Venting Coming up Short in a Race with no Prize

[KirbyLover]

I have been suicidal since the age of 10, I'm 18 now. I've been through years of different medications, trips to the hospital, and "therapy", despite all this if anything I feel so much worse, I have gotten to a point that I can't even fathom. All my dreams came true, I got accepted into university, I have 2 friends who are a bit distance but wonderful, I transferred to a school with less strict rules on basically whatever you can think of but for some reason I can't shake this overwhelming weight I've been carrying all my life. Of course it's not all sunshine and rainbows, depression doesn't just go away, I just turned to substances to cope, every day I tell myself one more day, one more day until some miracle happens and I wake up feeling normal. This past month has been hell, I only leave my bed once a day to use the bathroom and survive off a bulk bag of candy in my room, I have showered maybe once, I'm so behind in all my classwork that my university acceptance is on the line, I haven't spoken to a person in days, not even texting, this is the first attempt of communication I've mustered the courage for. Maybe my dreams didn't come true and I just put a pretty veneer over my life so I could survive my own mind. I never had a good relationship with my family, they only seem to love me when I'm meeting their expectations. This morning my mom came into my room and said I should just go fuck off and join the homeless junkies since I clearly didn't care about anything anymore (this shit happens daily) and yk the classic you're a terrible child, you bring shame to the family blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong I love my mother I don't blame her, who would want some gross school skipping degenerate living with them. I feel like right now suicide is my only option, I am too behind to catch-up now and who knows if my teachers will be as accommodating as they claim they are. My parents hate my guts, and if I don't get into university, I'm pretty much fucked, I'll be kicked out and my job search is not going very well, I dont have friends I know well enough to crash at and frankly I just don't have the energy anymore. My entire life all I have ever done is to try and fight this battle (ik corny right) every single method, therapy, pill, diet whatever it was I'm sure I tried it but It feels like life keeps kicking me down, I feel like an ant. I'm worthless right now, a hunk of mass taking up oxygen. I used to think I had an iron will that nothing could take me down no matter what, no matter how bad things got, the scary thing is that objectively things aren't that bad, If I just pushed myself everything will be fine, but I can't bare to even leave my bed. This feels like a different beast, I feel like if I kill myself my entire life's work will mean nothing, but what's the point if i feel meaningless anyway, everyday I can remember living has felt like a marathon, coming up short in a race with no prize. I don't believe in an afterlife, and I feel so at peace of just becoming nothing, why should I subject myself to more of this torturous life. My mind goes from one extreme to the next, my body and my mind are exhausted. I have a plan for today, I'll drink 500ml of anti-freeze in about 3 or 4 hours. I guess I just wanted to prove I existed. thanks for reading.