trying to think of what sort of things i'd eat. mildly funny to worry about having the contents of my stomach examined and be judged for eating absolute garbage (even in death, the threat of being perceived weighs too heavily!). trying to consider that even a pragmatic approach to eating isn't as fun. like needing enough energy to accomplish what you're setting out to do.
idk i think less about what i'm going to eat as opposed to how (i mean with my mouth obviously, i mean more like. circumstances). i've always had this whimsical notion about hosting a dinner party. i love making things for people, it'd have a lot of my culture's foods, it could be a nice evening and w/ close friends i know there will be old memories brought up, or i get to hear about what sort of things everyone is planning for or is hoping for. ultimately, i'd want us to all have the gift of that last memory being a generally positive one (even if i recognize this is almost too idealized of a scenario, we could also all get diarrhea or something or an argument breaks out) where they can look at that last time with me there as being in good company and i get to be with them like this. but also, it feels unkind to either spring it on them after the fact of what that dinner's purpose was or have them wondering if they missed any signs of me wanting to ctb. they'd get over it in the long run though, but it still is a sad thought.
