.

concerning parental authority, this one is divided in two, so I have just as much legal parental authority as his mother, but I do not feel capable for various reasons to initiate the preliminary steps if I decide to leave this world, so it will tighten the authorities who will do what is necessary, and I think it would be logical that they do what is necessary to send my son to his mother even if she is not in the same country. thank you for your message which is very rational, and for your advice.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

Glad that my point of view can be of help! You're a good person, who had bad luck..

 

[melissa286]

First of all, I reject the idea that suicide is either selfish or cowardly. Anyone who's ever been suicidal or knows how ridiculous that is.

Has your son's mother not seen him because she doesn't want to, or just because it isn't practical? Is it a possibility that she might seek custody of him after you're gone, or are you pretty sure she's not interested? Or is it that she's not *able* to take care of him? She hasn't seen him in person, but is she in contact with you or him at all?

If being in her custody would be better for him than taking a chance on foster care, is it a practical option to try to strengthen the connection between them before you go?

 

[RedHarlequin]

I dont think suicide can ever be selfish.

 

[alown]

First of all, I reject the idea that suicide is either selfish or cowardly. Anyone who's ever been suicidal or knows how ridiculous that is.

Has your son's mother not seen him because she doesn't want to, or just because it isn't practical? Is it a possibility that she might seek custody of him after you're gone, or are you pretty sure she's not interested? Or is it that she's not *able* to take care of him? She hasn't seen him in person, but is she in contact with you or him at all?

If being in her custody would be better for him than taking a chance on foster care, is it a practical option to try to strengthen the connection between them before you go?

she does not live in Europe which complicates things, I think it would be obvious that the authorities seek to repatriate my son to his mother's country rather than putting him in a foster family, thank you for your words and your help

I dont think suicide can ever be selfish.

I know that we are all free to choose and I think like you that it is rather an act of courage and not a selfish act, but my son has no family except me here, it is a bit selfish all the same to think about my ill-being and not to think about my son

 

[Meliæ]

Yes. That is extremely selfish and cruel especially since his mother does not take him in.
You gave him life, don't make it shitty.

Moreover of course the kid will be traumatised, those who say he won't remember are spreading false informations. The kid will be traumatised and have to deal with mental issues in the future.

Moreover think about the fact he is so little and vulnerable he could be abused in Foster care so easily.

No judgement, just my opinion since you asked, for I'm in the same case. I'm not judging you, just telling you you might better not to ctb now but wait he is an adult. That's actually what I'm currently doing.

Do you have any close friends who would take him in? Any family members even those you aren't that close to? I think when they are young, they don't remember much, especially at that age, but as they get older they have more of the memories. Only you know your true mental and physical state and it sounds like you want what is best for you son.

That's absolutely wrong. 100% wrong.

 

[Snake of Eden]

he will miss me, but he will undoubtedly have a better future with a foster family and a child protection structure in place

Dont delude yourself into thinking there would be someone who loves your kid more than you if at all let alone a "system".

 

[Meliæ]

He will just be abused if not raped in the Foster care and end here in few years.

Please at least give the kid to people that could take care of him and love him, do all what needs to be done so he does not end in Foster care, there are many people that would be great parents, that's your responsibility not to just quit and abandon the baby in this place you don't want to be in yourself as an adult