Venting Coming to terms with the end...leaving loved ones behind

[Sammie]

Who else here feels torn between the feelings of wanting to be done but also having people who need them? I think I'm coming to terms as I get my thoughts together. I haven't been on this website long, but from what I've seen so far it seems a lot of people worry about having a peaceful method without much pain. I don't really care too much about my suffering, so that it will be over eventually. Sure, least suffering is best, but mostly worry about my pet and family. I guess I would make some arrangements for my dog beforehand and would just hope that everyone else will understand with time. I'm not old to any degree, but also not young. I live with a disability that can be quite debilitating both physically and mentally.
My initial thought was to go through psychotherapy with a real effort to see if it might help me this time, possibly with meds, until I would be able to part with the ones I love. So at this time I am wondering who else is at the end of their rope but hoping family would be okay with their parting, or either hoping therapy and meds might give enough to their lives to hold on just a little bit longer...

 

[NoLightRemains]

Sorry you have had such a hard time adjusting to life with the ileostomy, that sounds so difficult.
I know if it is wasn't for my loved ones, I'd be out of this life so quickly. They give me a reason to keep trying to recover. I wish I could have honest conversations with them about ending my life, but it's not something that goes very well if I ever try to approach the subject.
I'm waiting until my 30th birthday early next year to give myself a last chance to change my mind, but I don't have much hope of my trajectory changing.

 

[Sammie]

Sorry you have had such a hard time adjusting to life with the ileostomy, that sounds so difficult.
I know if it is wasn't for my loved ones, I'd be out of this life so quickly. They give me a reason to keep trying to recover. I wish I could have honest conversations with them about ending my life, but it's not something that goes very well if I ever try to approach the subject.
I'm waiting until my 30th birthday early next year to give myself a last chance to change my mind, but I don't have much hope of my trajectory changing.

Wow I was actually excited for my 30th birthday...if only I could go back there and stay. Life was okay. Then life took a huge downward spiral. I'm sorry you are in this space; it is a difficult, dark and sucky place to be.
It's not just the bag, it's my life altogether. I have started over so many times and am again. I am just tired. I feel I've been thru a lot and I am alone. It's hard to keep going and look into the future with gusto anymore. I'm afraid of failure but also tired of trying.
It's also nice to see that there are others who feel this way. Family is important, for sure. It also makes for a hard exit, especially as someone who just wants everyone else to be happy. What have you done to stay, to be okay and not take an impulsive dive? Are you currently in treatment?

 

[Sick of it all]

I did the therapy and meds and it helped to a certain point but life has thrown too much at me to rely on therapy and meds, hence why I am here. I have a brother who I'm sure would be hurt if I decided to leave, also I have a couple of pets. It's a shitty situation to be in for sure. I'm trying to get my affairs in order so I can feel a little better when I choose to check out of this realm.

 

[Sammie]

I did the therapy and meds and it helped to a certain point but life has thrown too much at me to rely on therapy and meds, hence why I am here. I have a brother who I'm sure would be hurt if I decided to leave, also I have a couple of pets. It's a shitty situation to be in for sure. I'm trying to get my affairs in order so I can feel a little better when I choose to check out of this realm.

Same. Sorry.

 

[Lawliet]

i feel really guilty leaving people behind, but i know that no one relies on my because i'm so dependent on others. i'm on meds and i go to therapy twice a week, i've been on meds and counseling for ages and it didn't help.

my mom lost her sister to suicide and continued living on life, so did the rest of her family. they're also really religious and that seems to help them (even though it traumatized me)

i hope you can find comfort in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Sammie]

i feel really guilty leaving people behind, but i know that no one relies on my because i'm so dependent on others. i'm on meds and i go to therapy twice a week, i've been on meds and counseling for ages and it didn't help.

my mom lost her sister to suicide and continued living on life, so did the rest of her family. they're also really religious and that seems to help them (even though it traumatized me)

i hope you can find comfort in whatever you decide to do.

Sorry it hadn't helped you, but I understand how that feels. Although I think I mostly failed at therapy, and don't like meds so refused a lot of them. I feel relief in your reply, thank you.

 

[hexesandcurses]

Who else here feels torn between the feelings of wanting to be done but also having people who need them? I think I'm coming to terms as I get my thoughts together. I haven't been on this website long, but from what I've seen so far it seems a lot of people worry about having a peaceful method without much pain. I don't really care too much about my suffering, so that it will be over eventually. Sure, least suffering is best, but mostly worry about my pet and family. I guess I would make some arrangements for my dog beforehand and would just hope that everyone else will understand with time. I'm not old to any degree, but also not young. I live with a disability that can be quite debilitating both physically and mentally.
My initial thought was to go through psychotherapy with a real effort to see if it might help me this time, possibly with meds, until I would be able to part with the ones I love. So at this time I am wondering who else is at the end of their rope but hoping family would be okay with their parting, or either hoping therapy and meds might give enough to their lives to hold on just a little bit longer...

This and my fear of death (I'm slowly getting more comfortable with it) are why I usually end up talking myself out of it. I've taken care of my siblings since I was so young since I had immature/overworked parents and the idea of leaving them behind makes me feel so guilty. While I love my parents, ultimately I don't feel as bad leaving them, but my siblings and my aunts who practically raised me, it breaks my heart to think about it.

I don't know your loved ones but I do believe that most people will make peace with it someday. They will remember you, miss you, and mourn you probably until they die, but that might even help ease their own passing to think about getting to be reunited with you (if they believe that). I hope that you find peace someday, in whatever way it comes.

 

[Sammie]

This and my fear of death (I'm slowly getting more comfortable with it) are why I usually end up talking myself out of it. I've taken care of my siblings since I was so young since I had immature/overworked parents and the idea of leaving them behind makes me feel so guilty. While I love my parents, ultimately I don't feel as bad leaving them, but my siblings and my aunts who practically raised me, it breaks my heart to think about it.

I don't know your loved ones but I do believe that most people will make peace with it someday. They will remember you, miss you, and mourn you probably until they die, but that might even help ease their own passing to think about getting to be reunited with you (if they believe that). I hope that you find peace someday, in whatever way it comes.

Thank you. I also hope we all find peace in some way. I appreciate your kind words and empathy, but sorry that you are hurting.

 

[NoLightRemains]

Wow I was actually excited for my 30th birthday...if only I could go back there and stay. Life was okay. Then life took a huge downward spiral. I'm sorry you are in this space; it is a difficult, dark and sucky place to be.
It's not just the bag, it's my life altogether. I have started over so many times and am again. I am just tired. I feel I've been thru a lot and I am alone. It's hard to keep going and look into the future with gusto anymore. I'm afraid of failure but also tired of trying.
It's also nice to see that there are others who feel this way. Family is important, for sure. It also makes for a hard exit, especially as someone who just wants everyone else to be happy. What have you done to stay, to be okay and not take an impulsive dive? Are you currently in treatment?

Yeah I'm in treatment. I take meds and go to therapy but none of it really changes my outlook on life. I'm not a very impulsive person in general, and I'm not going to rush into suicide unless my suffering becomes even worse. I also feel like by taking the time to plan everything out, I can lessen the blow on my family by having as much taken care of beforehand. I wanna be 100% sure before I fully commit. I don't want to regret things at the last moment.

 

[Sammie]

Yeah I'm in treatment. I take meds and go to therapy but none of it really changes my outlook on life. I'm not a very impulsive person in general, and I'm not going to rush into suicide unless my suffering becomes even worse. I also feel like by taking the time to plan everything out, I can lessen the blow on my family by having as much taken care of beforehand. I wanna be 100% sure before I fully commit. I don't want to regret things at the last moment.

Thank you for sharing with me, "don't be impulsive or rush things" really are words of wisdom.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you think there is something that may help you embrace life, I urge you to try it before CTB.

 

[Sammie]

If you think there is something that may help you embrace life, I urge you to try the before CTB.

Of course, as I am and have been. I have dark thoughts at times but really I would not act on them. Writing here is helpful in getting my thoughts together. I like the thought of having control over my life as well as the end, whenever that may be. I seek comfort in knowing that acting on impulse is risky and not in anyone's best interests. I will not be "ctb" anytime soon as I have way too much to do and also people and a pet who need me and who I care about deeply. They are what keep me grounded. I believe ambivalence can go in both directions, feelings about life or death.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Of course, as I am and have been. I have dark thoughts at times but really I would not act on them. Writing here is helpful in getting my thoughts together. I like the thought of having control over my life as well as the end, whenever that may be. I seek comfort in knowing that acting on impulse is risky and not in anyone's best interests. I will not be "ctb" anytime soon as I have way too much to do and also people and a pet who need me and who I care about deeply. They are what keep me grounded. I believe ambivalence can go in both directions, feelings about life or death.

It can go in both directions but you never have to CTB if you don't want to. Hope life gets easier for you.

 

[Sammie]

It can go in both directions but you never have to CTB if you don't want to. Hope life gets easier for you.

well yes, I would not do anything drastic without lengthy consideration and preparation....never to be done if one does not want to. I appreciate your kind words.