cryone
Experienced
- Nov 23, 2023
- 268
i've hated a lot of things about myself. and i've told myself a lot of it can't change, and i'm sure that's pretty true. i'm very idle, volatile, impulsive, and unfortunately cursed with a paranoid and anxious mind, which worsened with the environment I was raised in. but i am proud to say i'm no longer (actively) interested in committing suicide. of course, it's unavoidable to think about it given how i was built. and this was something i struggled to swallow. i don't think i will ever be able to fully recover, and that made it really challenging for me to consider recovery in the first place.
just a bit about me, i'm surrounded by lots of achieving & happy people at my uni completely different to who i am. i'm very glad to have such an opportunity, but it's made me realize just how far i am from being a "normal" person. i get to see how my roommate lives day by day. i get to see how my boyfriend lives and hear what he thinks. my roommate wakes up around 6 am and somehow manages to get herself to the gym and eat breakfast right after, every single day. and i've noticed how shes able to call someone from back home nearly every day too. ive never seen her cry either. no matter how much effort i put into giving myself a better life, i know i wont be able to experience this sort of clean mind. and of course i dont know her exact thoughts. but i do know my boyfriends. when i first started dating him, i was pretty good at hiding all my unstable attributes. and so he felt comfortable telling me that he didn't believe in mental illness, and never experienced anything more than a few infrequent bouts of sadness. when i told him i used to be quite depressed i could tell he had never been in a situation talking to someone who was.
i know most people don't live as optimistically as the people im surrounded by. but still, experiencing this from my shoes was very disheartening. it was terrible knowing i could be so far from achieving happiness despite the progress i made. and a lot of it isn't controllable. every so often i start dissociating and feeling extreme apathy enough to the point that i become paranoid at the thought of living. and im never able to focus on anything and i feel worthless and incompetent all the time. and somehow i have a breakdown thrice a week and relapse every month. im also constantly suffering with body and relationship insecurities.
and i guess what i have to say is its sometimes miserable how i live, but i have to come to terms with the fact that i can't fix everything. and i guess more importantly, i learned how important it is to have supporting figures. i never really had much other than my father up until this year. i am practically in no contact with anyone from last year or any years before that. i think that's why i used to always struggle with suicide. i would have nobody. i used to browse this site for hours a day at my lowest when i had no one to talk to. now, i think my life know is bearable and worth living because i have people who i can turn to. i know my boyfriend won't relate to many of the issues i feel, but he has been able to comfort me during my breakdowns and panic attacks...and im content with this.
that is i guess my experience. i do wonder if its futile coming to terms with the fact that my life will always be hard. if my life is too miserable, i'd probably just be better off dead than living. but i think my life isn't the worst, just hard. something i wanted to share before i go to bed.
just a bit about me, i'm surrounded by lots of achieving & happy people at my uni completely different to who i am. i'm very glad to have such an opportunity, but it's made me realize just how far i am from being a "normal" person. i get to see how my roommate lives day by day. i get to see how my boyfriend lives and hear what he thinks. my roommate wakes up around 6 am and somehow manages to get herself to the gym and eat breakfast right after, every single day. and i've noticed how shes able to call someone from back home nearly every day too. ive never seen her cry either. no matter how much effort i put into giving myself a better life, i know i wont be able to experience this sort of clean mind. and of course i dont know her exact thoughts. but i do know my boyfriends. when i first started dating him, i was pretty good at hiding all my unstable attributes. and so he felt comfortable telling me that he didn't believe in mental illness, and never experienced anything more than a few infrequent bouts of sadness. when i told him i used to be quite depressed i could tell he had never been in a situation talking to someone who was.
i know most people don't live as optimistically as the people im surrounded by. but still, experiencing this from my shoes was very disheartening. it was terrible knowing i could be so far from achieving happiness despite the progress i made. and a lot of it isn't controllable. every so often i start dissociating and feeling extreme apathy enough to the point that i become paranoid at the thought of living. and im never able to focus on anything and i feel worthless and incompetent all the time. and somehow i have a breakdown thrice a week and relapse every month. im also constantly suffering with body and relationship insecurities.
and i guess what i have to say is its sometimes miserable how i live, but i have to come to terms with the fact that i can't fix everything. and i guess more importantly, i learned how important it is to have supporting figures. i never really had much other than my father up until this year. i am practically in no contact with anyone from last year or any years before that. i think that's why i used to always struggle with suicide. i would have nobody. i used to browse this site for hours a day at my lowest when i had no one to talk to. now, i think my life know is bearable and worth living because i have people who i can turn to. i know my boyfriend won't relate to many of the issues i feel, but he has been able to comfort me during my breakdowns and panic attacks...and im content with this.
that is i guess my experience. i do wonder if its futile coming to terms with the fact that my life will always be hard. if my life is too miserable, i'd probably just be better off dead than living. but i think my life isn't the worst, just hard. something i wanted to share before i go to bed.
